# there are some Jokes



## qcgoods2006

Originally, qcgoods2006 created the thread and provided us with an occasional joke. *For the most part* it didn't follow the path of most joke threads, and survived where other joke threads lost their family friendliness.

Apparently qcgoods2006 finished his business with the thread, and others eventually decided to keep supplying it with new jokes. That's great; we do love a good joke. It even continued the family friendliness for quite awhile.

Now the last few jokes have been removed, since they changed the direction of the the thread into something that won't last. It doesn't even take a step far across the line to redirect it. It only takes a small step on or over the line. Follow-up jokes go a bit farther.... then farther..... then farther. Eventually the joke thread follows those of the past that got closed. - Empath

Joke: Gas price comparison

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .


- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
 So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!


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## highorder

> Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon



around here, a gallon of milk costs $2.19


on another note, if a gallon of gas lasted me as long as a bottle of whiteout, I'd pay the difference!


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## glockboy

qcgoods2006 said:


> So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!


You drink 2 gallon of Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout everydays to go to work?


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## Concept

I like No 6. $21.19 per gallon of water. Unless I'm overseas I dont drink anything but tap water. I should count myself lucky I guess.


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## I'M DK

Concept said:


> Unless I'm overseas I dont drink anything but tap water.



Dude, You are overseas.:lolsign:

DK


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## zigziggityzoo

qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke: Gas price comparison
> 
> Gas Prices vs ?
> 
> People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
> 
> 
> - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
> - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
> - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
> - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
> - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
> - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
> - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
> - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
> - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
> - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
> - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
> So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!



Milk here is about $2/Gallon
Evian is $6/Case of 24 - 20oz. bottles = $1.60/Gallon

I can go through a gallon of gas in about 20 minutes, whereas a gallon of a few of these products is either a months or a year's supply.


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## WAVE_PARTICLE

I'M DK said:


> Dude, You are overseas.:lolsign:
> 
> DK


 
:lolsign:


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## TedTheLed

Scope Mouthwash Cool Peppermint 33.82oz. $2.99
Scope kills bad breath germs. Scope kills millions of bad breath germs. Its cool tingle gets your breath clean and fresh. Use Scope for the ...
Add to Shopping List 
Walgreens.com 

..now tell me where i can unload this stuff for $.99 an ounce and a half??
..then I can gargle with Cristal..


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## gadget_lover

My late step dad was a CPA. He enjoyed pointing out the absurdities in some products;

Maybeline mascara; 9 grams for $6.95 at walgreens. That's 350.27 dollars a pound.

Some of the more expensive ones are close to $30 for 10 grams. 1360.77 a pound.

Super glue was another of his favorites. 2 grams for $4.99.

Daniel


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## jayflash

Those are overpriced sizes most people don't buy and none of them are required for daily use by most people. Millions of employees in the USA need gasoline or diesel to maintain employment and have no other PRACTICAL choice at this time.

Just because it could be worse, as it is in Europe, is no reason it should be. Energy producers have been making record profits and were given a multi-billion dollar gift of OUR money by the last congress, pushed by the W and Cheney's "Energy Commission".


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan 23th

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."


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## TedTheLed

A burglar is robbing a home when he hears a small voice say, "Jesus sees you." Startled, he turns and looks around, but finding no one he decides it was his imagination and goes back to stuffing loot into his sack.

Once again he hears, "Jesus sees you." This time, he sees that it was a small parrot. Laughing, he says to the parrot, "Oh, I see. I guess you're Jesus."

"My name is Paco," the parrot replys. "Jesus is the rottweiler standing behind you."


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## tvodrd

How about the price of Hoppe's #9?  

Larry


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## fnmag

You need to get Shooters Choice.


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## TedTheLed

According to one estimate (Discover magazine, August, p.68), antimatter costs $1,750 trillion per ounce.


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## goldenlight

A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"

"Blind man," comes the reply.

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"


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## goldenlight

The following exercise appeared on the Scottish Bar Exam a few years back.
You would probably not find this in North America :->


SECTION A - SCOTS CRIMINAL LAW



Angus drops into the "Govan Arms", a trendy wine bar in Glasgow, with
three of his friends. The bar's speciality is an "E1 Dorado cocktail", a
lethal combination of fortified wine and vodka. Bruce, who has never
before been in a pub and is a strict teetotaller, is told by Angus that
the concoction is alcohol-free; Bruce agrees to try one. Calumn, who is
perfectly aware that the brew is potent, also accepts Angus's offer of a
drink. Angus and Donald beforehand have agreed to liven things up by
"spiking" the drinks of the other two. Angus asks the barman to add three
more double vodkas to each one pint glass of the cocktail, and then
himself throws in a couple of LSD tablets. Angus and Donald stick to Coca
Cola.

The order is repeated, and again, Angus adds vodka and LSD. Both Bruce and
Ca1umn feel "high". In the toilet, Bruce is accosted by Edgar who places
his hand on Bruce's thigh, and says "what about it?". Incensed, Bruce
lashes out. Edgar hits his head on the stone floor, and is killed
instantly. Donald, meanwhile, has gone into the back room with the
1andlord's daughter, a pretty young thing who claims to be 18 (but is
indeed only 14), and who explains her school uniform as an indication
merely that she is a slow learner. The two are engaged in sexual
intercourse when the barman, Fred, enters. Calumn steps in to defend
Donald. He challenges Fred to ?step outside? for a man-to-man fight. This
"square go" (in local parlance) results in Angus, Bruce and Donald
watching and encouraging while Ca1umn hits Fred repeatedly. Calumn is a
sportsman: once Fred is lying on the ground, he walks away. However, the
other three then join in by kicking Fred, while Angus produces his handy
6" sheath knife which he sticks in Fred's thigh.

Fortunately. Dr. Nesbit is on hand in the pub, sitting in his usual corner
surrounded by empty glasses. Dr. Nesbit already has had more than his
daily allowance of lager, but nonetheless proceeds to take charge of the
situation. His sight is not as good as it once was; his hand shakes; and
his memory of medical knowledge is rather rusty. Attempts at stopping the
flow of blood are unsuccessful, since force is being applied to the wrong
pressure points. After half an hour, Nesbit acknowledges defeat, and calls
for an ambulance. Fred dies en route to the hospital.

Consider whether any breaches of the criminal law have occurred. (30 points.)


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## goldenlight

After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its Windows XP operating 
system, "it just works", I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans 
for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they 
became obvious.

Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?
Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it?
Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding.
Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.
Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying!
Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using!
Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.
Windows 98: More usable! Less stable!
Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable!
Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable!
NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!!
NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!
NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand?
NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest.
NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the 
speed.
Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!
Windows XP: It just works.


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## Coop

goldenlight said:


> ...
> 
> Consider whether any breaches of the criminal law have occurred. (30 points.)




This is set in scotland right? In that case, no, not a single law was broken :laughing:


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## Wits' End

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the Bar tender here?


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## PEU

Let me add a more flashaholic comparison:

Artic Alumina Epoxy $7 x 5grams = $1400/kg or $635/lb

A little too much for an epoxy compound with Aluminum Oxide & Boron Nitride added 


Pablo


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan. 24th

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan 25th

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"


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## qcgoods2006

Joke 26th

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.


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## qcgoods2006

Joke 27th


A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"

He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said

" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body".


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## CandleLite

A blond goes up to the counter in a library and says to the librarian "A big Mac, regular Coke and fries please" 
The librarian replies "Don't you realize that you are in a library?" 
The blond looks around, leans over and quietly whispers "A big Mac, regular Coke and fries please. :naughty:


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan. 28th

One Liners Jokes

a
Do you believe in love at first sight or do
I have to walk by you again? 

b
Q. Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven

c
Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."


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## analogguy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on 
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,"Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building" 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If
I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never 
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He made his own lunch."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan 29th

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan 30th

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Jan 31st

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 1st

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 3rd

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 4th

here were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 5th

I ain’t got no crayons

Mrs. Smith, I ain’t got no crayons.
Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons.
You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons.
They don’t have any crayons.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
I think so. What happened to all the crayons?


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 6th
I’ve never flown before

I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”


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## goldenlight

For once, an ETERNAL TRUTH...

Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...

Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...

Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...

Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...

Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...

Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...

But fart just one time....


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## PhotonWrangler

goldenlight said:


> Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.


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## benchmade_boy

why did the turtle cross the road? to get to the shell station on the other side.:laughing:


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 7th

A joke about College

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 8th

embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 9th

Joke about Clinton

Three Boy Scouts, in uniform, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard cries for help. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.

As it turned out, the man was Bill Clinton. The president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them.

"I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said.

"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"

"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.

"We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.

"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.

"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"

"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 10th

Joke about Little Johnny

ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."


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## Raptor#

Ok, heres one:

How do you put a sparkle in a blonde's eye? Hold a flashlight to her ear.


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 11st

Joke about Marriage 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 12

Cannibal Jokes

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 13th

Educational Jokes

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 14th

Rude Jokes

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 25th

Judges Jokes

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."


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## carbine15

qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke Feb. 14th
> 
> Rude Jokes
> 
> A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."



Then the guys brother came looking for a job. He had the same problem no arms. The pastor showed him how his brother did it and the man took on the job with no problems until one day the same thing happened to him. Fell off the tower. "who is he?" someone asked looking at his corpse. "I don't know but hes a dead ringer for his brother"


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## PhotonWrangler

Two cannibals sitting around the dinner table.

First cannibal: "You know, I really don't like my brother."

Second cannibal: "So just eat the potatoes."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 26th

Antartian Jokes

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."


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## qcgoods2006

Joke Feb. 27th

business joke

Three engineers and three accountants weretraveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. 

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". 

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. 
The conductor took it and moved on. 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. 

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. 
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


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## qcgoods2006

joke Feb. 28th

Lightbulbs Jokes

Q: How many duffers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 4. One to hold the light bulb and stand on a spinning chair and 3 to spin the chair round and round!


Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem. 


Q: How many type A personalities does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to tell him he's doing it all wrong. 


Q. How many cockroaches dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None cause when you turn the light on they all scatter.


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## DM51

Keep 'em coming, qcg.

_A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. 

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. A cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" 

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."_


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## qcgoods2006

Joke March 1st 

Little John

ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."


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## WAVE_PARTICLE

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered *THAT *question."


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## Nereus

qcgoods2006 said:


> joke Feb. 28th
> 
> Lightbulbs Jokes
> 
> Q: How many duffers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> A: 4. One to hold the light bulb and stand on a spinning chair and 3 to spin the chair round and round!
> 
> 
> Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem.
> 
> 
> Q: How many type A personalities does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to tell him he's doing it all wrong.
> 
> 
> Q. How many cockroaches dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
> A. None cause when you turn the light on they all scatter.



Corollary: how many CPFers are needed to change a lightbulb? 

-One to detect the marvelous "quality dark"
-One to get annoyed by that
-One to buy 0,1 EUR el cheapo flashlight which breaks down after 10 sec use
-One to change the bulb and report to the Mod forum how the complicated operation was carried out, with pics of course
-Moderator to comment that the pics are oversized
-The modder is needed again to shrink the pics (down 1*1 pixel)
-Again one moderator to complain that the same topic has been discussed 36 times within the same week in other threads
-Some other moderator to merge threads
-6 CPFers to say that I prefer LEDs
-8 CPFers to say that I prefer HIDs
-10 CPFers to ask can you sell the mod
-20 CPFers to ask for beamshots of the mod
-9 CPFers to complain about white wall hunting and to ask for outdoor beamshots
-5 CPFers to complain about outdoor beamshots and to ask for white wall hunting
-25 CPFers to ask what is the runtime
-90 CPFers to ask the modder if he/she can change my lightbulb also (with no payment of course)
-One CPFer to write Cheers for excellent mod
-3 CPFers to write Jeers about bad customer service by the modder
-Modamag to build new heatsink for the new lightbulb
-McGizmo to build new reflector for the new lightbulb
-Wayne to build new converter for the new lightbulb
-Thousands of significant others wondering that *Gsus* my SO has gone mad about buying and changing lightbulbs!

-N


----------



## kingoftf

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions: 
Officer: What's 2 + 2? 

Blonde: Ummm... 4! 

Officer: What's the square root of 100? 

Blonde: Ummm... 10! 

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno. 

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!" 

++++++++++++++++


This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. 
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" 

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." 

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." 

+++++++++++++


Temperature Conversion Chart 
50°F (10°C)- New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens. 

40°F (4°C)- Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe. 

35°F (2°C)- Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down. 

32°F (0°C)- Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 

20°F (-7°C)- Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a T-shirt. 

15°F (-9°C)- Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming. 

0°F (-18°C)- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold. 

-10°F (-23°C)- People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flagpoles. 

-20°F (-29°C)- Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a lightweight jacket. 

-40°F (-40°C)- Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos. 

-60°F (-51°C)- Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 

-80°F (-62°C)- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 

-100°F (-73°C)- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps. 

-173°F (-114°C)- Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs. 

-297°F (-183°C)- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 

-460°F (-273°C)- ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 

-500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. 


+++++


Whats going on in the car forums... 

Bentley Forums 
- - - I used the ashtray today. How do I replace it? 

BMW Forums 
- - - What ARE these orange lights on the corner of my car for? 

Lamborghini forum 
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH. 

Camaro/Firebird Forums 
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back. 

Mustang forums 
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me. 

Monte Carlo forums 
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo. 

Civic forums 
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me. 

VW Bug forum 
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success. 

Yugo Forum 
- - - When's the last time yours ran? 

Miata forums 
- - - Some redneck ******* in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car. 

Chevy Tahoe forum 
- - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? 

Pontiac Fiero forum 
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit. 

BMW 7-series forum 
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex? 

Cadillac forum 
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo. 

Chevy Suburban Forum 
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon? 

Buick Forum 
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me? 

Delorean forum 
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985. 

Crown Victoria forum 
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway? 

Honda Accord forum 
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims. 

Toyota Echo forum 
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's? 

Ferrari forums 
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast. 

Porsche forums 
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself? 

Jaguar forum 
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on? 

Mercedes forum 
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board? 

Mini forum 
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. 

Dodge Viper forum 
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather? 

McLaren F1 forum 
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me. 

Dodge Minivan forum 
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be? 

Hummer forum 
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $450 in gas. 

Fiat forum 
- - - Hello? Am I the only member? 

Subaru WRX forum 
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot. 

Supra Forums 
- - - Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa. 

Ford 2.3 forums 
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

+++


*Ten Things Men Know About Women:* 

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 

9. 

10. They have boobs.


----------



## WAVE_PARTICLE

kingoftf said:


> -500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.


 
Ouch! But so true.....


----------



## kingoftf

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" 
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." 

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" 

God replied, "An arm and a leg." 

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


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## kingoftf

H E L P W A N T E D : I M M E D I A T E O P E N I N G 

Position Available Immediately: 
Apprentice Sith Lord, 
Dark Side Consulting Group. 

The Dark Side Consulting Group has a sudden opening for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would enjoy extensive galactic travel and possess an understanding and competence with the Force, or at least posses rudimentary Force skills and demonstrate a willingness to let their hatred flow through them. 

Responsibilities include: 

Performing competitive intelligence 
Hands-on involvement in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives 
Willingness to travel the galaxy widely 
Operation a variety of laser-powered hand weapons 
Piloting various high-powered space/air vehicles 
Slaying of enemies of the Dark Side 

Qualified applicants would possess excellent communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers) and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. 99% travel is required. A background in The Force (light side or dark) is desirable. Any advanced degrees or significant course work in the Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant would be a plus. 

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license, and show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force (a new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement). Working knowledge of Windows 95/98/XP/2000® and Microsoft™ Office is also required. 

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the Master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. 

Interested applicants should submit their resume via The Force to The Emperor. 

------- 

Dark Side CG™ is a small highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term advantage of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and rapid on-site intervention capability. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.


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## kingoftf

Terminator 4

http://www.clipfish.de/player.php?videoid=MTkwMTQ0fDI2MA%3D%3D&cat=5


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## C4LED

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?


A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 


:laughing:


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## DM51

I don't worry about terrorism. I've been married for 25 years.


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## qcgoods2006

Jokes march 16th

Men Vs. Women Jokes
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage 

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said. 



It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing.

weihua


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## PhotonWrangler

qcgoods2006 said:


> Jokes march 16th
> 
> Men Vs. Women Jokes
> A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
> The next day he received a hundred letters.
> They all said the same: "You can have mine."



Henny Youngman lives on! :laughing:


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## chmsam

Slightly off topic, but keeping with the theme... (From a Robert Palmer song) 

"Little boy sat down and cried.
Old man passing asked him why.
'I can't do what they big boys do.'
Old man sat down and he cried, too!"

Or as a friend once said, "House, cars, women. Don't buy, just rent. Less worry about up-keep."


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## qcgoods2006

Jokes March 17th

Doctors Jokes

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."


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## Norm

Australian Ettiquette!



IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to 
take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour 
slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by 
a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his 
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in 
private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the 
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention 
away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first 
date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting 
to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door 
two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some 
will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the 
answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after 
the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests 
have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in 
your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out 
of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a 
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns 
loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar 
doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's 
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


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## Nereus

What is the difference between Swiss, American and Finnish jealousy?

A swiss notices that the neighbour has bought a brand new Ferrari. Feeling sincerely happy for the neighbour he visits him and congratulates him for buying such a great car, asks many enthusiastic questions about the car and finally they agree about a test-drive.

That's swiss jealousy.

When american notices that the neighbour has bought a new Ferrari the same thing happens: american congratulates sincerely about buying so great car and is curious about it. After agreeing about test-drive, american goes home, quits his job, searches quickly a better-paid job and works like crazy for three years and buys exactly the same kind of ferrari. Then he goes to the neighbour and tells him proudly that he followed his example when buying a car. Then american asks if they should establish a local ferrari-club and enjoy the car hobby together.

That's american jealousy.

When a finn notices that the neighbour has bought a new Ferrari he goes completely mad. Lurking behind the curtains he watches the ferrari and calls a local police office that the neighbour must be a criminal - otherwise he could not have been able to afford it. In the middle of the night finn goes out, punches the tyres of the ferrari and scratches the sides of the ferrari with a following text "owned by a super greedy capitalist". Next morning the finn drives to the grocery store with a 20-year-old Lada Samara.

That's finnish jealousy.

Being a finn I sometimes wish that the text above was only a joke... but it is not. We also say in finland that "If you have success in your life, hide it very carefully."

- N


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## kingoftf

_Image removed as unsuitable for a family forum - Empath_

Hope you have the right chinese symbols......


----------



## luxlunatic

Two blondes walking down oppisite sides of a street. One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side of the street?". The other replies, "Duh! You _are_ on the other side of the street!".


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## kingoftf

_Image removed. This image has been uploaded on occasion here, and always gets removed. It's an example of why threads devoted to "jokes" on CPF so often end up failing. - Empath_


----------



## qcgoods2006

Jokes April 21th

Animal Jokes

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".


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## qcgoods2006

Jokes April 27th

TGIF vs poop 
a man met a blond in the elevator. 
he greeted her: "T-G-I-F" 
but got the reply: "S-H-I-T" 
he was startled, but repeated "T-G-I-F" 
again the reply was "S-H-I-T" 
he was frustrated and said: "T-G-I-F, I mean Thanks God It's Friday" 
the blond looked at him saying: "S-H-I-T, I mean Sorry Honey It's Thursday"


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## kingoftf

Fun with firehose:

http://www.hallpass.com/media/funwithfirehose.html


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## qcgoods2006

Jokes April 28th

At a bar, one patron to another: “Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.” 
Why? 
“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”


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## qcgoods2006

Jokes May 7th

wrong call
one day I got a phone call without knowing the number.that was a lady.
she:"husband,when will you get home?I have made dinner ready."
me:"what?I think you call the wrong number.I don't know you,lady."
she:"oh."the phone call is hung up!
after a while,another phone cames from the same number.
she:"who are you?why you get my husband's phone?"
me:"my god!I think you make mistake on number.what number do you want?"
she:"xxxxxxx67"
me:"oh,here it is.your husband's number is xxxxxxx67,and mine is xxxxxxx76"
this ridiculous call is over?
ten minutes later,the call bother me the third times.
she:"My husband will be on overtime,thanks for your kindness.Can you chat with me for a while,because you are so nice"
I faint!


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## qcgoods2006

*Jokes May 8th*

*Run over the rooster*

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. 

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." 

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."


----------



## DM51

That better not be Atomic Chicken the guy hit with his car. That ol' Bird is in the middle of some important work right now.


----------



## jds009

haha


----------



## Carabidae

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. 

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. 

IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. 

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share. 

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. 

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Didja hear about the guy who violated Ohm's Law?

He was thrown in a dry cell and charged with battery.


----------



## qcgoods2006

Jokes May 9th

*Men vs Women*

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


----------



## Essexman

A fish hits it's head on a wall, 
"DAM" he says


----------



## TorchBoy

qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke Feb. 10th
> 
> Joke about Little Johnny
> 
> ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."





qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke March 1st
> 
> Little John
> 
> ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."


I feel a ittle short changed.


----------



## kingoftf

Good Deed for the Day 

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. 

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. 

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. 

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. 

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" 

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. 

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". 

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? 

"Oh, a few minutes ago", replied the man.


----------



## qcgoods2006

*Men vs Women*

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


----------



## TorchBoy

qcgoods2006 said:


> Jokes May 9th
> 
> *Men vs Women*
> 
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> 
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> 
> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
> 
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> 
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> 
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
> 
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> 
> A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



And around 2007/5/16...


qcgoods2006 said:


> *Men vs Women*
> 
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> 
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> 
> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
> 
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> 
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> 
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
> 
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> 
> A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



I feel a little short changed. Again.


----------



## jason9987

Maybe qcgoods2006 just has bad short term memory, or maybe OCD??


----------



## qcgoods2006

TorchBoy said:


> And around 2007/5/16...
> 
> 
> I feel a little short changed. Again.




so sorry for that, I just think the joke is very good, so I relist, and I would like to stop that.
weihua


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender comes over and says "Hey, a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says "That's funny. Why would you name a drink Bob?"


----------



## TorchBoy

A guy walks into a bar.

"Ouch!" he said. "I never was good at limbo."


----------



## carbine15

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender points to the sign and says "We don't serve string here. Aren't you a string?" The string thinks for a minute and does a little dance, ties himself up and shakes around and says, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"


----------



## goldenlight

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married. 

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. 

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" 


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. 


Are you ready for this? 
















"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" 


Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
enjoy... Even these silly little cute..... And clean jokes 

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## TorchBoy

Sorry goldenlight, I probably would have laughed or groaned if I hadn't been told something was going to hurt.

That termite joke was good.


----------



## carbine15

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"


----------



## TorchBoy

carbine15 said:


> A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"


I managed to resist adding that one.


----------



## carbine15

TorchBoy said:


> I managed to resist adding that one.


Sorry, I couldn't resist. I had to be careful because that joke is an antique.


----------



## PhantomPhoton

I think I can get away with this one... the broom joke reminded me of this:

What's the difference between a Snow-man and a Snow-woman?







Snowballs


----------



## Coop

Are you guys ready for the worst joke ever??

no? good! here it is anyway...


The bunny on the motorcycle...


There is this rich stockbroker who is entirely fed up with his hasty life. In search of inner rest and true hapiness he decides to quit his job, sell his house and live in a little shelter out in the boonies and live off the land. So he leaves behind his old life and finds himself a nice spot away from civilization and builds a shelter out of sticks, twigs and leaves.

After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his shelter and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 250cc Suzuki motorcycle.
So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up, his shelter is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new shelter, actually this time he builds a nice little shed out of sturdy wooden planks.

After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his shed and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 500cc Kawasaki motorcycle.
So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up, his shed is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new shed, actually this time he builds a nice cabin out of beefy logs.

After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his cabin and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 750cc Honda motorcycle.
So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up, his cabin is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new cabin, actually this time he builds a nice little house out of bricks and mortar.

After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his house and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 900cc Ducati motorcycle.
So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up, his house is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new house, actually this time he builds a strong bunker out of steel and concrete.

After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his bunker and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 1000cc Harley Davidson motorcycle.
So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
The next morning, the man wakes up, his bunker is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone.

The man is completely fed up with this, so he decides to just build a shelter out of sticks again, as it is at least easier to rebuild. The man lives there happy and in solitude for a year, when on one evening, he hears the noise of an engine. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his shelter and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 250cc Suzuki motorcycle.
So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man says to the bunny, well listen up mate, a little over a year ago, just like tonite, a bunny on a 250cc Suzuki motorcycle pulled up to my shelter, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my shelter was trashed. So, I built a shed.
A month later, a bunny on a 500cc Kawasaki motorcycle pulled up to my shed, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my shed was trashed. So, I built a cabin.
A month later, a bunny on a 750cc Honda motorcycle pulled up to my cabin, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my cabin was trashed. So, I built a house.
A month later, a bunny on a 900cc Ducati motorcycle pulled up to my house, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my house was trashed. So, I built a bunker.
A month later, a bunny on a 1000cc Harley Davidson motorcycle pulled up to my bunker, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my bunker was trashed. So, tired of rebuilding again and again, stronger and stronger, I finally gave up, as it was no use. I built once again a shelter out of sticks, as those are easier to rebuild. Now before I give you a place to stay for the night, I would like you to tell me what you think of that. So the bunny answers: uhm.... dunno...


----------



## bruddamoke

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
[SIZE=+0]
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed,"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
[/SIZE]


----------



## goldenlight

Puns....!



"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said,
without debate.

"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down,"
Steve said, with despair.

"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.

"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.

"The fur is falling out of that mink coat,"
Steven inferred.

"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!" Stew said, revolted.

"I'll just have to send that telegram again", Samuel said, remorsefully.

"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.


----------



## TorchBoy

goldenlight said:


> Puns....!
> 
> "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.


FYI, these are nice examples of a particular kind of pun called a Tom Swifty.


----------



## bruddamoke

At the company cafeteria, Ron says to John, "My elbow hurts like hell. Guess I better see a doctor." 

"Hey listen, there's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars, lot cheaper than a doctor," John replies. 

So Ron deposits a urine sample in a jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. 

Thank you for shopping @Wal-Mart." 

That evening, Ron began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixes some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his sperm sample for good measure. Ron hurries back to Wal-Mart eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. 

The computer prints the following: 
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. (Aisle 4) 
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (Aisle 8) 
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. 

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.


----------



## ACMarina

You all think gas prices are bad - how about ink or toner??


----------



## KC2IXE

goldenlight said:


> Puns....!
> 
> "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.



That one can be improved to make it a 3 way

"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bob said, dolefully.


----------



## qcgoods2006

**You vs Your boss**
 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot(蠢货).
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority（超越权限）.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative(创造性).
 When you take a stand（表态）, you're being bull-headed（固执）.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
 When you overlooked a rule of etiquette(礼貌), you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original(独创的).
 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping(拍马屁).
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative(合作).
 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.


----------



## qcgoods2006

_The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny._

One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."


----------



## qcgoods2006

*[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Europe English[/FONT]*

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world![/FONT]


----------



## TedTheLed

disgrasful!

finally, qc, a funny one ! :lol:


----------



## qcgoods2006

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".


----------



## qcgoods2006

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.


----------



## qcgoods2006

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


----------



## qcgoods2006

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to

safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


----------



## qcgoods2006

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


----------



## goldenlight

*A blonde...*

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate so she eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic, 

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" 

"My car broke down, Officer" says the blonde woman, calmly. 

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" asks the Officer.

The blonde replies, "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"


----------



## DrifT3R

a baby seal walks into a club









worst joke ever.


----------



## qcgoods2006

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.


----------



## TedTheLed

B / B-


----------



## qcgoods2006

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”


----------



## qcgoods2006

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


----------



## qcgoods2006

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"


----------



## qcgoods2006

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"


----------



## qcgoods2006

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."


----------



## knot

qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke: Gas price comparison
> 
> Gas Prices vs ?




I sure wouldn't want to lug around 2000+ lbs for 18 miles for only three dollars.



Q: What did the blonde say when she woke up under a cow?

A: "You guys still here?"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.


3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them
in the Accounting Department. 

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. 

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. 


f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. 

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. 

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. 

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management. 

K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. 

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate
them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they
can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


----------



## goldenlight

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany
her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was
like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart


----------



## qcgoods2006

Humor Dialogues 1
A motel owner complains to a driver.

Owner: business is terrible. Really bad.
Driver: But every time I drive by here you have the 'No Vacancy' sign on.
Owner: That's true. But I used to turn away 30 to 35 people a night. Now, I only turn away 10 to 15.


----------



## qcgoods2006

Humor Dialogues 2
*Tommy:*
I hate this dull town. I want action. I want to make real money. I want to meet pretty woman. I can't do any of that here. So I am leaving.
*Daddy:*
Just a second, soon.
*Tommy*
Don't try to stop me. My mind is made up.
*Daddy:*
I'm not trying to stop you, I want to go with you.

best regards
Weihua


----------



## Nitro

*THE PARROT*​ 

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately 
Spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. 
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.​ 


"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. ​ 

The owner looked at her and said, 
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a ​

house of Prostitution ​ 
And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."​ 




​​The woman thought about this, but decided 
She had to have the bird any way.​ 
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up 
In her living room and waited for it to say something..​ 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ​

"New house, new madam."​ 


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, 
But then thought "that's really not so bad."​ 

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school ​ 
The bird saw and said, ​

"New house, new madam, new girls."​ 


The girls and the woman were a bit offended 
But then began to laugh about the situation ​ 

Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.​ 


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith 
Came home from work.​ 
The bird looked at him and said, ​

*"Hi, Keith!"*​


----------



## qcgoods2006

*Dialogues*​ *Employee:*
i'm sorry I 'm late, My mother-in-law has been staying with us, and this morning she slipped in the bathroom and fell unconsclous over the sink.
*Employer: *
Goodness. What did you do?
*Employee:*
I didn't know what to do first. But finally I shaved in the tub.

 best regards
Weihua


----------



## qcgoods2006

*Humor Dialogues

* *Doctor in maternity house*: On the last evering before your boby is to be delivered, you will given a complementary dinner.

*Wife*: Honey, I'm getting so excited.

*Husband*: Me too. I can't wait to order the lobster.​


----------



## goldenlight

Kids Say It Best

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


----------



## kingoftf

annother comparison:

8 ml of ink for inkjet-Printers: 33 Dollar

That´s 4180 Dollar for 1 Liter ( or 15825 Dollar for a Gallon)


----------



## kingoftf

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING 
THE OTHER DAY 

I THOUGHT 
I COULD TALK 
MY WAY OUT OF IT 
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT 
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT


----------



## PhantomPhoton

Found one that made me smile. I'll resurrect this thread. 



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.

The woman below replied, You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.�

You must be a programmer, said the balloonist.

I am,� replied the woman, How did you know?

Well,� answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.�

The woman below responded, You must be in Management.�

I am,� replied the balloonist, but how did you know?�

Well,� said the woman, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.�


----------



## HoopleHead

2 fish are in a tank. one says to the other:



you man the guns. ill drive.


----------



## HoopleHead

2 snowmen are chillin outside. one says to the other:



dude is it just me, or does it smell like carrots out here?


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A lawyer went duck hunting in Tennessee. He takes aim and shoots down a duck. The duck falls from the sky and lands on a farmer's plantation. The lawyer jumps the fence to retrieve his game when he is confronted by the property owner. The farmer demands that the lawyer leave the property immediately or he'll be shot. The lawyer says, "Do you know who I am? If you don't let me have the duck, I'll sue you."
The farmer responds saying, "Sue me? Nobody sues anybody out here in Tennessee. We go by the three kick rule."
The lawyer asks, "What's the three kick rule?"
The farmer explains, "I kick you three times, then you kick me three times. Whoever's left standing at the end wins."
The lawyer says "that sounds fair".
The farmer responds, "I'll go first."
The farmer starts by kicking the lawyer in the nuts. The lawyer bends over in pain. The farmer takes a second shot and kicks the lawyer in the face while he's bent over. The lawyer falls to the ground. The lawyer starts to get up and gets kicked in the head again. He hits the ground in agony.
After awhile, the lawyer manages to get up and says, "Now it's my turn."
The farmer says, "Okay. I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## climberkid

i like jokes


----------



## Burgess

to Hooked-On-Fenix --


:thumbsup:



_


----------



## PhantomPhoton

Three Statisticians go duck hunting together. Eventually they find their target; the first takes aim and shoots 2 feet above the duck. The second statistician takes aim and shoots two feet below the duck. The third jumps up and exclaims, "we got it!"


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A preacher and a cab driver die and go to heaven. They are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates and he shows them to their new homes. They go to the cab driver's home first. It's a huge mansion. Next, the preacher is shown his home. It's a nice little house in the countryside. The preacher can't understand why the cab driver got such a huge house and he got a little one. He asks Peter why. Peter responds, "When he drove, people prayed. When you preached, people slept."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

NASA has found water on Mars...


----------



## UncleFester

... And to think I even looked......


----------



## climberkid

i feel ashamed...oo: but i chuckled


----------



## PhotonWrangler

The funniest thing is that it's an actual NASA-hosted graphic.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

I heard this one in church read out of a book given to fathers on Fathers' Day.

A preacher is about to deliver a sermon at a homeless man's funeral. The service is to be held at the grave site. The deceased had no friends or family and was to be the first person to be buried in this particular cemetery.
The preacher had never been to the cemetery and being a guy, he refused to ask for directions. Obviously, he got lost. He finally arrives an hour late to find workers are already starting to fill in the hole. He asks the workers to wait, apologizes for being so late, and insists on performing the service arguing that it won't take long and it's the right thing to do. 
The workers let the preacher begin the service. The preacher talks and takes his time reading from Genesis to Revelation. The man pours his heart out in his speech and hears "Amen brother" from the workers throughout the sermon. After some time, the preacher finally finishes his speech. One of the workers approaches him after the service and says, "In the 20 years I've been installing septic tanks, I've never seen anything like that before."


----------



## Burgess

:lolsign::lolsign::lolsign:
_


----------



## aussiebob

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,"Oh!We have wheat fields that are at least twice at large!"

Then they walk around the ranch a little,and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.The Texan immediately says,"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has,meanwhile,almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks,"And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" 

:laughing::laughing::laughing:


----------



## fluke

*Why We Have An Oil Shortage In The UK*

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We simply didn't know we were getting low.

The reason is purely geographical.







Our OIL is located in The North Sea.








But our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster...


----------



## Windscale

*Re: Why We Have An Oil Shortage In The UK*

Wrong use of the term "Our Oil". It doesn't belong to us. We have to pay for it and we can't afford it. That's why! Buy shares in the big Oil Companies and you may feel better.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A Judo instructor and his student are working out hard and decide to take a water break. They soon discover that there's only one cold water bottle left in the refrigerator. They try to come to a consensus on who gets the water. The teacher has a suggestion. He says to the student, "I'll flip you for it." His student responds, "That's okay, you can have it."


----------



## Marlite

Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 

1st woman: I Froze to Death. 

2nd woman: How Horrible! 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead , I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

1st woman: So, what happened? 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer . . . we'd both 
still be alive.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Brrrrr! :laughing:


----------



## Burgess

to Marlite --

:thumbsup:

:lolsign:
_


----------



## Empath

If we let that one go, it will be no time at all until the family-friendly concept will be totally abandoned on the thread. Rather than close or remove the entire thread, that one has been removed.


----------



## xcel730

Three men were climbing up a mountain. When they reached the summit, they found a magic lamp. One guy rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. The genie said, "Since there's three of you, I'll grant each one of you a wish ... only if you're brave enough. You must jump off this cliff, and say out loud what you want, and you'll land on it." 

Without hesitation, the first man jumped off the cliff and screamed, "MONEY!!!" ... and he landed on a large pile of cash

The second man followed suite and jumped off the cliff and yelled, "GOLD!!!" and he landed on a large pile of gold

The third man, clumsily ran towards the edge of the cliff, right before he jumped, he tripped, and said, "oh cr*p" ...


----------



## climberkid

OOPS!!!!:shakehead


----------



## TITAN1833

A man walks into a bar,and places three brass buttons on the counter and asks for a pint of beer and packet of crisps.

before the bar tender can reply,a man sat in the corner bekons the bar tender over,and says that guy is not all there i know him very well,please bare with him and i will pick up his tab at the end of the night.

several hours pass by,and the brass buttons flowed all night.

At closing time,the bar tender retuns to the man sat in the corner,sir the bill is £49.98.

the man replies,do you have change for a dustbin lid.


----------



## gallagho

This credit cruch is really hitting home, my friend's a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning. He's suing for funfair dismissal.


----------



## TITAN1833

gallagho,
Ha,Ha,these days if they have fair-grounds they can dismiss.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

One day, a guy decided to buy a horse. He hears about a place that sells good horses at a great price and talks to the guy selling the horses. The seller shows him his best horse and the guy buys it. Before the man leaves with his new horse, the seller discloses, "This is a special horse. It was trained by Catholic Monks. It doesn't respond to normal commands like yah or woe. If you want it to run, you yell "Praise the Lord"". The man thanked the seller for the advice and rode off on his new horse.
He started yelling, "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord" and the horse ran faster and faster. All of a sudden, the man noticed he was heading toward a cliff and he didn't know the command to stop the horse. With some quick thinking, he yelled "Amen" and the horse stopped right at the cliff. Grateful that he was still alive, he yelled "Praise the Lord".


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'll have a beer". 
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?" 
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street". 
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?" 
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"


----------



## TITAN1833

Enjoy!! :laughing:


The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen) A. The
body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O
and U
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


----------



## TITAN1833

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
:laughing:


----------



## Monkiee

I got this off of a site called F-16.net

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

*no. 1:* Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
*no. 2:* Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
*no. 1:* This is the Captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
*no. 2:* No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
*no. 1:* THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
*no. 2:* This is a lighthouse, Your Call.
*no. 1:* ...

So all credit goes to www.f-16.net
It makes me laugh every time i read this


----------



## aussiebob

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.


----------



## Burgess

to Monkiee --


Cute !


Thank you for posting that Lighthouse story.


:twothumbs



Oh, and Welcome to CandlePowerForums !

:welcome:


(edited, cuz' my post was shifted around.)

_


----------



## TITAN1833

hoping safe to post?


----------



## Marlite

*Grand Slam from Canada*

Email from a wise friend and watchful observer.


Five surgeons from five largest Canadian cities were discussing who are the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Montreal, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Vancouver, responds, 'Yes, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Calgary, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Halifax chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those chaps always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable. :thinking:

CPFrs are exempt from Grand Slam regardless of Profession or Trade.


----------



## TITAN1833

It's that time of year again CHRISTMAS!!!!



A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:laughing:


----------



## HoopleHead

Two fish are in a tank.


One says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive."





A grasshopper walks into a bar, and orders a vodka tonic. The bartender says "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"


----------



## TITAN1833

"Something to remember" 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night


----------



## Burgess

:lolsign::toilet:
_


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

LOL!


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Here's a wise saying from Confuscious the Canabal (no relation):
"Man who's full of himself will always be empty inside."


----------



## Burgess

Confuscious sez:


A speech is like a Wheel . . . .


The longer the Spoke, the greater the Tire.



_


----------



## TITAN1833

And Confucius also sez:

If at first yo u don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


----------



## Empath

Originally, qcgoods2006 created the thread and provided us with an occasional joke. *For the most part* it didn't follow the path of most joke threads, and survived where other joke threads lost their family friendliness.

Apparently qcgoods2006 finished his business with the thread, and others eventually decided to keep supplying it with new jokes. That's great; we do love a good joke. It even continued the family friendliness for quite awhile.

Now the last few jokes have been removed, since they changed the direction of the the thread into something that won't last. It doesn't even take a step far across the line to redirect it. It only takes a small step on or over the line. Follow-up jokes go a bit farther.... then farther..... then farther. Eventually the joke thread follows those of the past that got closed.


----------



## Mike Painter

Monkiee said:


> I got this off of a site called F-16.net
> 
> Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
> 
> *no. 1:* Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
> *no. 2:* Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
> *no. 1:* This is the Captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
> *no. 2:* No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
> *no. 1:* THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
> *no. 2:* This is a lighthouse, Your Call.
> *no. 1:* ...
> 
> So all credit goes to www.f-16.net
> It makes me laugh every time i read this



Funny but an urban myth. It never happened. (to the Enterprise, the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, or any other ship mentioned.) The site mentions a 1939 story that is similar with out the radar.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get reposessed?


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

I've read the boat/lighthouse one about a mighty battleship before. Still funny no matter what ship!


----------



## Norm

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, 

to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped  
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place .......smack his *** again!"


----------



## Burgess

:lolsign::lolsign::lolsign:

_


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

My 'puter is on Heavy Metal and I didn't see that joke when I last visited.

Also LOL!


----------



## TITAN1833

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a
check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.



The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into
boxes,crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some
soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in
caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned
up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his
new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell .......

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the
place out .

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam
cleaned .

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had
to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit .

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused
to return their calls .

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the
bank to purchase a new place .

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened
politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and
would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange
for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house
had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers
that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers
delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as
they watched the moving company pack everything
to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain
rods.


----------



## tebore

I came across this clip the other day and I thought it was pretty funny. I'm sure other flashoholics would love gadget #1. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOFIDfd03IY

It's in Cantonese but there are subtitles. Language won't be a barrier as it's slapstick stuff anyway.


----------



## kingoftf

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


----------



## TITAN1833

Yeah I eat what I like and mostly talk gibberish,does this mean I'll live forever


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

Speak softly and carry a 1911!!!

I don't have any family history of heart trouble. Problem with eating and drinking is the spare tire around my gut!

Pretty good joke however!


----------



## paxxus

Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


----------



## Burgess

:lolsign::lolsign::lolsign:

_


----------



## Empath

There is a forum in the Underground called Jokes & Satire. Political commentary strong enough to initiate responses from others not in agreement, even if disguised as joking, is expected to be posted in that forum.

KG, yours has been removed. I'm sure the readers in the Underground would enjoy reading it, and perhaps even responding, agreeing, or disagreeing. Feel free to post it there. If you need a copy of what you posted, PM me. I'll send you a copy.


----------



## The Dane

A set of jumpercables comes inot a bar.
The bartender says: Now, dont You go start anything!


----------



## TITAN1833

Admin edit: Let's remember we're a family friendly board. - Content removed.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Two friends, Bob and Jake go bungee jumping. They enjoy it so much that they decide to open up a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They move down to Mexico and build the platform together. When finished, they decide to test the platform and bungee setup. A curious crowd of Mexicans gather around to see the jump. Jake goes first. Jake jumps off the platform and gets within a few feet of the ground before the bungee springs him back up. When he gets near the platform, Bob sees that his shirt is torn. Jake drops down again and comes back up with his clothes torn to shreds. He drops down a third time and comes up with open wounds covering his body. Bob grabs him and pulls him back to the platform. Bob asks Jake, "What happened? Was the bungee too long?" Jake says, "I'm not sure. By the way, what's a pinata?"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.

Claude, the hypnotist, exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its' polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!", said the Hypnotist.

It took over three days to clean up the Senior Center ...


----------



## iapyx

I've got a nice joke:

Here (NL) we pay about 7,30 USD per gallon. 
1,35 EURO per liter.

wish it were a joke.


----------



## Coop

iapyx said:


> Here (NL) we pay about 7,30 USD per gallon.
> 1,35 EURO per liter.



Might be useful to mention that it concerns gas prices 

We had it worse tho, a while ago we paid over $9 a gallon here in NL... And people wonder why we all drive those boring econoboxes...


----------



## iapyx

qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke: Gas price comparison
> 
> ............
> 
> So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!


 
Coop,
The first message of this thread was.....see quote above. 

But maybe as a reminder yes you are right. 
And indeed it was 9 per gallon some time ago.


----------



## Coop

Keep in mind that this is a 200+ post thread that has been running for over 2.5 years, not everyone will remember how it started... :nana:


----------



## iapyx

A good reason to start reading the first post of every thread you read.


----------



## Coop

I did... on 22 january 2007 

Now to get things back to the funnies again...

A little story that was posted on some other forum, so not mine but I found it pretty funny nonetheless...





Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY
TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip [email protected]#t,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I [email protected]#t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


----------



## iapyx

Coop you have a short memory. 
Ok ok just teasing. 

I read a funny story by you some time ago.
Was about you and your rendez-vous with a police officer in Tilburg.
He was trying to get you for riding your bike without a light. 
It made me ROTFLMAO. 

Gotta read your new story now. Hope it will make me ROTF again.

iapyx 



Coop said:


> I did... on 22 january 2007
> 
> Now to get things back to the funnies again...
> 
> A little story that was posted on some other forum, so not mine but I found it pretty funny nonetheless...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
> 
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY
> TOO COOL!
> 
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
> AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> 
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
> arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
> spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
> this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
> only two triple-A batteries, right?
> 
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> 
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
> I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> 
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another.
> 
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.
> 
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
> possible way!'
> 
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, 'don't do it dip [email protected]#t,' reasoning that a one second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
> the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER
> OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
> 
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
> the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
> 
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
> avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
> 
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
> zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
> burst would be considered conservative?
> 
> *(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
> 
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
> the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
> where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
> 
> Apparently I [email protected]#t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
> of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
> believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
> offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
> 
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A cowboy named Mark was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Mark looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy
and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Mark.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Mark says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Mark.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are
than I am; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. 

Now give me back my dog.


----------



## qip

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.
*DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!*

FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND
YOUR HERO.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get
the calculator.....)

5 ) You'll get a 2 digit number.....

6 ) Add the digits together















Now Scroll down


.................








With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list
below:


1. Einstein

2. Lincoln

3. George Washington

4. Ronald Reagan

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Mother Teresa

8. JFK

9. qip

10. Barack Obama


I know... ..I just have that effect on people.....one day
you, too, can be like me.....Believe it!

also Stop picking different numbers!!

I AM YOUR HERO, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!


..p.s got this in an email thought it was cute


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

Seen that one before but it STILL made me chuckle!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to 
his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following 
results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn
from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Grandpa receives a letter in the mail stating he is being audited by the I.R.S.. He has an appointment to see an auditor the next day. He shows up with his lawyer. 

The I.R.S. auditor says, "Sir, I'm not surprised that you showed up with an attorney. Let's see here. You are retired. You have no steady income, yet you live an extravagant lifestyle which you claim to pay for with your winnings from gambling. Sir, I'm not sure the I.R.S. finds that believable."

Grandpa responds, "I'm a great gambler, and I'll prove it." I'll bet you $1,000 I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks that is impossible and takes the bet as a way to win the case. He says, "You're on."

Grandpa takes out his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now I'll bet you $2,000 I can bite my other eye."

The I.R.S. auditor thinks about it for a minute. After realizing Grandpa isn't blind and can't have another glass eye, he takes the bet. Grandpa takes out his dentures and bites his good eye. The I.R.S. auditor gets really nervous as he's losing his case and is out $3,000.

Grandpa says, "Let's make this interesting. Want to go double or nothing? I'll bet you $6,000 I can pee from one side of your desk to the other, the long way, getting all the liquid in the trash can on the other side, without a drop landing anywhere in between."

The I.R.S. auditor takes a look at the distance and thinks Grandpa has no chance of making it. He takes the bet. Grandpa aims and shoots, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't quite get the stream to reach the trash can, so he pretty much pees all over the auditor's desk. The I.R.S. auditor jumps for joy after realizing he turned a major loss into a great victory. Grandpa's lawyer drops his head and puts his head in his hands. 

The I.R.S. auditor asks the lawyer "What's wrong."

The Lawyer says, "This morning Grandpa bet me $25,000 he could pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

Good one!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment 
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered
a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes..
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man
and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## Burgess

to PhotonWrangler --


Priceless ! ! !


:lolsign::goodjob::thanks:
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old 
rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for 
illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in 
that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the 
authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his 
rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to 
the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go 
wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers 
given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the 
DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa 
Gertrudis bull . . . . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it 
seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The 
officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, 
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"


----------



## andyw513

Lmao, I'm laughing at all these, wish I had one to contribute back.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of 
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit 
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where 
you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms 
straight for more than a full minute. 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


----------



## John_Galt

inappropriate joke removed... Sorry Empath...


----------



## TedTheLed

this appeared originally, (and dare I say more funnyly?) by moi in the underground as "The Italian Tomato Garden" -- but -- uh oh -- what appears there is supposed to stay there, so I guess we're all in hot water one way or another..


----------



## Empath

You can quote it if you wish, since it was your post, but we don't post links to the Underground postings.

We take the Vegas rule seriously.


----------



## John_Galt

I apologize Empath. I did not realize this had been posted in the Underground, and was better suited there... I'll remove it immediately....


----------



## Empath

Oh, bother! (credited to Winnie The Pooh)

Now we don't have either rendition.

I didn't see anything in it that made it undesirable for here.


----------



## TedTheLed

..you got 'em where you want 'em Emp, cringing in paranoid fear! 
for gosh sakes John, it's just a JOKE--

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie


----------



## Burgess

:lolsign::lolsign::lolsign:
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Gun Powder"

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life he should
sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each
morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the
age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
15 great grandchildren, and...

... a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Q: Is it true that an alligator won't bite a man carrying a flashlight?

A: Depends on how fast he's carrying it.


----------



## burgessdi

LOL got this in email and had to post... 

There was a young lady named "Bright"
Who could travel quite faster than light
She set out, one day, in a relative way
And came back the previous night.


----------



## C.F.Burgess Battery

PhotonWrangler said:


> Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
> "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
> 
> That pretty much ended the service.



Oh man !! Too true !!


----------



## Alex K.

PhotonWrangler said:


> *Gun Powder"
> 
> A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson
> that if he wanted to live a long life he should
> sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each
> morning.
> 
> The grandson did this religiously and lived to the
> age of 93.
> 
> When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
> 15 great grandchildren, and...
> 
> ... a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


 
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!!lovecpf


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Some flashlight humor in today's Dilbert...


----------



## JCD

highorder said:


> Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
> 
> 
> 
> around here, a gallon of milk costs $2.19
Click to expand...


Around here, there's 32 ounces in a quart!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


----------



## Burgess

:lolsign::lolsign::lolsign:


Good one, PhotonWrangler ! ! !


----------



## guiri

Nereus said:


> When a finn notices that the neighbour has bought a new Ferrari he goes completely mad. Lurking behind the curtains he watches the ferrari and calls a local police office that the neighbour must be a criminal - otherwise he could not have been able to afford it. In the middle of the night finn goes out, punches the tyres of the ferrari and scratches the sides of the ferrari with a following text "owned by a super greedy capitalist". Next morning the finn drives to the grocery store with a 20-year-old Lada Samara.
> 
> That's finnish jealousy.
> 
> Being a finn I sometimes wish that the text above was only a joke... but it is not. We also say in finland that "If you have success in your life, hide it very carefully."
> 
> - N



Works the same in Sweden :sigh:


----------



## guiri

goldenlight said:


> Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
> other so well, they decided to get married.
> 
> One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
> 
> The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
> handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
> 
> After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
> to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
> 
> 
> "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
> 
> 
> Are you ready for this?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
> 
> 
> Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
> enjoy... Even these silly little cute..... And clean jokes
> 
> Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I liked it


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Heard on NPR's _Science Friday_ today - 

So the millipede said to the centipede "Wanna join our club?"
The centipede replied "Naw, you've got too many members."

Why did the mushroom marry the moss?
He took a lichen to her.


----------



## guiri

I had to look up lichen


----------



## BarryG

*Somewhat true story of man...*

God created the mule, and told him , "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk til dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years. The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please give me no more than 20". And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwelling of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is to much. Please, no more than 10 years."

God then created the monkey and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny and you shall live 20 years." The monkey responded, "God, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please give me no more than 10 years..." and it was so.

Finally God created man and told him, "You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be a man for only 20 years is too little. Please give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused and the 10 years rejected by the monkey."

And so God made man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. 

And it is so...:nana:


<Author unknown>


----------



## BarryG

*Bathe your cat...funny*

How to bathe your cat...

1. Thoroughly clean your toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe your cat as you carry it to the bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place your cat in the toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so the cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. Ignore the ruckus from inside the toilet. The cat is enjoying this.

6. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides the power rinse, which is quite effective. The cat is too big to go anywhere.

7. Have someone open the outside door, stand as far from the toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when he gets hungry.


Sincerely, The Dog


----------



## Mathiashogevold

*Re: Bathe your cat...funny*

Do you really do that? hahahahahaaha! 

Well, i take a shower with my cat. She does actually like it.


----------



## Empath

*Re: Bathe your cat...funny*

A couple of threads, created for posting a single joke, have been moved to this thread.

Please reconsider the need for a dedicated thread to simply post a joke.

Those that haven't done so, may review the suggestions of this posting.


----------



## Russ Prechtl

PhantomPhoton said:


> Well,� said the woman, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.�


 
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO True!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Badbeams3

*How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?*

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 
1 Mod to harangue the OP for no real reason
1 to move it to the Lighting section 
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 
5 to flame the spell checkers 
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
3 pedants to argue about what factory the best one comes from
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 
2 greens to argue about the carbon footprint and how it should be a longlife one
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
1 Mod to edit a link or two 
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 
1 spammer to inject some Nike bulb linkspam
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 
1 crazy trying to jack their postcount to 10,000
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
1 Admin to comment on site policy re. lamp posts 
1 to talk about his YouTube lamp vid
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 
1 GrimGroan and 1 BogJam to try and outdo each other with the coarsest vid on bulbs possible without getting an infraction, cunningly hiding the worst linkspam and vulgarities right at the end of the vid where only Special Forces dudes are tuff enuff to get to and even so 3 of them died getting there
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
2 Mods to argue all over again about if the post needs editing, moving or deleting
1 Mod to screw up and infract a post 10 months old
1 to take the whole debate across to another forum to do it properly over there



> 1 Mod to harangue the OP for no real reason
> 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
> 2 Mods to argue all over again about if the post needs editing, moving or deleting


Consider yourself harangued for not posting in the joke thread.
I'm sure this joke started the rounds of the net much longer than six months ago.
I managed to move your post to the correct thread all by myself.
Norm


----------



## ICUDoc

*Neutrino Jokes?*

The barman looks up and says "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here". A neutrino walks into a bar.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK, so I just about fell off my chair hearing this one.
Best joke since the Heisenberg / Shrodinger arrest gag


----------



## nbp

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*

Two atoms are walking along and the one turns to the other:

"I think I've lost an electron!"

"Really?! Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"


----------



## ICUDoc

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*

Thanks, nbp.
The other CPFers better get themselves a chemistry joke before all the good ones Argon.


----------



## nbp

ICUDoc said:


> Thanks, nbp.
> The other CPFers better get themselves a chemistry joke before all the good ones Argon.





It would seem that if the other members are not phosphorus, they are against us.


----------



## ICUDoc

Mate, if they're not part of the solution, they're part of the precipitate...


----------



## DM51

Neon should be allowed to get away with such terrible puns.


----------



## nbp

DM51 said:


> Neon should be allowed to get away with such terrible puns.



If they're so bad, maybe we should just Barium.


----------



## DM51

Don't be a Silicon. No need to Boron and on about it. It's Zinc or swim in this game, you know.


----------



## Jay R

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*



ICUDoc said:


> The barman looks up and says "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here". A neutrino walks into a bar.


 
It's depressing. I laughed at that then looked around my office to tell it to someone. Then I realised I was the only person on this floor who would get it.


----------



## Burgess

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*

" Come and Get me, Copper ! ", giggled the Silicon.

Then, he bumped his Neon the table.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*



Burgess said:


> " Come and Get me, Copper ! ", giggled the Silicon.
> 
> Then, he bumped his Neon the table.


----------



## ICUDoc

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were pulled over by a policeman.
"Do you you know how fast you were going?", the copper asked Heisenberg indignantly.
"Not precisely" said Heisenberg "but I know _exactly_ where I am!"
The officer asked to examine the contents of the trunk.
"Hey" he yelled out from behind the car "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here????"
"D'OH!" cried Schrodinger, slapping his palm to his forehead "I DO NOW!!!!!"


----------



## JacobJones

*Re: Neutrino Jokes?*



Burgess said:


> " Come and Get me, Copper ! ", giggled the Silicon.
> 
> Then, he bumped his Neon the table.


 
Stop being silicon. Guards, caesium and escort him back to his cell.


----------



## nbp

Has anyone gone to see the NeuTron movie? That Olivia Wilde looks great in latex. oo:

It's a good thing I'm not charging for these jokes. I don't think I could Selenium.


----------



## Burgess

Hey !

Wire you Insulate ? ? ?

Don't you know when to be Ohm ?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

This discussion is reVOLTing. You should all be thrown in a dry cell.


----------



## InHisName

*Battery joke*

This struck me hilarious !

battery joke

another joy of child hood.


----------



## bshanahan14rulz

*Re: Battery joke*

I remember when Red and Rover came out. *almost* filled the void in my heart left from when Calvin and Hobbes went on their last adventure into the wilderness of the mind in their red wagon.


----------



## Launch Mini

Good one


----------



## jellydonut

*Flashlight comic*







Anyone inspired? :nana:


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Two peanuts walking down the street. One was a'salted.


----------



## guiri




----------



## Burgess

boy: My dog doesn't have a NOSE !


girl: How does it SMELL ? ? ?


boy: AWFUL ! ! !


----------



## RBR

.....


----------



## RBR

.....


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In case of emergency, notify…” I put “DOCTOR.”
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than one time.
17. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives


----------



## mvyrmnd

*The secret to a happy marriage*

I saw this on another forum and couldn't resist:


----------



## DUQ

*Re: The secret to a happy marriage*

We all must have really happy marriages


----------



## ^Gurthang

*This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

Check this out 

http://wulffmorgenthaler.com/img/strip/-WM_strip_DK_20120526.jpg

could this be called "dark" humor


----------



## nofearek9

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

 it would be nice if you can "shadow" a sunny place with your flashlight


----------



## hank

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

and this is what happens when you manufacture batteries wrong:
http://www.autoblog.com/2012/05/14/a123-systems-posts-125-million-net-loss/;
"... loss includes about $51.6 million related to replacing battery modules and packs that possibly may include defective cells produced at its Livonia facility ..."

defective? that's code for 'for sale cheap on ebay' isn't it?


----------



## skyfire

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

:lolsign:


----------



## biglights

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

I've been in the market for a combustible gas detector lately so I've been reading the reviews of various models. I stumbled across this review of a _real product_ and it's a must read. Spoiler for mild potty humor...


----------



## Burgess

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

Make me Laugh Out Loud ! ! !

Detects the Silent Killer !





Admittedly, this would be a GREAT device for Parties !

Or at WORK !


:eeew:


----------



## chmsam

*Re: This is what happens when you install batteries wrong*

Reading that brought tears to my eyes but then again so does my sister's dog sometimes so I might have to get her one of those. oo:


----------



## Lucciola

*Re: there are some jokes*

A pastor and a shepherd compete against each other in a game show. At the end of the show the scores are even, so they are given a final task to determine the winner: They have 1 minute time to make a four-line impromptu poem which makes a rhyme on "Timbuktu".

After the time is up the pastor begins:

"I was a preacher all my life
had no children, had no wife.
I read the bible, through and through
on my way to Timbuktu!"

The audience is going nuts. Everybody is totally excited about this level of culture before 8pm. It seems that the pastor is the winner and nobody thinks that the shepherd can still win. But then comes the poem of the shepherd:

"Tim and I to London went
and met three ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two
so I booked one and Timbuktu!"


----------



## Lucciola

*Re: there are some jokes*

"Mom, I can't go to school today, I don't feel well."

"Where, in your stomach?"

"No, in school"


----------



## Burgess

*Re: there are some jokes*

Helium walks into a Bar.


Bartender says:

" Sorry, we don't serve Noble Gases here. "


Helium does not react.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: there are some jokes*



Burgess said:


> Helium walks into a Bar.
> 
> 
> Bartender says:
> 
> " Sorry, we don't serve Noble Gases here. "
> 
> 
> Helium does not react.



...at which point the noble gases argon from the bar.


----------



## climberkid

PhotonWrangler said:


> ...at which point the noble gases argon from the bar.



Hahaha perfect. Absolute genius.


-Alex


----------



## Burgess

Hah !

Jokes like that are a Dyne a Dozen !


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol!

These puns are so bad we should barium.


----------



## climberkid

PhotonWrangler said:


> Lol!
> 
> These puns are so bad we should barium.



DOH!


-Alex


----------



## nbp

Some good chemistry jokes starting in post 247.


----------



## taclightning

*Why it's very important with all the right specs...*

Hehe - just made this, +1 if you can identify with the situation...


----------



## nbp

Awesome! 


And so true!

:goodjob:


----------



## weez82

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*


----------



## SamF

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*

Sad, but true.


----------



## HighlanderNorth

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*

Yeah, but in hindsight, I'm glad there wasnt a holocaust right after I got my Nitecore light. Wait a minute! I dont have a Nitecore light yet! Thats why the holocaust hasnt happened yet, I have to buy the light first, so that I am prepared for the holocaust, then the holocaust will happen! I got the order all wrong, darn... Well at least the holocaust waited til I have a quality Nitecore light to help me deal with it!

I do have a few Jetbeam lights, but I guess that doesnt count.... But I can use them to help me go to the bathroom at night in the mean time....


----------



## f22shift

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*

:rock::lolsign:
perfection lol


----------



## Up All Night

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*

Thanks for the wake-up call!.................I'm Done!!! LOL!

Nice multitasking with the ceiling & toilet bounce!:thumbsup:


----------



## shelm

perfect trolling lol! :thumbsup:


----------



## taclightning

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*



HighlanderNorth said:


> Yeah, but in hindsight, I'm glad there wasnt a holocaust right after I got my Nitecore light. Wait a minute! I dont have a Nitecore light yet! Thats why the holocaust hasnt happened yet, I have to buy the light first, so that I am prepared for the holocaust, then the holocaust will happen! I got the order all wrong, darn... Well at least the holocaust waited til I have a quality Nitecore light to help me deal with it!
> 
> I do have a few Jetbeam lights, but I guess that doesnt count.... But I can use them to help me go to the bathroom at night in the mean time....



Yes - but so far no halocaust here


----------



## Burgess

*there are some jokes*

Neutron walks into a Bar.

Asks: " How much for a drink ? "



Bartender answers:

" For you -- No Charge "



Neutron says:

" Are you Positive ? "


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: there are some jokes*



Burgess said:


> Neutron walks into a Bar.
> 
> Asks: " How much for a drink ? "
> 
> 
> 
> Bartender answers:
> 
> " For you -- No Charge "



Lol. Neutron: "Are you positive?"


----------



## Burgess

*Re: there are some jokes*

Thank you, PW.

I've updated my joke !

:thumbsup:
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: there are some jokes*

There's a million of those electrical jokes. Gotta love 'em!


----------



## Burgess

*Re: there are some jokes*

This just in . . . .


Hallmark has a New card for Valentine's Day:


-- Roses are red, violets are glorious 

-- Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius !


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: there are some jokes*

Lol. How true!


----------



## guiri

*Re: there are some jokes*



Burgess said:


> This just in . . . .
> 
> 
> Hallmark has a New card for Valentine's Day:
> 
> 
> -- Roses are red, violets are glorious
> 
> -- Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius !



That one went right over my head...???


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: there are some jokes*



guiri said:


> That one went right over my head...???



Pistorius is the "blade runner" amputee charged with the murder of his girlfriend.


----------



## guiri

*Re: there are some jokes*

Thanks


----------



## EZO

Someone broke into the local police department and stole all the toilets. The cops are saying they have nothing to go on.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Introducing Google Nose, a new search engine that allows you to search by scent.


----------



## thedoc007

She's the kind of girl who lights up a whole room just by flicking a switch.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Q) What do people never eat for breakfast or dinner?

A) Lunch


----------



## PlayboyJoeShmoe

You have the right to remain silent.

Don't blow it by saying something stupid!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I mentioned Bennett Cerf to someone and it reminded me of one of his classics:

*The Piano Tuner*
A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.

So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.

After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick


----------



## Burgess

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, 
"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started . . . .


----------



## Burgess

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me:

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. 
I really need you to pay me a compliment. "

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


And then the fight started........


----------



## Launch Mini

What do you call a bear standing out in the rain?


















A - A Drizzly Bear


----------



## EZO

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?" 

"He listens to me."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. How true!


----------



## skillet

What's a frogs favorite type of shoe?














Open "toad"


----------



## TEEJ

Two old couples were having dinner together, and one says that he and his wife ate at a great restaurant yesterday...

"I can't remember its name...hey, what's that flower, its red, has thorns....?"

The other old guy says "A rose?"

The first guy says "YES A ROSE!!! - Hey, Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we ate at yesterday?"


----------



## Empath

This post was made nearly five years ago. It applies as much today as it did then. The last three or four posts have been removed.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A guy walks into a restaurant.

When the waiter comes over he asks "what's good here?" "You name it, we got it" replied the waiter.
Customer: Great, I'll have the steak.
Waiter: We don't have that.
Customer: Ok, I'll have the salmon.
Waiter: We don't have that either.
Customer: But you said "Name it, we got it."
Waiter: Right. You haven't named it yet.


----------



## Monocrom

A man gets frustrated that he can't rent out the house that he bought for a cheap price, despite the fact that it's in great condition in a trendy part of the city, with an exclusive address. He does some research and discovers that the house has a bad reputation for being haunted. Determined, he decides to spend the night. 

The electricity goes out, so he sets up a few lanterns and decides to open up an MRE. Before he can eat, a tiny ghost about the size of a G.I. Joe action-figure glides into the room. He looks up at the man and asks, _"Are you gonna be here when John gets here?"_

Annoyed, the man tells the ghost to get lost. The tiny ghost leaves.

A few minutes later, a demon comes into the room! A small demon about the size of a 6D-cell [email protected] It's green with one eye, and a long tongue. It looks at the man and asks, _"Are you gonna be here when John gets here?"_

Annoyed even more, the man threatens to poke out the demon's one eye unless it leaves. The demon turns around and leaves.

No longer being hungry, the man puts down his MRE and pulls out his Smartphone to check out the latest posts on CPF. Half an hour later, a full-sized skeleton walks into the room. It looks at the man with its hollow eye-sockets and says, _"Are you gonna be here when John gets here?"
_
Angered, the man yells at the skeleton to leave before he rips off its skull and uses it as a soccer ball. The skeleton turns and leaves.

An hour later, a giant stomps into the room! He's 11 feet tall, covered in huge, hairy, muscles. Has giant claws the size of Bowie blades. His eyes are blood red. He grabs the MRE package and tosses it into his mouth. Container and all! He looks at the man and says, _"Are you gonna be here when John gets here?"
_
The man looks at the giant and says, _"If you're not John, I'm gone!!!"_

With that the man runs out the back door, never to return to the house.


----------



## EZO

*Re: Why it's very important with all the right specs...*

Last night I saw a play about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the third act I never wanted it to end.


----------



## Speedfreakz

You would think a pirate's favorite letter would be arrr but he is really in love with the c


----------



## Monocrom

Apparently farmers have invaded this thread. Cause I'm seeing some very *corny* jokes.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Yeah, I think they're all *plowed *


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Customer at a restaurant: Do you have coffee?
Waitress: Yes.
Customer: How much are refills?
Waitress: Refills are free.
Customer: Great. I'll have a refill.


----------



## Monocrom

LOL ... Good one.


----------



## LedTed

*Picky Critter*

I wanted to share this cute story with the group. Terms in quotes are my wife's words.

Long introduction shortened, my wife has me feeding "the yard pets".

With winter coming and the "outdoor pets" needing to get "squishy", I put out the cookie portions of one Oreo. One of the "squirrellys" used his tinny hands to pick up a cookie, licked off the last remnants of filling, and then purposefully throw the now squirrel licked cookie to the ground.

The squirrel's actions made me laugh out loud. My laughing only served to have the squirrel look directly to me - for more filling.

No more cookies for "squirrellys", but an amusing anecdote for me.


----------



## bshanahan14rulz

*Re: Picky Critter*

Be careful with squivvels. Give a squivvel an inch (or an oreo), and he'll chuck the licked-dry remains at your face and demand for more! Rather, you should teach said squivvel to fetch cookies for YOU.

(also, when I think of squirrels, I think of Jeremy Clarkson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SskKMbX6qmk#t=10)


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Picky Critter*

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right.
The statistician yells “We got ‘em!”


----------



## nbp

*Re: Picky Critter*

:laughing:


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Picky Critter*

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A fish

----------------------------------------------------------
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid.
The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral.

The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.


----------



## bshanahan14rulz

*Re: Picky Critter*

Hah, I liked that one about the three fellas going hunting!

A professor once told us that the main character trait among all engineers is, in essence, laziness. An Engineer will approach a problem with a view of, "what's the easiest way to get this done right?"

Hmm, ok, I guess this doesn't belong in teh jokes thread


----------



## Steve K

*Re: Picky Critter*



bshanahan14rulz said:


> Hah, I liked that one about the three fellas going hunting!
> 
> A professor once told us that the main character trait among all engineers is, in essence, laziness. An Engineer will approach a problem with a view of, "what's the easiest way to get this done right?"
> 
> Hmm, ok, I guess this doesn't belong in teh jokes thread



the easiest way to get a job done is to hire someone else to do it. Most engineers are concerned with efficiency or optimization, though. Most jokes about engineers tend to focus on their love of technology and obliviousness to the opposite gender. 

EDN magazine did a few engineer jokes, and one of them pits the engineers against mathematicians.... 



Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.

The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.

As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.

One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Picky Critter*



Steve K said:


> ...One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."



LOL. That was good.


----------



## JacobJones

*Re: Picky Critter*

Very funny indeed, but what happens next? We have 3 mathematicians in the lavatory with no ticket and 3 engineers outside the lavatory with 1 ticket between them. The way I see it they're at a stalemate, the engineers need a lavatory and the mathematicians need a ticket... Hilarity ensues as 6 people try and squeeze into a train lavatory.


----------



## Monocrom

*Re: Picky Critter*



JacobJones said:


> Very funny indeed, but what happens next? We have 3 mathematicians in the lavatory with no ticket and 3 engineers outside the lavatory with 1 ticket between them. The way I see it they're at a stalemate, the engineers need a lavatory and the mathematicians need a ticket... Hilarity ensues as 6 people try and squeeze into a train lavatory.



LOL ... You must be a philosopher. You're over-analizing that joke.


----------



## dc38

*Re: Picky Critter*



Monocrom said:


> LOL ... You must be a philosopher. You're over-analizing that joke.



They could just hop over to the next car...


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Picky Critter*



dc38 said:


> They could just hop over to the next car...



Then you'd have two lavatories tied up! :laughing:


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Picky Critter*

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. 
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 
'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff !


----------



## Cataract

*Re: Picky Critter*

A man is hitchhiking in a rain so strong he can't even see five feet in front of him. After a while a car slowly comes by and stops in front of him. Without even thinking twice, the man runs to the car and hops into the backseat. No one other than him is in the car and the engine is off, but the car starts rolling again. The man is terrified and intrigued, but so despaired by the rain that he decided to wait it out and see what happens next. 

Every now and then a hand appears near the window and steers the car and disappears again and he can swear he hears some whispers through the noise of the rain. Even more terrified, the man is hoping that all will end well and starts praying. After a half hour, the cars comes to a stop in front of a pub and the man dashes out of the vehicle and into the pub, completely drenched. A minute later 2 other men, drenched as well, walk into the bar when one of them yells: "There's that idiot who ran into the car while we were pushing it!"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Picky Critter*

Lol, did not see that one coming! :laughing:


----------



## skillet

*Re: Picky Critter*

A man joins a monestery and takes a vow of silence. On his five year anniversary, the director calls him into the office and congratulates him for his accomplishment by giving him the liberty to speak only two words. He says, "Bad food." The director says "OK, I understand" and dismisses him. On his tenth anniversary, same scenario, same offer to speak two words and the man says, "Hard beds." Director nods his head in understanding and the man leaves the office. Fifteen year anniversary, same director, same scenario, same offer to speak two words. "I quit!" The man exclaims. 

"Good," says the director, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"


----------



## Monocrom

*Re: Picky Critter*



PhotonWrangler said:


> A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
> 
> 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
> After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
> The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
> 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
> 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
> 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
> 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
> 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff !



Okay ...... That was a good one.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

*Re: Jokes*

Shouldn't paranoid people who look behind their shower curtains for murderers have a plan in case they find one? 

~ Chance


----------



## Monocrom

*Re: Jokes*



Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Shouldn't paranoid people who look behind their shower curtains for murderers have a plan in case they find one?
> 
> ~ Chance



Beat him to death with your over-sized [email protected] :nana:


----------



## Empath

*Re: Jokes*

Some posts serving as a springboard toward ethnic/racial profiling removed. For reasons for the strict moderation, and the history of why this thread has survived, see this post from early in the thread.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Jokes*

A guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a
big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" 
The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise." :santa:


----------



## Monocrom

*Re: Jokes*



PhotonWrangler said:


> The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise." :santa:



*Boo!!! **... :lolsign:*


----------



## Cataract

*Re: Jokes*

2 snails on a turtle's shell. The turtle finally comes out of the shell and starts walking. One snail turns to the other and says:
"Hang on for your life!"


----------



## TEEJ

*Re: Jokes*

Dr. Seuss put a Cat in a Hat, and Dr. Schrödinger put a cat in a box.

Both cats are neither dead nor alive.


If both cats were to get out of their predicaments and come after their owners, I would definitely NOT want to be Dr. Schrödinger.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Jokes*

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his Mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


----------



## dc38

*Re: Jokes*



TEEJ said:


> Dr. Seuss put a Cat in a Hat, and Dr. Schrödinger put a cat in a box.
> 
> Both cats are neither dead nor alive.
> 
> 
> If both cats were to get out of their predicaments and come after their owners, I would definitely NOT want to be Dr. Schrödinger.



Took me a minute to finally say...OHHHH I get it now!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

*Re: Jokes*

You know how geese fly in formation in a V shape? Ever wonder why one side of the V is longer than the other?
.
.
.
.
.
There's more geese on that side


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

*Re: Jokes*

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 20.

One electrician to climb a ladder and figure out he can't screw a lightbulb into a GU24 ceiling can light fixture.
One contractor to make a run to Home Depot for a screw in bulb can light fixture.
One electrician to remove the GU24 can light fixture and install the screw in bulb can light fixture.
One apprentice to try to hand the screw in bulb to the electrician.
One building inspector to tell the workers they can't screw in a lightbulb unless it's on a dimmer.
One new contractor to make a material run for a dimmer after the last contractor quit.
One more building inspector with a different view of Title 24 to tell the electrician the light has to be high efficiency and on a dimmer.
One more new contractor to go buy a 13.5 watt dimmable l.e.d. bulb after yet another contractor quit.
One more electrician to figure out the l.e.d. bulb doesn't work with that particular dimmer.
One more contractor to find a dimmer that works after the last contractor went crazy and kept banging his head against the drywall.
One more electrician to install the dimmer that works with the l.e.d. bulb.
One more building inspector to tell the electrician that the l.e.d. bulb has to be hardwired into the fixture.
One more electrician to hardwire the l.e.d. bulb after the last electrician went nuts and shot a nail through his temple with a nailgun.
One more building inspector to fail the house upon final inspection because the 13.5 watt 60 watt equivalent l.e.d. bulb no longer qualifies for Title 24 after January 1, 2014 (It can't use above 10.5 watts).
One more contractor to buy a 10.5 watt l.e.d. bulb after the last contractor jumped off the roof.
One more electrician to screw in the 10.5 watt l.e.d. bulb and hardwire it into the fixture.
One more electrician to flip the switch and notice that the light flickers horribly with that particular dimmer.
One pissed off homeowner to tell them to leave it and call for inspection anyway.
One more building inspector to sign off on final inspection.
One more contractor to come back after final inspection to change out the entire fixture and screw in the last 60 watt incandescent bulb available in the U.S.


----------



## Monocrom

Okay, that was a good one. :lolsign:


----------



## Empath

Once again, this reminder is offered. Another joke has been removed.


----------



## Monocrom

It's the height of Prohibition. 

Man wants a drink. He knows of no speak-easys in the area since he's out of town. He sees a suspicious-looking man on the street corner wearing a very long trench-coat. It's the middle of Summer. He waits awhile and sees another man walk up to the guy. Trench-coat man opens up his coat, and hands the other man a bottle of what looks like whiskey in exchange for some money.

After seeing that, our thirsty tourist walks over and tells trench-coat man that he wants to buy a bottle from him. But the man seems confused and upset. He shakes his head, "No." The tourist persists. After awhile he realizes the man is deaf. Unable to communicate in sign language, the thirsty tourist starts getting upset himself. The deaf man starts to walk away. He is approached by someone who seems to recognize him and is able to communicate with him. The new man walks over to our thirsty tourist and says, "He won't sell to you because he doesn't know you. Never seen you around before. He thinks you're a cop."

The tourist tells this man that he's not a cop. Actually takes him half an hour of standing there... trying to convince the new man that he's not a cop. Finally, he is taken at his word... The helpful man then promptly pulls out a gun and robs our thirsty tourist. 

(_The story is true. Just a couple of facts were changed._)


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

12 Angry Men
A federal court is trying to determine the guilt or innocense of 2 cops that have been caught working for the mob. The case has been going on for months, and while it seems to be an open and shut case, the defense attorney has been dragging it out way too long. The 12 jurors are about to snap and if they could avoid it, they would never want to do jury duty again. These are 12 men who would like to get back to their families and careers. In order of jurors 1-12, they can best be described as a lawyer, a herpetologist, a shepherd, a surgeon, a carpenter, a grainery owner, a professional waterskiier, a geologist, an athiest, a pig farmer, a chicken farmer, and a Christian.

As the defense attorney made his closing remarks, he addressed the jury and said, "Listen, I understand that my clients have made a few recent mistakes in their careers, but considering their long time of public service, I'm asking you to find it in your hearts to forgive my clients and render a verdict of not guilty. As men of conviction, I ask you, what would Jesus do?

The jury's response was not what the defense attorney was hoping for. These are the juror's responses to the accused:

Juror 1, the lawyer: "You hypocrites!"
Juror 2, the herpetologist: "You brood of angry vipers!"
Juror 3, the shepherd: "You wolves in sheep's clothing!'
Juror 4, the surgeon: "We ought to cut off your hands and gouge out your eyes!"
Juror 5, the carpenter: "Give me a day and I'll build a cage to put you in!"
Juror 6, the grainery owner: "Let's hang millstones around their necks and throw them in the depths of the sea."
Juror 7, the professional waterskiier: "After you're done doing all that, let me take them out to the lake and see if they can walk on water."
Juror 8, the geologist: "People please. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Juror 9, the atheist: Threw rocks at the defendants.
Defense attorney: 'Your honor, the jurors are injuring my clients. I demand payment for medical damages."
Before the judge could answer, Juror 10, the pig farmer responded, "No way, don't throw your pearls to swine."
Juror 11, the chicken farmer: "Before the rooster crows three times, your motion for appeal will be denied."
Juror 12, the Christian: Just smiled and said to the defense attorney, "You asked for it."
For some reason, the judge declared a hung jury and the case was retried. None of the jurors were ever asked to serve again.


----------



## Empath

Once again, this reminder is offered. Another joke has been removed.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why did the gum cross the road?
.
.
.
It was stuck to the chicken's foot


----------



## Cataract

A nonchalant-looking employee on a construction site goes to his boss and asks for some oil. His supervisor tells him that would be a special request and he needs to see the foreman about that. So the employee walks into the foreman's office and says:
"would it be possible to get some oil for my wheelbarrow?"
Formeman: "Why in the world do you want oil for a wheelbarrow?"
Employee:" Well, the wheel keeps going 'squeak.. squeak.. squeak... and it's driving me nuts"
foreman: "You're fired!"
Employee: "What!?! You're firing me because my wheelbarrow goes squeak.. squeak.. squeak?"
Foreman: "No, I'm firing you because it's supposed to go 'squeakweekweekweekweekweekweekweek!"


----------



## inetdog

PhotonWrangler said:


> Why did the gum cross the road?
> .
> .
> .
> It was stuck to the chicken's foot



Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he was stapled to the chicken.

Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


----------



## Norm

There was a man who had worked at a factory for twenty years. Every night when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of straw to the guard at the gate.

The guard would look through the straw, and find nothing and pass the man through.

On the day of his retirement the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow.

Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, "Charlie, I've seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you've been stealing something. Now that you're retired, tell me what it is. It's driving me crazy."

Charlie simply smiled and replied, "Okay, wheelbarrows!"


----------



## Cataract

Norm said:


> There was a man who had worked at a factory for twenty years. Every night when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of straw to the guard at the gate.
> 
> The guard would look through the straw, and find nothing and pass the man through.
> 
> On the day of his retirement the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow.
> 
> Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, "Charlie, I've seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you've been stealing something. Now that you're retired, tell me what it is. It's driving me crazy."
> 
> Charlie simply smiled and replied, "Okay, wheelbarrows!"



Someone swore to me that a very similar story was actually real: this one guy was crossing the Can/US border on a bicycle at Niagara falls regularly, often multiples times in a day, with an almost empty backpack and came back no more than hours later on a bicycle. Once retired, the customs agent asked him what was the gimmick; he was selling stolen bikes from Canada in the US and vice-versa.


----------



## Monocrom

Young engineer is put in charge of a construction site. Deciding he's gonna have to show the men whose boss, he decides to immediately fire the very first guy he sees slacking off. So he watches the men like a hawk. But no one is slacking off at all. Everyone works hard. Then the young man notices that it's 5 minutes til lunch. At that moment, he sees a guy not wearing a hard-hat, and leaning against a beam. Not doing a lick of work.

The young man smiles to himself. He runs over to the guy whose slacking off.

_"Hey! I've got one question for you. How much do you make in a week?"_

The guy responds. The young man reaches into his wallet.

_"There! That's a week's pay for you right now! I want you to get out of here and never come back!"_

The man smiles, nods, and leaves after saying, "Yes Sir!"

Proud of himself, the young man notices all of the employees witnessed what he did. Turning to the nearest employee who is just about to head off to lunch, the young man asks...

_"By the way, what was the name of that guy?"

_The employee says, "That was Steve... He's the Pizza delivery boy."


----------



## Norm

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Norm, I think you left out the last two verses:

I couldn't find an off switch,
While the nag was set to high.
And it found my last post on CPF
So I have to say goodbye.

It sold my stash of flashlights
And traded them in for shoes.
Now I'm sleeping in the doghouse
In the dark, with some booze.


----------



## Cataract

Encyclopedia Britannica for sale. Reason: Wife knows veiled profanity removed - Norm everything!


----------



## yoyoman

The only good joke about accountants.

The CEO of a company is retiring and needs to pick his successor. He calls in the VP Marketing and asks, "How much is 1 + 1 ?"
The VP of Marketing immediately replies, "$5 million!" 
"What? Why $5 million?"
"Well, I need to do some consumer surveys and have some focus groups before I can answer."
The CEO calls in the CIO and again asks, "How much is 1 + 1 ?"
The CIO replies, "I don't have enough data to answer. Is it binary, hex or decimal?"
The CEO calls in the CFO and asks the same question. The CFO gets up, shuts the door, sits down and leans forward and asks, "What do you want the answer to be?"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I really hate this darned machine.
I wish that I could sell it.
It never does just what I want
but only what I tell it.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

The School Counselor

After a favorite teacher was gunned down in a school shooting, the principal asked some witnesses to see the school councelor to grieve. Before the meeting with the counselor, the principal took aside Mr. Smith (the school counselor) and said, "Listen, it's important for you to let the students grieve for their loss and air any frustrations, but try to find out if we have any more suicidal or crazy kids on our hands so we don't have any more incidents."

Mr. Smith responded, "No problem" and left for the couselling session. After Mr. Smith listened to the kids air their feelings, he asked them a rather unusual question: "When you die, how do you want to go?"

Alison, the head cheerleader answered first and said, "I want to die young and leave behind a pretty corpse for people to remember me by."

Brad, the varsity quarterback responded, "I want to die from a concussion after winning a football game so people remember how awesome I was."

Tony, a bored member of the chess team said, "I want to die doing a crazy stunt and go out in a blaze of glory."

Allison asked Mr. Smith how he would want to die. Mr. Smith responded, "I want to die comfortably and sound asleep, not like the people in the backseat screaming and trying to wake me up. By the way, does anyone need a ride home after the game?"

After all the students made a mad dash for the door, Mr. Smith went to the principal and said, "There's nothing to worry about. They're all talk."


----------



## Burgess

I know a man who's addicted to Brake Fluid.
Claims he can stop any time.


This girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club,
but i never met herbivore.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . .


----------



## Norm

What does DNA stand for? The National Dyslexics Association.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A red head walks into a bar and comes out drunk.
A brunette walks into a bar and comes out drunk.
A blond walks into a bar and has a concussion.
The guy who tells this joke in a bar walks out alone.

I know a guy who's addicted to ammonia. Claims he can clean up his act any time.

What do you call a parrot that swears and calls you names? Cat food.

What do you call a blind guard dog? Justice.

What do you call a blind seeing eye dog? A stumbling block.

What do you call a pet given as a gift during your early retirement party? Shaft.


----------



## yoyoman

Why do blonds like lightening? They think G-d is taking their picture.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A priest, a rabbi, and an undertaker walk into a bar at closing time. The priest yells out "last call". Everyone keeps drinking. The rabbi yells, "I'm cutting you off." Due to a misunderstanding of what the rabbi said, some of the men leave. The undertaker yells, "I'll see you all tomorrow." Everyone else takes off.


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> I know a man who's addicted to Brake Fluid.
> Claims he can stop any time.
> 
> 
> This girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club,
> but i never met herbivore.
> 
> 
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . .



Boo........... Hey, who let the ghost in here?


----------



## Driftwood7

Why did the turtle cross the road? 

To get to the shell station!


----------



## EZO

Norm said:


> What does DNA stand for? The National Dyslexics Association.





Burgess said:


> A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . .



Reminds me of the one about the Dyslexic Agnostic who doesn't believe there really is a DOG.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Compromise

A big, hungry grizzly bear runs up to a hunter in the forest. The hunter points a gun at the bear. The bear calmly talks to the hunter and says, "Please don't shoot me. I'm sure we can sit down together and come to a compromise that will allow both of us to get what we want."
The hunter responds, "I want a fur coat."
The bear said, "We can work that out. Personally, I want a full stomach. Put the gun down and we'll negotiate."
After sitting down to negotiate, a compromise was reached. The grizzly bear walked away alone with a full stomach. Inside the grizzly was the hunter, wrapped in his fur coat.


----------



## Cataract

Headline: A woman survives a bear attack thanks to her Beretta! 

When interviewed, this is what she declared:
"I was out hiking in the Rockies with my ex-boyfriend when we heard this great thumping noise behind us getting louder and louder. We turned around and saw this big grizzly bear running right at us. This bear was running so fast we knew there was no way we'd be able to get away, so I pulled out my brand new Beretta from my pack and let my breath out calmly while aiming just like they showed us in class. I barely had enough time left to shoot one round in my ex-boyfriend's knee cap. All I had to do then is walk away briskly without looking back. Ex-boyfriends are there for a better reason than company after all..."


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Pamphlet for hiking in bear country

Welcome to bear country. Your safety is our top priority. Due to environmental concerns for the safety of the bears, no firearms are allowed in bear country. Should you feel the need to defend yourselves, feel free to purchase bear spray, bear bells, and cameras in the gift shop. All proceeds go to preserving the bear habitats. The bear bells let the bears know exactly where you are at all times so you don't surprise them. The camera flashes scare the bears away because they have a fear of the paparazzi. The bear spray is in case a bear rushes at you. Be aware that it will only work on the smallest bears that you could just as easily throw a rock at. If you are approached by a grizzly bear, make sure you are in a group and don't be in last place while running away. If you see bear scat with berries and fur, you'll be okay to use the bear spray. If you see bear scat that smells like pepper with bells in it, leave the area immediately. If you are approached by a grizzly bear, take the bear spray and spray the slowest and weakest person in your group in the eyes, face, and midsection as a diversion for the bear, then run. Thank you for your cooperation. -Smokey the Bear


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

_from Reddit_


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## PhotonWrangler

I can't figure out how you would fire one of these models


----------



## inetdog

I once saw a comedy routine by Second City in which a guy was firing a banana, complete with sound effects.
Then if failed to fire and he peeled it halfway down (from the butt end as he was holding it) broke off that half of the banana, put it in his pocket, pulled a fresh half banana out of his other pocket, socketed it and resumed firing.


----------



## StarHalo

> Last edited by StarHalo; Today at 11:12 AM. Reason: post missing; please advise if inappropriate



Granted, it does have some ironical political humor, but, the thread is for telling jokes rather than posting humorous images. Your earlier cartoon had a bit more of a story, and was permitted reluctantly, but this one didn't even have a story line. The first removed post was counted "off-topic", the second was counted "off topic and duplicate", this one would be the same. This time your question was addressed, in hopes that you'll quit posting it. - Empath


----------



## PhotonWrangler

inetdog said:


> I once saw a comedy routine by Second City in which a guy was firing a banana, complete with sound effects.
> Then if failed to fire and he peeled it halfway down (from the butt end as he was holding it) broke off that half of the banana, put it in his pocket, pulled a fresh half banana out of his other pocket, socketed it and resumed firing.



Lol. Well, you have to admit it does have _appeal_.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Ok, who were the CPFers in this story? :laughing:


----------



## Monocrom

Oh those wacky Canadians with their bacon that looks suspiciously like ordinary ham.


----------



## dc38

PhotonWrangler said:


> Ok, who were the CPFers in this story? :laughing:


Oh, that Cataract...


----------



## inetdog

Monocrom said:


> Oh those wacky Canadians with their bacon that looks suspiciously like ordinary ham.



Triumph the insulting sock puppet interviewed a cheerful elderly Quebecois couple who spoke almost no English. 
"So you are both French and Canadian?"
They nodded and smiled.
"So that means you are both insufferable and boring?"
....


----------



## Cataract

PhotonWrangler said:


> Ok, who were the CPFers in this story? :laughing:





dc38 said:


> Oh, that Cataract...



Sorry, I got lost while I was camping in New Hampshire... 









Monocrom said:


> Oh those wacky Canadians with their bacon that looks suspiciously like ordinary ham.



Might be because it comes from pigs, but don't quote me on that...


A Newfoundlander calls the police, telling them his neighbor is a Marijuana dealer and hides his stash inside the wood logs in his backyard. About a half hour later, 3 police cars show up and six police officers proceed to split open every single log in said neighbor's backyard but find nothing, so they just leave. Later, the Newfoundlander calls his neighbor and says:
"Did the police show up?"
"Yes, they left about a half hour ago."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"They sure did"
"Good, I'll come over later to collect my cut"


----------



## EZO

_Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"_


----------



## funkychateau

qcgoods2006 said:


> Joke Feb. 14th
> 
> Rude Jokes
> 
> A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."



Several weeks later, in response to the re-posting of the bell-ringer's job, the pastor was astonished to see another armless man apply for the position. "No", he said, "I can't possibly hire you. You see, the last armless bell-ringer I hired was killed on the job, and I will never forgive myself". To this the applicant replied, "I know, he was my brother. Since his death, our family faces starvation unless I can find work". Pitying the man, the pastor reluctantly agrees to give him a tryout. They ascend to the tower, where the man takes a running start, runs headfirst into the bell, glances off, and plummets to the cobblestones below. By the time the pastor descends, a crowd has gathered. "Who was he?", someone asks. "I don't know", replied the pastor, "he never told me his name. But he's a dead ringer for his brother".


----------



## Monocrom

Boooooooooooooo

(LOL)


----------



## Empath

Once again, this reminder is offered. Another couple of jokes have been removed.

The last two deleted were a good example of the comment from the above linked post:



> Now the last few jokes have been removed, since they changed the direction of the the thread into something that won't last. It doesn't even take a step far across the line to redirect it. It only takes a small step on or over the line. Follow-up jokes go a bit farther.... then farther..... then farther. Eventually the joke thread follows those of the past that got closed.


----------



## RIX TUX

lasts jokes were good but where did they go?


----------



## Lite_me

funkychateau said:


> Several weeks later, in response to the re-posting of the bell-ringer's job, the pastor was astonished to see another armless man apply for the position. "No", he said, "I can't possibly hire you. You see, the last armless bell-ringer I hired was killed on the job, and I will never forgive myself". To this the applicant replied, "I know, he was my brother. Since his death, our family faces starvation unless I can find work". Pitying the man, the pastor reluctantly agrees to give him a tryout. They ascend to the tower, where the man takes a running start, runs headfirst into the bell, glances off, and plummets to the cobblestones below. By the time the pastor descends, a crowd has gathered. "Who was he?", someone asks. "I don't know", replied the pastor, "he never told me his name. But he's a dead ringer for his brother".


I used to tell that one a long time ago. It was worded very similarly but the punch line was.. when everyone ran up to see what happened and asked, "Who is he?" one of the bystanders replied, "I don't know but his face sure rings a bell".


----------



## Empath

A couple of guys are leaving the bar at closing time, when one says to the other, "Hey, you ought to see my new apartment."

A little later, making their way through the apartment they arrive at the bedroom. Dwarfing all else in the room is a large gong. "What in the world is that?" says the guest.

"That's my talking clock."

"Talking clock? How would that work?"

"Just watch." And the guy rears back and pounds the gong with tremendous effect.

Through the wall from the next apartment comes a plaintive voice: "Good gosh, man, it's 2:30 in the morning!"


----------



## Cataract

Empath said:


> A couple of guys are leaving the bar at closing time, when one says to the other, "Hey, you ought to see my new apartment."
> 
> A little later, making their way through the apartment they arrive at the bedroom. Dwarfing all else in the room is a large gong. "What in the world is that?" says the guest.
> 
> "That's my talking clock."
> 
> "Talking clock? How would that work?"
> 
> "Just watch." And the guy rears back and pounds the gong with tremendous effect.
> 
> Through the wall from the next apartment comes a plaintive voice: "Good gosh, man, it's 2:30 in the morning!"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. 
"Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" 
"That depends," replied the guide, 
"on how fast you carry the flashlight."


----------



## Cataract

A little extract from George Carlin (the CPF appropriate part I just stumbled onto and slightly resumed):

... and don’t forget to pick up your free gift; a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high quality premium select gourmet pocket flashlight. It’s our way to say thank you: keep your free gift. Actually it’s our way to say bend a little further and... ... ...well, this is a family forum, as George would say, so check the rest out for yourself on youtube, you lazy b**tard! (respectfully in George's very own typical words of course.)


----------



## StarHalo

Happy St Patrick's Day!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Rechargeable dog


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If the Silver Surfer teamed up with Iron Man, they'd be alloys.


----------



## Launch Mini

PhotonWrangler said:


> Ok, who were the CPFers in this story? :laughing:



That might have been me.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"


----------



## LanthanumK

I work at a golf course frequented by senior citizens. Inside one of the porta-potties, on the door, this was written in a Sharpie.

Caution: Room has 19% grade. Seniors won't be able to get off seat.

Unfortunately, I don't have the time to watch people's reactions.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A mathematician, a biologist, and a statistician are sitting on a hill watching people walk in and out of a building. They see four people walk in and six walk out.


The biologist says, "My God they're reproducing". 
The statistician says, "There have been an average of 5 people in that building over the time we have watched". 
The Mathematician says, "If two more people walk in there that building will be empty."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?" 
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" 
"Whoowee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?" 

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly. 
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" 
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" 
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster! 
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! 
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! 
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

:lolsign:

~ C.G.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A man drives into a gas station. The attendant goes to fill his tank and notices 5 penguins in the back seat. The attendant says, "Hey - why do you have 5 penguins in your car?" The driver says, "I KNOW! I was just stopped at a light back there and they climbed into my car and now I don't know what to do!"
The attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
The driver says, "That's a good idea - I'll do that!" 
A week later the driver pulls into the gas station and the attendant sees the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses. The attendant asks, "What are you doing?! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" 
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

.....Sorry! I'm having technical difficulties. 

~ Chance


----------



## Empath

Once again, this reminder is offered. Another couple of jokes have been removed.

The last three deleted were a good example of the comment from the above linked post:



> Now the last few jokes have been removed, since they changed the direction of the the thread into something that won't last. It doesn't even take a step far across the line to redirect it. It only takes a small step on or over the line. Follow-up jokes go a bit farther.... then farther..... then farther. Eventually the joke thread follows those of the past that got closed.


----------



## gadget_lover

There are three subjects that are sure to be deleted from this thread.

First is [ DELETED ]

Second is [ DELETED ]

And of course, 

You can never have a joke about [ DELETED ]




Many Thanks to Empath, who has spent a lot of time keeping this thread on track. 

Daniel


----------



## gadget_lover

Joe Bob and Bobby Joe are out hunting. It's a hot summer day. They are out in their turkey blind and a huge gobbler struts by. Joe Bob raises his shotgun to blast the bird and Bobby Joe says "Don't bother, you forgot to load your gun" Joe Bob Replies "I don't have time to load my gun, if I wait any longer the turkey will be gone".


Dan


----------



## gadget_lover

Do you know the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies. 


Daniel


----------



## gadget_lover

Billy Bob and Jimmy Ray are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Billy Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' 

Jimmy Ray sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over...women like that are hard to find.'


Daniel


----------



## TEEJ




----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. Never thought I'd actually see it.


----------



## guiri

If you don't get it, ask an AMERICAN adult 

Ok, someone explain to me (I'm a foreigner)...


----------



## StarHalo

guiri said:


> Ok, someone explain to me (I'm a foreigner)...



Abbott and Costello were a comedy duo here in the US, first rising to fame on radio and then moving to television as it became popular. Their most famous skit is "Who's On First", which is considered one of the all-time greatest comedy routines and is often imitated or parodied in modern comedy.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

guiri said:


> If you don't get it, ask an AMERICAN adult
> 
> Ok, someone explain to me (I'm a foreigner)...




Here you you go my man. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg

~ Chance


----------



## guiri

Got it! 

I knew who they were but never really watched them so it went over my head


----------



## Cataract

Hu would have thought the day would come!


----------



## inetdog

Cataract said:


> Hu would have thought the day would come!



What day?
No, Hu day!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Stubbornness defined


----------



## TEEJ

PhotonWrangler said:


> Stubbornness defined



When kids, I used to tease my little brother by singing that song that goes "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don't you, don't you...."

And he'd always get pissed and yell back "I do NOT!!!"


----------



## LGT

TEEJ said:


>


Great observation TEEJ, but from that pic, I really can't tell what's on second


----------



## Cataract

inetdog said:


> What day?
> No, Hu day!



Did you notice Hu is looking at Tamara? or is it Tuday... ah, I don't give a darn!


----------



## dc38

TEEJ said:


> When kids, I used to tease my little brother by singing that song that goes "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don't you, don't you...."
> 
> And he'd always get pissed and yell back "I do NOT!!!"



Define "kids"...a more recent song must've referenced an older one then, lol...


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

ELDERLY COUPLE TEXTING 


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

:laughing:~ Chance


----------



## dc38

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> ELDERLY COUPLE TEXTING
> 
> 
> An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
> One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
> "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
> The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
> 
> :laughing:~ Chance



"Management requests that you flush toilet until clean. We appreciate the presence of all our patrons, and would like to keep our toilets clean for other occupants. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!"


----------



## Kestrel

Heard a good joke from the window agent at the post office yesterday, when asking about shipping policies re: lithium batteries,



> "Most flashlights don't use lithium batteries"


:laughing:


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

dc38 said:


> "Management requests that you flush toilet until clean. We appreciate the presence of all our patrons, and would like to keep our toilets clean for other occupants. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!"



Someone didn't get that memo. http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Govern...ds-With-Employees-to-Stop-Pooping-in-Hallways


----------



## PhotonWrangler

For those who work in networking...

Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?

The second one.


----------



## LeafBlower

Where does the King keep his armies?




...
In his sleevies :naughty:


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Hi LeafBlower, :welcome:.


"Here's where I prove my job is better than yours."

- Comedian Ron White, pouring himself a glass of really expensive scotch, then taking a sip during his act.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What was Doctor Frankenstein's favorite sport?

Body building


----------



## Tmack

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 








A stick............


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

A milk dud.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

However, with the advent of the internet, and reading the comments on You Tube, we now know the infinite monkey theorem to be false.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What happens if you break Ohm's Law?

You get charged with battery and put in a dry cell


----------



## Burgess

that's Revolting !






_


----------



## Rossymeister

PhotonWrangler said:


> What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
> 
> A milk dud.



Thats the funniest thing I've heard all day.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A beautiful young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her chin and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


----------



## yoyoman

Why do blondes like lightening?

They think G-d is taking their picture..


How do you drown a blonde?

Throw a mirror in the pool.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

"I used to drive a VW Quantum but I had to get rid of it. I couldn't find any Quantum Mechanics."

- _Tom & Ray Magliozzi on NPR's Car Talk_


----------



## gadget_lover

Why do mosquitoes fear the police departments? 


Because the police have S.W.A.T. squads.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though, because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-***.

From _reddit_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

One of the funniest obits I've ever seen...


----------



## Peace Train

Why can't you play cards in the jungle?







a: Because there's too many cheetahs!


(as told by a student to her first grade teacher)


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A man sees a garage sale sign and stops by. He looks around, then walks up to the seller and remarks "Business must be good. There's only one left!"


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

^ PhotonWrangler, here comes the hook. 

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

:laughing:


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Need a good laugh? Check out nbp's post #1236 in the Interesting Video Finds thread. I laughed so hard I cried.

~ Chance


----------



## nbp

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Need a good laugh? Check out nbp's post #1236 in the Interesting Video Finds thread. I laughed so hard I cried.
> 
> ~ Chance




hehehe. I thought that chart was awesome too, and so true!

"This is your unicorn zone. If you find a unicorn, capture it, keep it alive, we want to study it. And possibly find a way to replicate it."


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

"There's no such thing." 

~ C.G.


----------



## Peace Train

Da missus bet me $100 I couldn't builda car outta spaghetti. You shoulda seen da look on her face when I drove pasta!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

nbp said:


> hehehe. I thought that chart was awesome too, and so true!
> 
> "This is your unicorn zone. If you find a unicorn, capture it, keep it alive, we want to study it. And possibly find a way to replicate it."



Hmm, a pudgy guy who's talking about who's a 10 and who's not. Scores about a 9 on the old bogosity meter.


----------



## nbp

PhotonWrangler said:


> Hmm, a pudgy guy who's talking about who's a 10 and who's not. Scores about a 9 on the old bogosity meter.



The science is sound, regardless of who is dispersing it.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Afuddyduddysayswhat? 

~ Chance


----------



## Peace Train

A boy asks his dad how people originally came into being, and his father says, "Adam and Eve made babies. Then their babies grew up and made more babies, and the process continued." 

So the boy goes to his mother next and asks her the same question. "We were monkeys, evolving over time to become the people we are now," she tells him. 

The boy runs back to his father screaming, "You lied to me!" 
His father assuredly replies, "Your mom's only talking about her side of the family."


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

A married couple is traveling down the interstate doing 55 mph. 
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him 
and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, 
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, 
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and 
he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches 
his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and 
now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving 
faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the 
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a 
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 
"I've got the airbag!"


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

An electrician, a carpenter, and a plumber see a beautiful girl coming their way during their lunch break. The electrician says to his coworkers, "She's hot." The carpenter says, "I bet I can nail her." The plumber replies, Yah right. Dude, you crack me up." A drywaller comes by after hearing their conversation and says, "Guys, let me give you some constructive criticism. That girl over there is my daughter. Don't screw around with her or you'll answer to me."


----------



## Norm

Husband and wife are out having some dinner when an attractive younger woman approaches the male and says, "I'll see you later"

Wife asks her husband, "Who in the hell was that?"

Husband replies, " Well, um that was my mistress."

Wife, "Mistress, mistress...you have to be kidding me?"

Husband , " No, I have known her for a few years now"

Wife, "Well that's it then, I'm divorcing you."

Husband, " Well, before you you down that path, consider this. If you divorce me that will be the end of the annual trips overseas to France, no more credit cards, and forget about driving a new sports car every year."

A few seconds later their friend Harry walks in with a young blonde big boobed bimbo attached to his arm.

Wife, " Who is that woman with Harry?"

Husband ," That's Harry's mistress."


Wife...."I see, ..................I think ours is nicer."


----------



## Norm

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

:laughing: "The gardener did." :laughing:

~ Chance, Not that Gardiner


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I'll see myself out.


----------



## nbp




----------



## Peace Train

A guy enters an online pun contest, sending in ten different entries hoping at least one would win. No pun in ten did.



PhotonWrangler said:


> I'll see myself out.



Right there with ya!


----------



## Burgess

Wait, wait . . . .


Gets even Better !



They had a baby girl . . . .




Named her Aerial 


_


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

^ :laughing:

Hopefully Aerial be good with math...............You know, digital?

~ Chance


----------



## kaichu dento

PhotonWrangler said:


> Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.





Burgess said:


> Wait, wait . . . .
> 
> They had a baby girl . . . .
> 
> Named her Aerial


Like it!


----------



## TEEJ

PhotonWrangler said:


> Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
> 
> I'll see myself out.













Burgess said:


> Wait, wait . . . .
> 
> 
> Gets even Better !
> 
> 
> 
> They had a baby girl . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Named her Aerial
> 
> 
> _





I heard it was going well until they all got shingles, and ended up in the gutter....


----------



## PhotonWrangler

TEEJ said:


> I heard it was going well until they all got shingles, and ended up in the gutter....



...and then down the downspout, leaving the signals in the mud.


----------



## Peace Train

Umm...these jokes. Made me try to pack myself in a small suitcase. I could hardly contain myself.


----------



## Burgess

Note to Photon Wrangler --


I posted your joke on my Facebook page,
and (in only 24 hours), it's gotten more than 60 Likes !

And a couple SHARES, also !


Many happy comments posted, too.


Just wanted you to know this . . . .


:thumbsup:
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Wow. Thanks Burgess! I can't claim credit for the original one though - it came from the intertubes. 

I just realized that sounds like the title of a cheesy sci-fi horror movie.


----------



## Norm

PhotonWrangler said:


> Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


They weren't phased at the array of attendees at the reception.

Norm


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol! You guys are too much! :laughing:


----------



## Burgess

She was quite a Dish !


----------



## TEEJ

I read that most car accidents happen within 10 miles of home. So I moved....


----------



## Peace Train

Three guys are stranded on a desert island. After foraging for food and building shelter, they come across a genie in a bottle. Granting each of them each one wish, the first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy takes a look about then says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If you walk into a room and you feel chilly, walk over to a corner. They're usually 90 degrees.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A man is visiting a Texas county fair. It's 100 degrees outside. He says to a Texan, "I feel chilly." The Texan replies, "Get your hand out of the pot!"


----------



## Burgess

Albert Einstein developed a theory about space,
and it was about time too.


----------



## Burgess

I'm giving out dead batteries.

No charge.


----------



## wedlpine

I had to get rid of my vacuum.

It was collecting dust.


----------



## Burgess

I once heard a joke about amnesia, 

but I forgot how it goes.


----------



## Burgess

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.


----------



## Burgess

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, 

but what would be the point ?


----------



## Burgess

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


----------



## Burgess

I tried to look up impotence on the Internet,

but nothing came up.


----------



## Burgess

Not sure if I'm permitted to Post this link:


https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10202538443596497&set=vb.1058028557&type=2&theater


to Admins -- if this is not acceptable, just remove it . . . .


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Burgess said:


> If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.



Lol! I'm gonna remember that one.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

An old man is concerned that his wife is starting to go deaf.

The old man goes to the doctor and says, "My wife can't hear very well anymore and I am getting worried. What should I do to help her?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, walk 5 ft closer and ask again. Repeat this until she can hear you and then let me know how far away you were standing."

The man is so concerned for his wife that he agrees to do what the doctor suggested. When he gets home, he sees his wife cooking in the kitchen. He stands 25 feet from his wife and says, "What's for dinner?"
The wife does not answer and he walks closer, "What's for dinner?"
The man does this 2 more times until he is standing only 5 feet from his wife. The man is now very worried and tries one last time, "What's for dinner?"
The wife looks over and yells at him, "I HAVE TOLD YOU 4 TIMES ALREADY, WE ARE HAVING LASAGNA!"


----------



## Frijid

PhotonWrangler said:


> Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
> 
> I'll see myself out.



They later had a kid, which they named "YAGI" who turned out to be a troublemaker,and keeps getting GROUNDED.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Frijid said:


> They later had a kid, which they named "YAGI" who turned out to be a troublemaker,and keeps getting GROUNDED.



And he was charged with battery and thrown in a dry cell.


----------



## Frijid

A couple jokes I thought were funny, that I heard on a video game I like

"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events!"

"A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink?" he asks. In which the bartender replies "For you, no charge!"

"It's common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives!" 

"Photon's have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic!"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Good ones! I enjoy geeky humor. :laughing:


----------



## guiri

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> :laughing: "The gardener did." :laughing:
> 
> ~ Chance, Not that Gardiner



...and you thought it was about you bro


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A man breaks into a house while the owner's are away. He is greeted by a chihuahua named Lucky who proceeds to get very friendly with one of his legs. While he is trying to shake off the dog, he hears a high pitched voice saying, "Leave the dog alone." He turns to see that it's just a parrot. 
He yells at the parrot saying, "Who the hell are you." 
The parrot replies, "I'm Dirty Harry. Do you feel Lucky punk." 
The man laughs and kicks the dog across the room and into a wall. The parrot responds, "You shouldn't have done that." 
The man yells back, "Why not."
"Karma", the parrot yells back.
The man responds, "I don't care about Karma."
The parrot says, "Here she comes."
It was then that the burglar was attacked by Lucky's friend Karma, an angry Doberman Pincher.
The man woke up days later in a hospital in a full body cast surrounded by police. He learned his lesson: If you break into someone's house, you might get Lucky, but Karma's a bi.... (I mean female dog).


----------



## Burgess

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna' pay ! 



You have my word !


----------



## Burgess

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. 



If anything, it made him more sluggish . . . .


----------



## Burgess

Parallel lines have so much in common. 



It's such a shame that they'll never meet.


----------



## kaichu dento

Burgess said:


> Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna' pay !
> 
> You have my word !





Burgess said:


> I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
> 
> If anything, it made him more sluggish . . . .





Burgess said:


> Parallel lines have so much in common.
> 
> It's such a shame that they'll never meet.


LOLZ!


----------



## gadget_lover

Today I saw a roadside billboard that made me look twice. All it said was "vasectomy.com" and under that "It's easier than you think." My first thought was that it must be easier if you can do it online now. I might check out their website on my smartphone, but no way am I going to go there using my laptop.


----------



## Burgess

*News Bulletin --*


Scientists have turned the Large Hadron Collider 
into the world's fastest baseball pitching machine !


Video to follow . . . . .


----------



## skillet

What does one call a deer with no eyes?










I have no ideer.....

As told by the 8 year old at church the other evening and then he proceeds to explain it to me


----------



## PhotonWrangler

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo
since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far,
and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear
a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and
pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are
coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So,
to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling
above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and
terror. 

Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming
"HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut up
right now or you're going to get us both fired."


----------



## Peace Train




----------



## Peace Train

Mess up a pupil surgery and no one bats an eye. Mess up a brain surgery and someone's losing their mind!


----------



## Peace Train

At a job interview: 
I: "What's your greatest weakness?" 
A: "Honesty." 
I: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." 
A: "I don't give a #@%! what you think"


----------



## Burgess

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, 

but I got canned . . . .



I just couldn't concentrate.


----------



## StarHalo

Burgess said:


> My first job was working in an orange juice factory



My first job was at a coffee shop on the moon, but the place had no atmosphere at all..


----------



## Burgess

My father worked for the Highway Department.


I heard rumors that he was Stealing on the Job !

So I drove to his house, to speak with him.


I didn't *want* to Believe it ! ! !


I* refused* to Believe it ! ! !





But the signs were all there . . . .


_


----------



## StarHalo

Police are looking into a thief who steals toilets from local businesses, but for now they have nothing to go on..


----------



## P_A_S_1

A few years ago i was driving through the country when I hit a pig that was on the road. It ran off into a field, did minor damage, and I eventually drove off being that there was absolutely nobody around. A week later I get a call from the State Police in regards and was told they're investigating me for leaving the scene of an accident. After explaining my side I asked how they found me being there was nobody or nothing around the area, the investigator told me the pig squealed...

Around the same time there were some horrible murders taking place where the police would find the victims in their own bath tubs covered in milk and Corn Flakes. They resisted admitting it but it was the work of a cereal killer.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.


----------



## Peace Train

PhotonWrangler said:


> Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.



Blow the roof off and make it a convertible!


----------



## Peace Train

Q: What did Sally get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?

A: Minstrel cramps.


Edit: Please note: Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.


----------



## Lite_me

Two ostriches were chasing each other around. 
The one ostrich ran around behind a large bush and buried its head in the sand. 
The second one being close behind ran around the bush, stopped, and said...
"Where did he go?"


----------



## Peace Train

Ancient humans who ventured across the ice bridge to North America got lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait.


----------



## Peace Train

I wanted to think up some more jokes, or come up with puns about famous German philosophers, but just Kant.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A Buddist, a Rabbi, and a dislexic agnostic are ordering lunch from a hot dog vendor.
The Buddist says, "Make me one with everything."
The Rabbi says, "One kosher weiner, no skin."
The dislexic agnostic says, "I'll have one god toh."


----------



## smokinbasser

Why are pig pens built on the sides of hills?? For pigs to live in.


----------



## Peace Train

Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?

No, really?

Oh yeah, it was his pride that did him in.


----------



## P_A_S_1

Two friends in a bar are talking fishing stories when one gets fed up with the others obvious exaggerations. He ties his friends arms together at the wrists with some rope and says, "ok, now how big was the fish". His friend then makes fists with both hands, holds them up, and says "the fish had eyes this big".


----------



## P_A_S_1

European Heaven vs European Hell;

In European Heaven all the chefs are French, the mechanics German, the tailors Italian, the police English, and all is organized by the Swiss.

In European Hell all the chefs are English, the mechanics French, the tailors are Swiss, the police German, and all is organized by the Italians.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

My 1/2 Italian brother-in-law told me, "We Italians don't fight wars, we cater them."

~ Chance


----------



## P_A_S_1

A Polar Bear walks into a bar and orders a "rum ........ and coke". The bartender asks "what's with the big pause"? The Polar bear holds up his front paws and says "I was born with them".


----------



## P_A_S_1

Why did the Mexican husband throw his wife out the window?

TA...QUILL....A !! (to kill her/ tequila)


----------



## P_A_S_1

Two friends are golfing, one is pretty bad and always has been. The bad player finally reaches his breaking point after a really bad game and throws all his equipment into a lake next to the course. He then tells his friend that he is going to jump in too and drown himself. His friend tell him "nope, you won't drown, you never learned to keep your head down".


----------



## Peace Train

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? 

He's all right now.


----------



## Peace Train

http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2013/3/29/17/enhanced-buzz-17147-1364591862-5.jpg

*Image tags removed from hot linked image Norm*


----------



## skillet

If H2O is inside a hydrant, what is on the outside?




K9P


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If a soldier survives mustard gas and pepper spray, he is a seasoned veteran.


----------



## Burgess

I finally realized I'm dyslexic --




I went to a toga party, dressed as a goat.


----------



## P_A_S_1

Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet under instead of 6? Because deep down they're good people. 

Why do graveyards have high fences? Because people are just dying to get in.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

There once was a woman named Bright
Who traveled faster than light
She went out one day in a relative way
and came home the previous night


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Why did the research scientists start using lawyers in place of rats?

They were becoming emotionally attached to the rats.

~ C.G.


----------



## P_A_S_1

Don't recall were I heard this but,


A police officer is being questioned in court by the defense when the process of discrediting the officer starts;

Attorney: Do you trust your fellow officers and find them to have credibility and integrity?
Officer: Yes I do.
Attorney: Then why do you lock and secure your gun and gear when in the police station house.
Officer: Well for one, we often have defense attorneys that come to the station house.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

During a court case, an old lady was put on the stand and sworn in.
The prosecuting attorney asks the old lady, "Ma'am, do you know the defense attorney?"
She responds, "Well yes I do. I've known him since he was a little boy. He was a mean kid who only cared about himself. When he grew up, he cheated on his wife several times. He has several unpaid parking and speeding tickets, and he parked in the handicap spot outside this courthouse."
Upon crossexamination, the defense attorney asks, "Ma'am, do you know the prosecuting attorney?"
She replies, "Yes, of course. I've known him for years. He cheats on his taxes every year. He goes to strip clubs weekly, and he drinks and smokes too much. According to his wife, he's terrible in bed, which explains why she's pregnant with another man's child.
After crossexamination, the judge called both the attorneys up to talk privately and said, "If either of you two idiots ask her if she knows me, you're both going to jail."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A cat walks into a bar...


----------



## P_A_S_1

What variety of potato is a prostitute.....the I Da Ho potato.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender sets him up, thinking friends are coming. The guy stays alone, sips from each glass in turn, and eventually orders a second round. The bartender can't resist asking: "Most people, they want three beers, they order one, drink it, order another, and so on." 

"Oh," says the guy. "I really miss my two brothers, and this way, I feel like I'm having a drink with them."

Some months pass with the same routine, until the guy comes in one evening and orders just two beers. The bartender says, "Gee, did something happen to one of your brothers?" 
"No, they're fine. But I quit drinking."

--------------------------------------

Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first whale what he would like to drink, and he responds, "wwwWWWWHAAAAAAOOOOOUUUUAAAHH"... then the second whale responds, "Shut up, Frank. You're drunk."


----------



## Peace Train

Hahahaa no one likes a whale who can't hold his alcohol!!!


----------



## Lucciola

Yeah, just imagine going to a bar just wanting to have a good time and then the place is full of blubber... :shakehead


----------



## Cataract

I was having quite a few drinks in a pub somewhere in the UK and noticed 2 rather large ladies in skirts sitting at the bar chatting with a rather strong accent. I walked over and asked:
"So are you two Scots from around here?", to which they responded "It's Wales, you idiot", so I reformulated my question:
"Are you two whales from around here?"

I don't remember anything other than waking up in a hospital room.


----------



## Peace Train

Doesn't sound like the whales were too happy. Maybe they were blue.


----------



## Norm

Face To Face With A Lion

"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun." 

"What did you do?" 

"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast." 

"How did you get away?" 

"I just left him and passed on to another cage."


----------



## Monocrom

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Lawyer walk into a Bar.

They order a round of drinks.

Half an hour goes by, and nothing happens.

An hour goes by, and nothing happens.

Two hours go by, and nothing happens.

Finally, the bartender walks over and says, _"You guys have been here for three hours, and nothing funny, unusual, or odd has happened."_

The Lawyer replies: _"It's our day off." _


----------



## koti

Two guys argue whos wife is fatter. One guy says: Man shes so fat I had to widen the door ways in the house cause she couldnt fit. The other guy says: Thats nothing...Im sitting at the beach with my wife one day, I went away for a while to grab some drinks and when I came back I saw the green peace guys pull her into the water.


Sent from my iPhone using Candlepowerforums


----------



## Burgess

I had a job, crushing Pop Cans.




It was Soda Pressing . . . .




_


----------



## CMAG

Two cannibal's cooking dinner, one said to his friend "Why do you look so sad?" his friend said "You know, I just can't stand my mother in law" the other cannibal said "well then, just stick to the veggies then"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

You can tune a banjo but you can't tuna fish.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A blonde man seen smoking a cigarette was arrested for assaulting a Catholic nun. When asked why he did it, he said, "I was just trying to kick the habit."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Q: How much does an introvert weigh?

A: Not enough to break the ice.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What is the circumference of a jack-o-lantern divided by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

A mathematician walked into a bar and ordered root beer in a square glass.

Both of these were from this week's _A Prairie Home Companion_


----------



## Empath

Reminder ..... Please Read]

A significant number of posts have been removed that ignored the concepts of the above reminder.


----------



## Empath

Reminder ..... Please Read]

A significant number of posts have been removed that ignored the concepts of the above reminder.


----------



## Cataract

3 old ladies are boasting about their sons.

The first one says:
"My son has a Ph.D in medicine, owns a clinic, measures 5'10", weighs a lean 140 pounds is handsome with short hair, dresses in pants and polo shirts and his colleagues call him doctor"

The second lady ups the ante:
"My son went to Harvard, is now a federal court judge, measures 6', weighs 230 pounds of muscle, always has a fresh haircut, dresses in a suit every day and looks like one of those men on magazine front pages and whenever he enters a court room people address to him as 'his honor'."

The third lady follows up:
"My son is a high school drop-out, works at a restaurant, measures 5'1", weighs 240 pounds, wears coke bottle glasses, always has greasy long hair that stick to his cheeks, his face is full of huge pimples, dresses in jogging pants and old stained t-shirts and wherever he goes people immediately say 'oh, my god!' "


----------



## Cataract

*The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought*
*she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss*
*the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform*
*to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,*
*and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.*
*If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a**r**esponse.' 


That evening, Bert's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.*
*He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'*
*Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 


No response. 


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife *
*and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 


Still no response. 


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife*
*and  asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

Again he gets no response. 


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.*
*'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' ****


'For the life of God, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'*


----------



## Burgess

I saw a woman walking towards a door,
so ( just to be nice ) I opened it for her.

But did she THANK me ?


NOOOOO !



Instead, she started * SCREAMING * ! ! !





And so did everyone Else on the plane !

:shrug:
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why can't atoms be trusted?

Because they make up everything.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.


----------



## Cataract

A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!" 

One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful...... 

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! 

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!! 

…don't tell me you thought that Hameed actually became a doctor!?!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A man walks into a job interview - 
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale". 
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."


----------



## Lite_me

Bert, 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
 







Bert replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Bert replied, "That would be my wife."


----------



## Burgess

Some jumper cables walk into a bar.


Bartender says:



I'll serve you guys,

but don't start anything . . . .


----------



## Burgess

René  Descartes walks into a bar. 

Bartender asks him if he wants anything. 

René  replies: 

"I think not," and promptly vanishes.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Burgess said:


> Some jumper cables walk into a bar.
> 
> 
> Bartender says:
> 
> 
> 
> I'll serve you guys,
> 
> but don't start anything . . . .



Well, they had jumped someone a few days earlier. Gave him quite a shock.....really amped him up.

OK, I'll quit now.

~ Chance


----------



## Burgess

Indeed !


Heard they now face a BATTERY CHARGE !


lovecpf
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Burgess said:


> Indeed !
> 
> 
> Heard they now face a BATTERY CHARGE !
> 
> 
> lovecpf
> _



And they'll be thrown in a dry cell.

I know, that was reVOLTing.


----------



## Burgess

First Joke for 2015 --


*A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning 
for a particularly slow group of golfers. 
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? 
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" 
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." 

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? 
They're rather slow, aren't they?" 

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. 
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, 
so we always let them play for free anytime." 

The group fell silent for a moment. 

The priest said, "That's so sad. 
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."


The doctor said, "Good idea. 
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague, 
and see if there's anything he can do for them." 


The engineer said, " Gee -- Why can't they play at Night ? ? ? "


_*


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Ha! That was a good one. As usual, the engineers have the practical answers.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

I wish I had a dollar for every lottery ticket I've bought.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor really showing off – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." 

Her husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"


----------



## PhotonWrangler

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.


----------



## funzel

todays comic:

http://www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2015/03/11


----------



## Cataract

funzel said:


> todays comic:
> 
> http://www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2015/03/11



Good catch!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Man writes to Dear Abby with a crucial decision


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

^

I don't know why that's so funny, but it is. :laughing:

~ Chance


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Every day I go to work. Every day I'm fired. Why?

Hint: Same employer and I do a bang-up job.

~ Chance


----------



## gadget_lover

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Every day I go to work. Every day I'm fired. Why?
> 
> Hint: Same employer and I do a bang-up job.
> 
> ~ Chance



Your job must be a real circus. 

Dan


----------



## kaichu dento

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Every day I go to work. Every day I'm fired. Why?
> 
> Hint: Same employer and I do a bang-up job.
> 
> ~ Chance


You're a soldiers rifle.


----------



## dc38

kaichu dento said:


> You're a soldiers rifle.



Or a blacksmith?


----------



## dc38

PhotonWrangler said:


> And they'll be thrown in a dry cell.
> 
> I know, that was reVOLTing.



Oh, you know they're just going through the circuit from terminal to terminal...career convicts with no ohm to go to...because they always resist arrest.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

gadget_lover said:


> Your job must be a real circus.
> 
> Dan



Welcome to the Big Top, Dan.

Yes, I'm a human cannon ball.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

dc38 said:


> Oh, you know they're just going through the circuit from terminal to terminal...career convicts with no ohm to go to...because they always resist arrest.



One of those criminals was a joule thief. He broke out of his leaky cell and took off on his megacycle to hook up with his girlfriend, Millie Watt.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

You can retire to Lake Havasu City, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt cheats from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

Or Phonex where...

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...


1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...


1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ...
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...


1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...


1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


----------



## Monocrom

Couple you missed about NY....

You can ride the subway where no one knows how to use their inner voice. And have no clue how to use a set of headphones or ear buds. So you WILL listen in on random and worthless conversations despite not wanting to.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Monocrom said:


> Couple you missed about NY....
> 
> You can ride the subway where no one knows how to use their inner voice. And have no clue how to use a set of headphones or ear buds. So you WILL listen in on random and worthless conversations despite not wanting to.



That's not funny. 

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


----------



## Burgess

Statistically . . . .


6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy


----------



## Monocrom

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> That's not funny.
> 
> ~ Chance



But honest.


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> Statistically . . . .
> 
> 
> 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy



Boo... Boo... Boo...

(Apparently now this topic is haunted.)


----------



## Burgess

However . . . . 


It * IS * theoretically possible 

that ALL 7 of the dwarfs are Sleepy !


----------



## Burgess

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, 
so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 Bucks ! ! !
:sick2:


Baloney, I thought !



I can get one cheaper off the web.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than a surprise party


----------



## Burgess

I'm planning to live * FOREVER * !


So far, so good . . . .


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> I'm planning to live * FOREVER * !
> 
> 
> So far, so good . . . .



I'm looking forward to death.... I feel I've been punished enough with this "LIFE" sentence.


----------



## gadget_lover

Continuing the death theme...

Recent reports say that marriage is a losing proposition. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The other 50% end in death.


----------



## Monocrom

gadget_lover said:


> Continuing the death theme...
> 
> Recent reports say that marriage is a losing proposition. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The other 50% end in death.



That's what happens when it's cheaper to kill your spouse rather than give them half when they want a divorce.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Monocrom said:


> That's what happens when it's cheaper to kill your spouse rather than give them half when they want a divorce.


 
Half? Is that before or after the lawyer takes his cut? 

Btw, The 50% figure for the divorce rate is a falsehood.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

This thread has taken a really dark turn. Can we get back on topic?


----------



## gadget_lover

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."


----------



## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> This thread has taken a really dark turn. Can we get back on topic?



A security guard, a retired NYPD detective, and a college president walk into a bar. A drunk starts yelling at them. The security guard throws him out. The other two do nothing. Why? Because those two make too much money to afford to get sued and are paranoid about liability. The security guard only makes $9.50 an hour and doesn't give a crap.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How do you get an english major off your doorstep?

You pay for the pizza


----------



## Burgess

My girlfriend thinks I'm a STALKER !



Well --

She's not REALLY my girlfriend . . . .



Not YET . . . .


----------



## hammerjoe

Why dont the ants go to church?
Because they are in*sects*...


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Please join us in remembering another great icon of the entertainment industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to his belly.

Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Jane Dough, his three children Play Dough, John Dough and Dill Dough. In addition they had one in the oven.

Services will be held at 330 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## Cataract

PhotonWrangler said:


> Please join us in remembering another great icon of the entertainment industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to his belly.
> 
> Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Jane Dough, his three children Play Dough, John Dough and Dill Dough. In addition they had one in the oven.
> 
> Services will be held at 330 for about 20 minutes.



Will he be incinerated?


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Cataract said:


> Will he be incinerated?



No. .......... Glazed. 

~ Chance


----------



## nbp

*Cream*ated.


----------



## gadget_lover

And... the circle of life brings us back to the death jokes. Oh well.

How about....

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from  the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,”  says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

There are too many cheetahs


----------



## Cataract

nbp said:


> *Cream*ated.



Thank you for correcting me


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Oxygen and Potassium went out on a date. It was OK.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, or two? Three, or four?


----------



## Cataract

PhotonWrangler said:


> How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
> One, or two? Three, or four?



NONE! They can't see in the dark...


----------



## Lite_me

Cataract said:


> NONE! They can't see in the dark...


 ..in the dark!? I thought _everyone_ carried a flashlight!?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Eight sodium atoms walked into a bar, followed by... Batman. (Think about the periodic table symbol for Sodium).


----------



## KITROBASKIN

PhotonWrangler said:


> Eight sodium atoms walked into a bar, followed by... Batman. (Think about the periodic table symbol for Sodium).



I believe you would have to be old enough to remember the theme song from the old TV series, in order to get this joke.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

KITROBASKIN said:


> I believe you would have to be old enough to remember the theme song from the old TV series, in order to get this joke.



Probably. This is where Youtube is your friend.


----------



## P_A_S_1

deleted


----------



## Crazyeddiethefirst

How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?



Only one, but it takes ten visits....


----------



## 7eleven

Two women sat together, quietly.


----------



## P_A_S_1

gadget_lover said:


> And... the circle of life brings us back to the death jokes. Oh well.
> 
> How about....
> 
> A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”
> 
> “You jerk!” yells a voice from  the back of the courtroom.
> 
> “You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,”  says the judge.
> 
> “Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.
> 
> “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
> 
> “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”



LOL. I shared this one and it got a good laugh.


----------



## guiri

gadget_lover said:


> I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. 

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." 


The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." 

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."


----------



## Cataract

A guy is getting completely hammered in a bar to the point where he falls off his stool. The barman asks 2 of his friends to take the man home. They first sit him up and ask him where he lives and finally decipher his address, which is right down the street, after long painful minutes. When they try to pick him up, but his legs are so weak he keeps sliding down to the floor. 

They finally lift him up by holding his arms around their necks and walk him home, feet dragging. They walk very slowly, taking several breaks along the way and even spending a good 10 minutes on a bus bench to catch their breath. When they arrive to the address door he gave them and ring the bell, a woman answers the door and asks what happened to her husband. The 2 men explain her husband got too drunk to come back home on his own, so they carried him over, to which she asks "but where's his wheelchair?"


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. 

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. 


She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol! Good one.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Actual headline:

Big rig carrying fruit crashes on 210 freeway, creates jam


----------



## Cataract

Now, that's a sticky situation!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I guess he should've _jammed_ on the brakes, then he wouldn't have created such a spread


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Actually, the driver jammed on his brakes in an attempt to preserve his fruit, but instead his action ended up preserving his fruit.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I'm guessing he was headed for Jellystone, but that crash was certainly no pic-a-nic.


----------



## Cataract

THE MONKS
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk.."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.Â And so itÂ went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight .... 

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

^ :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: FISHHOOK! ......... :laughing: I didn't have a clue .

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.


----------



## Cataract

_As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country._

_As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions._

_I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late._

_I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play._

_The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man._

_And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full._

_As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say: __"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years__." _


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


----------



## P_A_S_1

(Can't recall if I read/heard this joke here or on TV, too lazy to skim the thread).

Why did the blond take a sheet of sandpaper into the desert? She thought it was a map.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Did you hear about the guy who went to court over a stolen bag?

It was a brief case


----------



## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.



(Okay, that's a good one.)

And old one from Benny Hill.... A sign painter finishes up the new sign for a doctor's office. Next day, angry doctor calls up the sign shop to complain. Manager points out that the painter pained the sign exactly as specified, with all the letters for "Therapist."

The doctor, mad as Hell, points out that the idiot painter left a space between the "e" and the "r." oo:


----------



## Cataract

Not sure if the following is true: 



When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected.... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat." 

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question:

"Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."
Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."
Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. 
Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
Wit always wins over anger


----------



## Crazyeddiethefirst

God made man frail as a bubble,
God made love, love made trouble.
God made the vine, so is it a sin,
That man made wine, to drown trouble in...?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning, looked out the window and announced "It's raining." 
His wife said, "No dear, it's sleeting." 
He replied, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


----------



## Launch Mini

PhotonWrangler said:


> You don't need a parachute to skydive.
> 
> You need a parachute to skydive twice.



Yes, but skydiving without a parachute is a once in a lifetime experience.


----------



## kaichu dento

Launch Mini said:


> Yes, but skydiving without a parachute is a once in a lifetime experience.


Are you suggesting everyone should try it at least once?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


----------



## Cataract

kaichu dento said:


> Are you suggesting everyone should try it at least once?



It's called a wingsuit... sure would like to try it once or twice...


----------



## PhotonWrangler

An engineer dies and is sent to hell...

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear,
so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy
and enjoying umbrella drinks. 

He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


----------



## Cataract

Engineers getting into heaven, good one!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door. 

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.” The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


----------



## Monocrom

Nicely done. But that's a variation on a much more controversial joke.


----------



## Burgess

Someone took my Mood Ring !



Not sure how I feel about that . . . .



:sigh:
_


----------



## WarRaven

Burgess said:


> Someone took my Mood Ring !
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure how I feel about that . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> :sigh:
> _


+1

Magic eight ball says... Reply hazy, try again.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Burgess said:


> Someone took my Mood Ring !
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure how I feel about that . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> :sigh:
> _



Lol! :laughing:


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> Someone took my Mood Ring !
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure how I feel about that . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> :sigh:
> _



You're a man. You have three emotions, Anger, asleep, and drunk. Grab a beer if you want to be awake and calm.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

PhotonWrangler said:


> Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
> Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec



^ That's why there are so few standup mathematicians.

~ Chance


----------



## Burgess

How can you tell the difference 

between a Chemist and a Plumber ?





Ask them to pronounce the word:

Unionized


----------



## Lite_me

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tired.

(works better when said)


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Electricians are well grounded


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A new pet store opened in the neighborhood, specializing in birds.

Business is great. They're flying off the shelves!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A farmer went out into his field to get a head count on his cattle and counted 196, but later that night when he rounded them up there were 200.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

PhotonWrangler said:


> A farmer went out into his field to get a head count on his cattle and counted 196, but later that night when he rounded them up there were 200.





PhotonWrangler said:


> No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.




Funny! Thanks PhotonWrangler. :laughing:

~ C.G.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... 
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck. 
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A man from Detroit almost became a candidate for the Darwin Awards. This man saw a spider on the gas tank of his car while he was pumping gas and decided it was a good idea to kill it by burning it with a lighter. That's when things got interesting. Here's the news story and video about the event.www.fox2detroit.com/news/local-news/24780872-story Luckily, nobody got hurt.The man survived but with limited damage to his car. The gas pump was toast. No word on whether the spider survived. The man actually showed up at the same gas station the next day to fill up his car.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Scientists have discovered water on Mars.


----------



## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> Scientists have discovered water on Mars.



:ironic:....................lovecpf


----------



## Charlie Fox




----------



## Megatrowned

Progression on of thoughts...

 --> :thinking: --> :laughing: --> 

I totaly got it the whole time


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A man went fishing on a pier and had a big bucket full of fish he caught. The game warden comes up to him and asks to see his fishing liscense for the fish in the bucket. He told the game warden, "I didn't catch these fish. These are my pet fish. I take them out here and dump them into the water so they can swim around. After they get some exercise, I lower the bucket into the water, whistle, and they hop right back into the bucket. Then I take them back home."
The game warden says, "Prove it. dump them into the water." The man dumps them in. After about 15 minutes, the game warden gets impatient and says, "Ok call the fish back."
The man says, "What fish?"


----------



## bestellen

I think there was a GD joke thread a while back. Anyways:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


----------



## Flashy808

AHAHA Lol (laughing historically). Ah these are way better than what you can find on those lousy sites .

Just some flimsy jokes:

What do you call a friendly school? Hi School ! 

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? 
She couldn't control her pupils! 

Teachers always tell us to follow our dreams....BUT yet they don't let us sleep in class. 

Why did the teacher marry the janitor? 
Because he swept her off her feet! 

What is the Great Depression? 
when you get a bad grade in history.

Teacher: Why were you late? Student: Sorry, teacher, I overslept. 
Teacher: You mean you need to sleep at home too!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’


----------



## bestellen

Mom, Mom, didn,t you said that if I get high grades from all of my subjects you promised that you'll give me 10 dollars for each subject I pass?

Why of course! son. So how did it go? did you pass in all of your subjects?

Well Mom, this is your lucky day! you can save lots of cash now! I failed them all!


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Here are some real news stories I thought I'd never see:
A Charlie Brown Christmas in Prison: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainmen...-in-prison-for-making-criminal/?intcmp=hplnws 

Captain James Kirk takes ship out for maiden voyage: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2015/12/08/largest-destroyer-built-for-navy-heads-out-to-sea/?intcmp=hpbt3


----------



## Empath

Reminder ..... Please Read]

A significant number of posts have been removed that ignored the concepts of the above reminder.


----------



## Peace Train

"Now the last few jokes have been removed, since they changed the direction of the the thread into something that won't last. It doesn't even take a step far across the line to redirect it. It only takes a small step on or over the line. Follow-up jokes go a bit farther.... then farther..... then farther. Eventually the joke thread follows those of the past that got closed." 

I quoted the gist of what you said in your referenced post, Empath, but it doesn't spell out what is and what isn't acceptable. Since my last joke was removed, I'm not sure what "direction" is deemed appropriate. Is it religion that you object to, the mention of Christmas, or the concept of judgment in general? Thanks in advance for this clarification.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Howdy, Peace Train, :wave:

Long time no read. How have you been? 

To answer your question, I'm going to write Empath's reason for removing your joke was ....... none of the above. Which I'm sure you already know. :laughing: How's Carol doing, by the way? 

~ Chance


----------



## Peace Train

Hey Chauncey, I'm doing well hope you're the same! Actually, now it makes sense. Since I don't have a copy of that joke anywhere on my computer, I had to recall it from memory. So you're saying that the mention of undergarments are not allowed on the forum? Or is it simply the word panties?

edit: And would simply changing that word to sunglasses make the joke appropriate? Not trying to stir things up. I just want to clarify the vagueness of Empath's statement and spell things out so no further rules are broken.


----------



## Empath

Peace Train said:


> .............would simply changing that word to sunglasses make the joke appropriate? Not trying to stir things up. I just want to clarify the vagueness of Empath's statement and spell things out so no further rules are broken.



Using the word sunglasses would not have been counted as inappropriate, but, it wouldn't have been funny either. The essence of the humor in the punch line depended on the association the reader reads into something other than "sunglasses".



> "It only takes a small step on or over the line. Follow-up jokes go a bit farther.... then farther..... then farther. Eventually the joke thread follows those of the past that got closed."



Your post wasn't "over the line". It was though, on the line enough to see the change in direction. It was enough, apparently, to tempt the next poster to post more definitely over the line. The post after yours was also removed.

There is no rule involved, nor is a rule necessary. You're intelligent enough to tell when a joke turns a different direction than the "grammar school" level of jokes in this thread. Rather than a rule, a condition has been established for this thread to keep it from suffering the death experienced by other joke threads that have been attempted. You're welcome to initiate your own joke thread, but, if past performance is any indication, it wouldn't likely survive the family friendliness required here.

This thread has been alive for seven years, and has seven-hundred posts. It apparently has been a popular thread. Limiting the direction it goes will insure it continuing another seven years and growing even larger.


----------



## Charlie Fox




----------



## Steve-at-Springboard

OK, a guy walks into a bar with a cylinder of asphalt under his arm. Walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have two beers, please. One for me and ... one for the road".

Sorry!


----------



## xzel87

Technology says to Evolution: "Technology has made almost everything Idiotproof!"

Evolution replies with a shrug: "Evolution will just make a better Idiot."


----------



## Monocrom

LOL....Never underestimate the sheer limitless power of human stupidity.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

This is a visual joke based on a true story. Click here and scroll through he pictures of a dog being rescued from a river.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

From Reddit - 

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar company? He took a day off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde gets tired of blonde jokes, so she dyes her hair. 

She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blonde guesses "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. 

The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


----------



## Burgess

Just saw this one,
but in a slightly different context --


*My greatest fear is when I die,

my wife will sell all my Flashlights

for what I told her they cost !


*
_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. 

O wait... :laughing:


----------



## RBR

.....


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices to access data. The other is a hardware standard.

:tinfoil:


----------



## Lucciola

Why did they stop teaching algebra in ancient Rome? Boring. X is always 10 anyway...


----------



## bestellen

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. 

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. 

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'' 

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. 

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.


----------



## Burgess

I had an accident this afternoon.

Spilled a can of Alphabet Soup.


No big deal, I guess . . . .


But it could've spelled Disaster !


----------



## bykfixer

How many gov't employees does it take to change a light bulb?

2: A maintenance worker and an inpector who says "I don't know how to do your job but my book says you're doing it wrong"




One man says to the other "just because your head is pointed doesn't make you sharp"


----------



## RBR

.....


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Saw a good April Fools Day ad today. Look up Quilted Northern Rustic Weave video for a good laugh.


----------



## Crazyeddiethefirst

How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes 12 visits.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change à lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change....


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I'm so old, I can remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.


----------



## Burgess

I went to the Air and Space Museum.


There was nothing there !


:shrug:
_

​


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol! Good one.


----------



## Monocrom

+1 on that.


----------



## Burgess

Did you hear about the Cross-Eyed Teacher ?



She Lost her Job !



She couldn't control her pupils.



< cue the Rimshot . . . . >


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...or two? One... or two?


----------



## Burgess

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.


And also a lifetime ban from the local zoo.


----------



## Burgess

I hate those Russian dolls.




They're so full of themselves.


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## Burgess

Today I got a universal remote control.



I said to myself: " This changes everything ".


----------



## Burgess

My wife told me 
to stop impersonating a flamingo.



I had to put my foot down.


----------



## Crazyeddiethefirst

Why do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Why bother to call him, he can't come anyway?
Sorry, my wife fed me eggs for breakfast & I'm full if yokes....


Sent from my iPod touch using Candlepowerforums


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Did you hear about the mathimetician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## Poppy

SH,
That's funny. I had to look at it twice before I "got it" !


----------



## dc38

StarHalo said:


>



Let's put a smile on that face


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 12 loaves of bread.

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."
He never returned.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Burgess said:


> My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
> 
> 
> And also a lifetime ban from the local zoo.



Most people fear Chuck Norris, but I heard he has the heart of a child.
He keeps it in a box on his desk.


----------



## Monocrom

That was awful..... LOL !


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How many NASCAR fans does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

One. But only if the thread turns to the left


----------



## Burgess

You know you're a bad driver
when the Garmin lady says:


" In 500 feet, stop and let me out ! "


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> You know you're a bad driver
> when the Garmin lady says:
> 
> 
> " In 500 feet, stop and let me out ! "



Okay........... That was one of the best jokes I've heard in a long time. :lolsign: :thanks:


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Burgess said:


> You know you're a bad driver
> when the Garmin lady says:
> 
> 
> " In 500 feet, stop and let me out ! "



Lol! Good one Burgess.


----------



## etc

Burgess said:


> Just saw this one,
> but in a slightly different context --
> 
> 
> *My greatest fear is when I die,
> 
> my wife will sell all my Flashlights
> 
> for what I told her they cost !
> 
> 
> *
> _




LOL


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

HA! I watched it way more times than I should have. Duhaaaa :laughing: 

~ Too embarrassed to sign my name.


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

He just went out for a plate of spaghetti. 

~ Chance


----------



## Monocrom

StarHalo said:


>




LOL !!!!

That's the funniest thing I've seen all day. (I work nights. So yeah....)


----------



## inetdog

Proof of life from the kitnappers?


----------



## wojtek_pl

http://www.owl232.net/hist.htm

The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers .................. (Remainder of copyrighted material may be found in the links above and below)

Old place can be found in Archive https://web.archive.org/web/20120118090200/http://home.sprynet.com/~owl1/hist.htm


----------



## Burgess

I would tell you a joke about Jonestown . . . . .




But the punchline is too long !





< cue the rimshot . . . . >


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Prosthetics are so expensive .......

...... They want an arm and a leg for one.

~ Chance


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> I would tell you a joke about Jonestown . . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But the punchline is too long !
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> < cue the rimshot . . . . >




That joke might get you shot, with a rimfire.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.


----------



## StarHalo

Picturing not paying attention and having gravy run down my car windshield..


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

A joke I just wrote for Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife went to the beauty shop today. The owner took one look at her then payed her to leave.

RIP, Sir.

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Sounds more like a Henny Youngman joke.


----------



## Megatrowned

Hahah! Henry was a hilarious comedian. I love his one liners. "A doctor give a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."


----------



## Monocrom

StarHalo said:


> Picturing not paying attention and having gravy run down my car windshield..




So you'd prefer having chunky blue cheese run down your windshield, instead??


----------



## tex.proud

So I'm driving down the freeway and I suddenly see the dreaded red and blue lights in my rear view morror.
I took my sweet time pulling over, but finally did.
Officer walks up to my window, and his first question was "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?".
I reply "Yes sir, I do." as I hang my head in shame.
The officer's second question was "Why did you not stop 2 miles back when I first turned on my lights?".
I told him "My wife ran off with an officer last week. I thought maybe you were him, trying to bring her back!".
He laughed all the way back to his unit and left.

Tex.Proud


----------



## tex.proud

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.


Q: What do you call a deer with good eyes?
A: A Good eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with bad eyes?
A: Bad eye deer.


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.


I usually tell folks these after, say, someone comes up with a good Idea, and my response is "That's a deer with good eyes!". Looking puzzled, I explain "A Goode eye deer".


You can figure how the others work.

Tex.Proud


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

tex.proud said:


> So I'm driving down the freeway and I suddenly see the dreaded red and blue lights in my rear view morror.
> I took my sweet time pulling over, but finally did.
> Officer walks up to my window, and his first question was "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?".
> I reply "Yes sir, I do." as I hang my head in shame.
> The officer's second question was "Why did you not stop 2 miles back when I first turned on my lights?".
> I told him "My wife ran off with an officer last week. I thought maybe you were him, trying to bring her back!".
> He laughed all the way back to his unit and left.
> 
> Tex.Proud



Hey Tex.Proud,
If that's a true story it's gold! Happy belated Birthday. 

~ Chance


----------



## tex.proud

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Hey Tex.Proud,
> If that's a true story it's gold! Happy belated Birthday.
> 
> ~ Chance



I wish it were a true story! I have never had a bad encounter with law enforcement, but that would be awesome!

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I'm now 40 for the fourth time! Um...yeah...40 is 1st, 43 is 4th time right?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A cop pulls over a driver, walks up to the car and asks "Can you identify yourself?"

The driver looks in his rear view mirror and says "Yep, that's me!"


----------



## Monocrom

A homeless man, and a lawyer happen to walk into a bar at about the same time. The bartender says, "Hey only one of you can stay! As for you, we don't cater to your filthy kind around here!" 

After a moment's hesitation, the homeless man sits down. The lawyer was about to say something but then just left.


----------



## BarneyJ

There are 3 things people can watch endlessly: fire, water and C drive formating)


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Yo-yos are on sale today, only 39 cents each. No strings attached.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

A vegan an atheist and a crossfitter walked in the bar this weekend. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes even though nobody asked.﻿ 

~ C.G.


----------



## tex.proud




----------



## xzel87

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> A vegan an atheist and a crossfitter walked in the bar this weekend. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes even though nobody asked.﻿
> 
> ~ C.G.



haha I actually giggled on this...most crossfitters don't do that, I just say I go to a gym.


Here's one:

Guy to girl: Do you have some bandages?, my knee hurts...

Girl: What happened??

Guy: I fell for you so hard I hurt my knee bad..


yeah dumb joke i know...someone tried this on my wife yesterday :shrug:


----------



## tab665

xzel87 said:


> haha I actually giggled on this...most crossfitters don't do that, I just say I go to a gym.
> 
> 
> Here's one:
> 
> Guy to girl: Do you have some bandages?, my knee hurts...
> 
> Girl: What happened??
> 
> Guy: I fell for you so hard I hurt my knee bad..
> 
> 
> yeah dumb joke i know...someone tried this on my wife yesterday :shrug:



lol, did you bump the thread just to try to kill it?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why was the math teacher late for school?

He took the rhombus.

-----------------------------------------

I poured root beer into a square glass and it turned into beer.


----------



## StarHalo

I bought the world's worst thesaurus; not only is it terrible, but it's terrible.


----------



## Burgess

Been a couple WEEKS now . . . . .

C'mon, folks ! Post some FUNNIES !





Today I was SO bored, I saw an ant in my kitchen 
and I placed a sugar cube in front of her.


She had some sugar, and then she went to tell her friends.

So I quickly hid the sugar cube . . . . .

because I wanted them to think that she was a Liar.


----------



## tex.proud

So in my job you dispatch on a ticket, and call the customer to let them know when you'll arrive.

Told my customer that I'd be there in under 30 minutes. Unfortunately I was working an area that I normally don't, got a little turned around, and took about 45 minutes to get to my customer. Upon arrival he said "You took a bit more than 30 minutes". Yes sir, I got l got lost, pulled up google maps to figure where I was, and had to go the way of the cow. He looked at me funny as he said "the way of the cow?". Yessir, the udder way...he chuckled and forgave me for the tardiness.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Up here in The Great North West we have directions on how to find Texas. First you head south till you smell cow manure. Then you head east till you step in it.  

Tex, 

Do you guys down in The Great State of Texas have any such directions for finding Washington? :wave:

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Did you hear about the sick chemist?

If you can't helium or curium, you'll have to barium.


----------



## tex.proud

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Up here in The Great North West we have directions on how to find Texas. First you head south till you smell cow manure. Then you head east till you step in it.
> 
> Tex,
> 
> Do you guys down in The Great State of Texas have any such directions for finding Washington? :wave:
> 
> ~ Chance



Nah, but when I was last in Washington state I had to laugh as I took a pic and thought to myself "They're so CHICKEN up here in the Northwest that there's enough left over to sell". :nana: Flew into Yakima and spent time in Naches and Leavenworth.






keeping with the manure aspect...and I did really take that pic up there.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Oh yeah! We have a lot of the chicken variety. It's a byproduct from liberal thinking. Comes from west of the mountains, mostly, Seattle and Olympia. They export it to Eastern Washington where residents are a lot more conservative. Over there, they know it's only good for growing veggies.  

~ Chance 

I really love the shadow of your hat. Man! That's great and speaks volumes. Folks back home probably wouldn't believe you that we sell it here if you didn't have pictures.


----------



## Jay R

StarHalo said:


>


Coming from England, that Pic is a joke by itself. Seriously, spray gravy ! How revolting is that !


----------



## Launch Mini

Jay R said:


> Coming from England, that Pic is a joke by itself. Seriously, spray gravy ! How revolting is that !


Disgusting IMHO.
Right next to aerosol cheese


----------



## Monocrom

If you can spray gravy, then it's not thick enough to be called "gravy."


----------



## StarHalo

Navy SEALpoint siamese..


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Considering what she's doing to those poor cats and the dress she's wearing, that woman has some serious problems. Definitely don't want her residing in my neighborhood, and can only imagine what she puts her husband through. 

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Those cats looked stressed, especially the first one with his ears pinned back.


----------



## StarHalo

Do not stress the animals


----------



## Empath

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*A Synonym Roll.*


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

A synonym roll. :laughing: 

~ CG


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Good one! :laughing:


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving.




 


As you may know, some people have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.


 


That's when I did something that I've never done before ----- I took a cab home.


 


Sure enough, on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved me past. I arrived home safely without incident.


 


This was a real treat as I had never driven a cab before. I played with the flag-thingy and radio. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Let me know if you want to borrow it next time you go out drinking. 


~ Chance









 

 


 

 


 


 










 



 





 





 







 





 




































 












​


----------



## Tribal

StarHalo said:


> Picturing not paying attention and having gravy run down my car windshield..



My Stomach turned a bit after seeing this....plus no dessert???


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Where did the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies

//I'll show myself out


----------



## PhotonWrangler

There are two rules for success:

1) Don't reveal everything you know.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Patient: Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places.

Doctor: Well, then don't go to those places.


----------



## firsttothescene

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.:naughty:


----------



## Tejasandre

firsttothescene said:


> What do you call a cow with no legs?
> 
> Ground beef.:naughty:



Milk from that cow? 


Dragon milk.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

What do you call a cow with two legs that are shorter than the other two? 

Lean beef. 

~ Chance


----------



## tex.proud

Came across these and thought they were cute.


----------



## Monocrom

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> What do you call a cow with two legs that are shorter than the other two?
> 
> Lean beef.
> 
> ~ Chance



Boooooooooo...... :lolsign:


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Monocrom said:


> Boooooooooo...... :lolsign:



Cow on a bun. Cow well done. Bad cow pun. 

~ Chance


----------



## ironhorse

You know what's odd? 



Numbers not divisible by two. 


Booooooooooooo


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

We may never know. :tinfoil:


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner




----------



## PhotonWrangler

A cow is a female. It's udderly true. They need to re-work that cartoon.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?

A buckaneer.


----------



## KITROBASKIN

PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF!

While detecting Pulse Width Modulation in a Playskool flashlight, an intrepid 7 year old finds out there is much more to discover!

https://goo.gl/photos/r7uTkkxrRRfvmtLv9


----------



## extendbatterylife

looooollllllll! Read this! 

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. 
"Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide,
"on how fast you carry the flashlight."


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Funny joke, extendbatterylife. :thumbsup: 

:welcome: 

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

You don't have to be faster than the alligator. You just have to be faster than the person next to you.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

I was hiking in the woods and stopped to talk to a fellow hiker. We were talking long enough for me to realize he wasn't a good guy. So, fearing for my safety, I started to leave. Just then a big bear came charging straight for us. I pulled a 22 pistol from my pocket and the guy starts yelling how stupid I was for thinking it would stop the bear. 

I shot the guy in the foot and took off running. 

~ CG


----------



## Poppy

After a round of golf, a lawyer comes home looking particularly haggard.

His wife says to him... "What's wrong honey, you look terrible, didn't you have a good day?"

"No... It was Terrible! We got to the third hole, and Harold had a heart attack!"

"Oh my" she said, "that must have been terrible!"

"Yes it was. After that, it was, hit the ball, and drag Harold... hit the ball, and drag Harold."


----------



## tex.proud

So, I'm on the phone with a colleague talkin' about the bad day he's having. I look up and tell him, "well I'm watching a woodpecker peck a steel rain gutter", you're not the only one having a bad day! Had to laugh.


----------



## Burgess

Even WORSE --



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN7mQqcxkvQ




_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Oh my gosh, that poor bird.

Woodpeckers will "drum" as a territorial thing. That woodpecker drumming on the steel rain gutter might have found himself a really nice, loud percussive instrument.


----------



## tex.proud

Something creepy about dark treks to your hunting stand.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

tex.proud said:


> Something creepy about dark treks to your hunting stand.



Last year I binge-watched a couple seasons of The Walking Dead. After that, I didn't go anywhere without my flashlight. :shakehead ......... Talk about whistling past the graveyard. 

~ Chance


----------



## StarHalo

Good thing she wore heels: Shaq and Olympic Gold Medalist Simone Biles


----------



## Burgess

a Frog visited a Fortune Teller.


She told the frog:
" A beautiful woman will
meet you next month !


She will want to know
EVERYTHING about you ! "


Frog was Very excited !


" Where will I meet her ? "
he asked the fortune teller ? ? ?

" at a Party ? "
" in a Bar ? "
" in Church ? "



Nope, the Fortune Teller replied --



" In Biology Class ! "


----------



## StarHalo

9MM FORCE


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

That looks like a California compliant gun with the disposable magazine I've heard so much about. Do you have a similar video of a 9mm vs. a guy wearing a bulletproof vest? How about a 9mm vs. a bowl of Jello?


----------



## martinaee

Maybe it's a gun that shoots 9mm handguns which then fires bullets on contact.


----------



## StarHalo

Your Capybara's power button is located in the right nostril


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, here's a leprechaun spending time with an older chick during the weather report: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMfHccihxWs


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. Somebody in the graphics department had better be dusting off their resume.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

PhotonWrangler said:


> Lol. Somebody in the graphics department had better be dusting off their resume.



This was either bad luck or foul play for the little leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day. Maybe they wanted to show a leprechaun getting lucky. At the start of the video, you can see the graphics guy is flipping the bird. Maybe this is his video resignation.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Hooked on Fenix said:


> This was either bad luck or foul play for the little leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day. Maybe they wanted to show a leprechaun getting lucky. At the start of the video, you can see the graphics guy is flipping the bird. Maybe this is his video resignation.


 

You misspelled fowl play. 

~ Chance


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Hooked on Fenix said:


> This was either bad luck or foul play for the little leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day. Maybe they wanted to show a leprechaun getting lucky. At the start of the video, you can see the graphics guy is flipping the bird. Maybe this is his video resignation.



Those animations seem to be stock items that come with the graphics system. I've seen these identical ones on at least two TV stations here. And I do believe that was done on purpose.


----------



## LedTed

From "The Morning Chuckle" at work.

*I should’ve been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.*


----------



## Crazyeddiethefirst

A Panda bear walks into a bar, eats a bowl of peanuts and then empties his gun shooting up the place. Satisfied, he walks out the door. The bar tender yells at the Panda "what was that all about"? The Panda replies "look me up in the dictionary". The confused bartender opens his dictionary, looks up "Panda Bear"... the definition? "Eats shoots and leaves"....


----------



## tex.proud

Haha! Why punctuation is important. Eats shoots and leaves vs. Eats, shoots, and leaves.


----------



## tex.proud

ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO PICK HER UP. 
THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE...
THE 911 OPERATOR ASKED HIM TO SPELL THAT.
THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN ELMER SAID......
"HOW ABOUT I JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME THERE"!!


----------



## aginthelaw

tex.proud said:


> ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO PICK HER UP.
> THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE...
> THE 911 OPERATOR ASKED HIM TO SPELL THAT.
> THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN ELMER SAID......
> "HOW ABOUT I JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME THERE"!!



Reminds me of a TRUE story of the police in my town. we have provisionary officers, cops that just couldn't pass a written test, but still could carry a gun and make arrests. One day an officer's horse dropped dead on roosevelt ave., and he called it in. the supervisor got the report and saw the horse was picked up on 2nd street. the officer was asked about the discrepancy and he replied "i couldn't spell roosevelt, so i dragged the horse to 2nd st. so i could fill out the report.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

April 1st, I removed the creamy goodness from an Oreo cookie and replaced it with toothpaste. Then I put it back in the package and waited. :devil: Ended up accompanying The Lovely Mrs. Gardiner on an errand. When we returned I found the package of Oreos in the garbage. :laughing: Well, all but one of them.

~ Chance


----------



## Launch Mini

For my American friends, call your accountant, tell them you just sold vacation properties in Canada & Mexico, started an online gaming company in the Cayman's, got married and gifted a bunch of money to family members, and that you'd like to make an appointment to come in to get your taxes done before the 15th.


----------



## Monocrom

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> April 1st, I removed the creamy goodness from an Oreo cookie and replaced it with toothpaste. Then I put it back in the package and waited. :devil: Ended up accompanying The Lovely Mrs. Gardiner on an errand. When we returned I found the package of Oreos in the garbage. :laughing: Well, all but one of them.
> 
> ~ Chance




So your prank resulted in a package of delicious cookies ending up in the trash? Sorry, can't call that a "win." LOL !


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Monocrom said:


> So your prank resulted in a package of delicious cookies ending up in the trash? Sorry, can't call that a "win." LOL !





Five minute rule. Plus, they were right on top and still in the package. 

No delicious cookies were waisted for this April Fools prank. 

= WIN!

~ Chance


----------



## Jay R

Monocrom said:


> So your prank resulted in a package of delicious cookies ending up in the trash?



No, it ended up with Oreos in the trash. I don't think they fit your description.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Jay R said:


> No, it ended up with Oreos in the trash. I don't think they fit your description.


 
I think you've got a point. :laughing: 

~ Chance


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

The newest way to show the world that you make too much money, and that you're stupid. 

Dirty Jeans from Nordstrom. $425 

~ Chance


----------



## Burgess

Sad news --


A friend of mine
fell into a reupholstering machine.







Good news --


He's now completely recovered.


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> Sad news --
> 
> 
> A friend of mine
> fell into a reupholstering machine.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good news --
> 
> 
> He's now completely recovered.



I'm sure he was stitched up, properly.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Monocrom said:


> I'm sure he was stitched up, properly.



You guys are too funny! You must be cut from the same cloth


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How did the people behind the latest hack escape?

They ransomewhere.


----------



## StarHalo

It's my birthday this week; everybody gets a good'un


----------



## Glenn7

at least he has a spare harmonic balancer


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol! That was funny.


----------



## StarHalo

Why is there a hole in the TV?


----------



## Monocrom

The Nintendo Zapper never looked better! LOL !


----------



## PhotonWrangler

With the passing of Adam West today, I think it's appropriate to bring out this oldie but goodie again - 

16 sodium atoms walked into a bar, followed by Batman.


----------



## skillet

PhotonWrangler said:


> With the passing of Adam West today, I think it's appropriate to bring out this oldie but goodie again -
> 
> 16 sodium atoms walked into a bar, followed by Batman.



I had to google this.... no words


----------



## KITROBASKIN

PhotonWrangler said:


> With the passing of Adam West today, I think it's appropriate to bring out this oldie but goodie again -
> 
> 16 sodium atoms walked into a bar, followed by Batman.



Took me over a week to figure this one out...


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I had to look it up the first time I heard it also. I suppose if I was a chemistry major I'd have gotten it immediately!


----------



## StarHalo

In the warehouse the other day: I'm looking on the shelf for an item described as "Artisan Wire Sculpture, 18 AWG, 1.25" long." And there's a tiny jewelry-type ziploc baggie with the corresponding label on it that contains ..a paper clip. True story.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

StarHalo said:


> In the warehouse the other day: I'm looking on the shelf for an item described as "Artisan Wire Sculpture, 18 AWG, 1.25" long." And there's a tiny jewelry-type ziploc baggie with the corresponding label on it that contains ..a paper clip. True story.



One really needs to roll over the image with their cursor to be able to fully appreciate its beautiful lines. 

~ Chance


----------



## blah9

Haha that's amazing. Thanks for sharing. Just saw this recently:

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian.


----------



## Monocrom

StarHalo said:


> In the warehouse the other day: I'm looking on the shelf for an item described as "Artisan Wire Sculpture, 18 AWG, 1.25" long." And there's a tiny jewelry-type ziploc baggie with the corresponding label on it that contains ..a paper clip. True story.



That's nothing. Just out of curiosity, I typed in "Bag of crap" and got numerous results!


----------



## Burgess

An old guy is driving home from work ,
when his wife rings him on his cell phone.


"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful".

"There was a bit on the news just now, 
some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway".


"Oh, it's worse than that," he replies, 

"There are Hundreds of them ! "


----------



## Monocrom

Burgess said:


> An old guy is driving home from work ,
> when his wife rings him on his cell phone.
> 
> 
> "Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful".
> 
> "There was a bit on the news just now,
> some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway".
> 
> 
> "Oh, it's worse than that," he replies,
> 
> "There are Hundreds of them ! "



Saw that one coming a mile away.... Thankfully I had time to pull off onto the shoulder.


----------



## Cyclops942

Burgess said:


> An old guy is driving home from work ,
> when his wife rings him on his cell phone.
> 
> 
> "Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful".
> 
> "There was a bit on the news just now,
> some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway".
> 
> 
> "Oh, it's worse than that," he replies,
> 
> "There are Hundreds of them ! "


Sadly, that's happening quite a bit here in Phoenix, and it sometimes ends in fatalities.


----------



## StarHalo

Parked behind this dude at work:


----------



## Burgess

:bump:


Customer:

This coffee tastes like MUD !


Waiter:

Well, I'm not surprised . . . .
It was Ground this morning !


----------



## Lucciola

Burgess said:


> It was Ground this morning !





"Waiter, this coffee is ice-cold!"
"Want something warm, gotta order a beer!"

And did we have this one already?


----------



## StarHalo

The M.C. Escher building is now open..


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Nice edit. He flipped the video horizontally at the bottom of the stairs.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What starts with an E, ends with an E, and usually has only one letter?

An envelope.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

One fine morning an elderly gentleman, William, was taking his daily walk through the park when he came upon a talking frog. :huh: William couldn't believe his eyes, or his ears for that matter! So he bent down to have a closer look. The frog introduced herself as Lucy and said that she was actually a beautiful woman in her late 20's and that an evil spell had been cast upon her by a jealous rival. Lucy further revealed that a kiss on her head would remove the spell and that she would be most grateful to William if he would save her from this terrible fate. When William hesitated, Lucy went on to promise that she would fulfill his wildest fantasies......... :naughty:

With that William gently picked Lucy up, but instead of kissing her he began to put her in his coat pocket. Lucy cried out in disbelief and asked William why he hadn't kissed her, given all that she had promised. 

William smiled and said, "Dear, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."


----------



## skillet

What did the snail say when he rode the turtle?











Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!


----------



## Monocrom

LOL ! William ain't right. xD


----------



## Monocrom

LOL ! William ain't right. xD


----------



## Lucciola

Asked my to daughter to hand me the newspaper.

She told me that I finally should arrive in the digital age and gave me the iPad.

Anyway - the fly is dead...


----------



## Burgess

I began reading a 
horror novel in Braille.


Something BAD is gonna' happen.


I can FEEL it !


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

This is a true story:

A young girl was feeling the face of her grandfather. She asked, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
The grandfather responded, "Yes, of course."
The girl felt her own face, then asked, "Grandpa, did God make me?"
The grandfather said, "Yes, of course."
The girl replied, "God sure has gotten better at making people."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why do assembly programmers need to know how to swim?

Because they work below C level.


----------



## mahoney

True story:

15 years ago we needed to make up a bunch of wax-sealed letters for a project at work. My boss went off to the best stationary/art supply store in town in search of sealing wax, goes up to the counter and asks the clerk "I need some sealing wax, can you show me where it is?" She replied "Why on earth would you want to wax your ceiling?"


----------



## Burgess

I have a fear of Elevators.



But I'm taking steps to avoid it.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

From another forum - 

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree.

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”


The lumberjack laughed and said “...and you will dialogue.”


----------



## tex.proud

Y'all hear about the 2 Egyptians that farted at the same time? The had a Toot In Common!

I know it's summertime, but when it's cold....It's so cold that Bees are wearing Yellojackets!

HeHe!


----------



## blah9

Lol I like that first one a lot, tex.pround.

Here is one I heard the other day: What do you get when you throw a couch in a pond? A sitting duck!


----------



## tex.proud

TY! and I'll use that one!


----------



## Monocrom

What do you get if you toss Blue paint and Yellow paint onto the same wall?.... *Red.*

*Cause that's what your wife will be seeing when she notices the mess you made! *


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the M&Ms factory? He was throwing out all the W's.


----------



## StarHalo

An explorer is deep in the jungle, in a corner of the earth never before seen by Western man. Suddenly, he hears drums in the distance. He turns to his faithful native guide and asks what the drums mean.
“No worry, no worry,” says the guide, “drums good, drums okay.”
The explorer, trusting his guide, continues on through the jungle. The drums get louder and closer as darkness falls, and they set to make camp. “Are you sure this is safe, making camp with those drums so close by?” says the explorer.
“No worry, no worry,” says the guide, “drums good, drums okay.”
So they make a little fire, and eat something. The explorer is uneasy about sleeping, with that strange drumming nearby. He is about to ask his guide once again for reassurance, when, as suddenly as they began, the drums stop. The guide freezes, a look of terror on his face. “What? What is it?” whispers the explorer, “Is it bad that the drums stopped?”
“Drums good, drums okay,” said the guide, “But drums stop, that bad. Very bad, what come next, if drums stop.”
“What? Tell me! What is it that comes after the drums stop?!?”
“Bass solo.”


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. And now we know where jazz was really born.


----------



## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> Lol. And now we know where jazz was really born.



Harlem.... Since even the Bass is good. :twothumbs


----------



## StarHalo

A Brit, a Yank and a Scot order pints. Three mugs are plopped down on the bar, and all three have a fly in them.

The Brit hollers at the barkeep, “You filthy git, bring me a new beer!”

The Yank downs the pint fly and all, and exclaims, “Ah, nothing like a little protein!”

The Scot reaches into his mug, fishes out the fly, holds it by its two wings and exhorts, “Spit it out ya little *******!”


----------



## Lucciola

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One - we're efficient and humorless!


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

I laughed till tears from the last two. Thanks guys. 

~ CG


----------



## Crazyeddiethefirst

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes 12 visits....

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change....


----------



## Monocrom

How many flashaholics does it take to change a bulb inside a flashlight?

One.... But a whole group of them will politely fight over who'll get the privilage of doing so. 

*~ or ~*

One.... Whoever was lucky or clever enough to find a replacement bulb for that particular vintage inca. model.


----------



## Keitho

Monocrom said:


> How many *cpf* flashaholics does it take to change a bulb inside a flashlight?



Twenty-nine. One to change the bulb, three to ask how much to mod their own flashlight the same way, seven to comment on the bulb that they would have used instead, one to post a sales link and get admonished by a mod, six to say how much better a LED drop-in would be, and 11 to respond with comments about 100-CRI incan bulbs and the futility of lumen wars.


----------



## Lucciola

How can you tell that a drummer is knocking on your door?

The knocks are getting slower!


----------



## Lucciola

Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.


----------



## Burgess

Man decided he wanted a divorce.

He told the judge:


“I just can’t take it anymore. 

Every night she's out until way after midnight,

just going from bar to bar”.


The judge asked him, “What is she doing ?”


Man answered, “Looking for me.”


----------



## Lucciola

Burgess said:


> “Looking for me.”






Burglar: Where do you keep your valuables?
M. C. Escher: *snickers* Upstairs! :devil:


----------



## Lucciola

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!


----------



## Nimitz68

Here's an International Talk Like a Pirate Day joke (in your best swashbuckling accent):

Q: What be a pirate's favorite letter? (Most people will respond "R" at this point)

A: You might think it's the "R" but a pirate's true love is the "C."

Get it? I love this joke.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Nimitz68 said:


> Here's an International Talk Like a Pirate Day joke (in your best swashbuckling accent):
> 
> Q: What be a pirate's favorite letter? (Most people will respond "R" at this point)
> 
> A: You might think it's the "R" but a pirate's true love is the "C."
> 
> Get it? I love this joke.



My son answered in one second. I can only wish I was as smart as he is. 

~ Chance


----------



## Empath

Just a reminder

Reminder ..... Please Read]

A significant number of posts have been removed that ignored the concepts of the above reminder.


----------



## StarHalo

One for the kids at your holiday get-together:

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll _Let it Go, Let it Go_..


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Along the same lines...

You might be able to borrow almost any DVD from Rick Astley's collection, but he's _never gonna give you Up!_


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A plateau is the highest form of flattery


----------



## kaichu dento

PhotonWrangler said:


> A plateau is the highest form of flattery


LoL!!


----------



## PhotonWrangler

If the earth was flat, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now


----------



## Lucciola

Here's one from my kids:

A crocodile eats a clown. Chews for a while then says: "tastes a bit funny!"


----------



## P_A_S_1

What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.


----------



## Monocrom

P_A_S_1 said:


> What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.



Ah, the classics never get old.


----------



## xevious




----------



## Nimitz68

^^ Good one!


----------



## Monocrom

Indeed.


----------



## xevious




----------



## Monocrom

xevious said:


>



LOL !


----------



## PhotonWrangler

xevious said:


>


lovecpf


----------



## xevious

Amish Stop Sign


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Amish WHOA sign.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Amish WHOA sign.



Wait... horses can _read? :laughing:_


----------



## Wonder

Another good one!

Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.


----------



## StarHalo

PhotonWrangler said:


> Wait... horses can _read? :laughing:_



Everything's a LIE


----------



## MAD777

Great story @Wonder
as a winter sports enthusiast, I concur! LOL


----------



## Monocrom

MAD777 said:


> Great story @Wonder
> as a winter sports enthusiast, I concur! LOL



What I learned from that story.... Never be friends with dudes named Brad. And, only have daughters. :twothumbs


----------



## thermal guy

One day an Italian mother was at her wits end of yelling at her two sons Tommy and tony who would never listen to her and always getting into trouble. The women went to the priest and asked if he could speak to her sons.the priest said yes I will speak to them but one at a time. Tell tommy to stop by and I’ll talk to him After school. When Tommy got to the church the priest brought him into a room set him in a chair and turned on the light above his head and said tell me where is God. Tommy didn’t answer. the priest once again said Tommy where is God Tommy got all nervous and jittery the priest getting mad looked and said Tommy this is the last time I will ask you. where is God? Tommy got so scared he got up and ran out of the church ran all the way home all the way up to his bedroom where his brother was. his brother could see that he was upset and said what’s the matter to which Tommy replied we’re in BIG trouble God’s missing and they think we got him 😁


----------



## Monocrom

LOL !


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence. :tinfoil:


----------



## FLfrk

Lol, so many great lines in that one, Wonder. Fitting a major appliance under a snowboarders outfit [emoji23]


----------



## xevious




----------



## PhotonWrangler

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole when a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” 

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” 

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?” 

“No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”


----------



## Monocrom

LOL !
Good one.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner




----------



## Jay R

Re: the above.

I was once in the U.S. and a Yank asked me if we (the British) celebrate independence day. I replied "No, but perhaps we should."


----------



## Keitho

FLfrk said:


> Lol, so many great lines in that one, Wonder. Fitting a major appliance under a snowboarders outfit [emoji23]



I agree that Wonder's post had as many great lines as a Dave Barry article. Turns out, post 914 is a copy/paste of a Dave Barry article (everything except the author's name). No less funny, but it deserves a credit to the Pulitzer Prize winner.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Another Dave Barry fan here! There aren't too many writers who literally make me laugh out loud, but he's one of them.


----------



## StarHalo

Breaking news, this just in


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

StarHalo said:


> Breaking news, this just in



Are they just gunna Netflix n chill?


----------



## Burgess

How many Chiropractors 
does it take to change a light bulb ?




One --


but he has to do it in 12 visits.




_


----------



## Keitho

That's a cracking joke...


----------



## PhotonWrangler

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it some time.


----------



## 5S8Zh5




----------



## bykfixer

A guy walks into a bar with a bowling ball bag he it set on the counter. He pulls out a head and says "pour my friend a bourbon". He pours the shot down the throat of the head and out pops a body. Poof. 

The bar tender amazed asked the head "want another?" "Sure" the head responded. The buddy pours the shot into the heads mouth and poof, out pops arms and hands. 

"How about another?" asked the bar tender. "you betcha was the response". So this time the guy now has arms so he drank the shot without assistance. Poof. Out pops legs and feet. 

Bar tenders says "want another?" and the guy said "heck yeah". He drinks the shot and Poof……… he disappeared. 

Bar tender looks at the friend and says "dude should quit while he was a head".


----------



## Monocrom

Boo! LOL !


----------



## Cyclops942

Don't even get me started on Velcro... what a rip-off!


----------



## Cyclops942

Why should you never ask Rick Astley if you can borrow his complete collection of Pixar movies?




Because he's never gonna give you 'Up.'


----------



## Keitho

None of my German flashlights work at all...they all have neun-volt batteries


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.

The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. He turns to the farmer and says: You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.

That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?

The young man thinks about it for a second and says Okay, why not?

You’re a politician says the farmer.

Wow! That’s correct. But how did you guess that?

No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

5S8Zh5 said:


> This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.



Lol! I didn't see that one coming.


----------



## Monocrom

I agree. The dog part caught me by surprise.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Dove chocolate tastes much better than their soap


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. Wife says relatives of yours? Yep. In laws.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out with a caterer, a band and even a clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown suddenly calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says what your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50.

Well I dunno. Let me ask him. He turns around and yells at his friend. Hey Willie. For $50 would you chop off another toe?


----------



## Monocrom

A woman decides to buy a parrot as a surprise Birthday gift for her husband. She's very religious and very strict that no alcohol is consumed in her house, by anyone. There's not even a bottle of cough syrup in her house. She's happy that her husband feels the same way. Owner of the pet shop tells her the parrot used to belong to a very sketchy woman who ran a very seedy Bar that was recently busted and shutdown for illegal gambling. The woman decides to buy the parrot, anyway. 

At home she removes the cover from its cage. Parrot looks at her and says, _"Awck! New Madam."_

Well, that won't do. But she's sure she can re-train the parrot later on. 

Her son, and daughter who are visiting from two different colleges arrive at the house. Parrot looks at both of them and says, _"Awck! new patron and new bar-fly."_

Again, the woman is not very happy. But is certain she can re-train the bird; properly.

Husband comes home, and she surprises him with his gift. Parrot looks at her husband and says, _"Hello Steve! You want your daily usual?"_


----------



## 5S8Zh5

I have a few jokes about unemployed people. Unfortunately none of them work.


----------



## Monocrom

5S8Zh5 said:


> I have a few jokes about unemployed people. Unfortunately none of them work.




Boo.... 

*Attention: All of your accounts through Google have been banned. 
*
Oh! What the heck?!?!?!?!


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

You know, I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?

The driver said no problem. Have at it.

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. I know we are supposed to enforce the law... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.

The supervisor asked Is it the governor?

The young trooper said No, he's more important than that.

The supervisor said Oh, so it's the president.

The young trooper said No he's even more Important than that.

After a moment the supervisor finally asked, Well then, who is it?

The young trooper said, I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur.


----------



## Monocrom

LOL ! No, you can't give Jesus a ticket. He'll part the traffic so no accidents occur.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.


----------



## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> What has 4 wheels and flies?
> 
> A garbage truck.




What has 4 wheels and flies, and is really warm during the Winter?.... The garbage truck that Crazy Craig set on fire across the street.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Am I a bad person for finding this funny?  







Mind you, she didn't write that she choked, no, only that she almost choked. :laughing:


----------



## Monocrom

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> Am I a bad person for finding this funny?



Yes, yes you are. 
The man in the red suit would like a word with you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I meant the _other_ man in the red suit. :devil:


----------



## 5S8Zh5




----------



## Monocrom

5S8Zh5 said:


>




Ouch! :sick2:


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, and the giraffe gets way too drunk. The bartender says, Hey! you can't leave that lying there! The guy goes, that's not a lion its a giraffe.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

The wavelengths of the visible spectrum are measured in nanometers. Except for the color yellow, which is measured in bananometers.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A priest was heading to church when he saw there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station, who said Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you? Hi, this is Father O’Malley. There’s a donkey lying dead right in the middle of my front lawn. Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites. There was dead silence on the line for a long moment before Father O’Malley replied Ah, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.


----------



## bykfixer

At a funeral, the pastor said "now would anybody like to stand up and say a few words about this dearly departed?" There was silence. A minute goes by, then another and the pastor said "anybody?" then a voice from the rear said "yeah, his brother was worse".


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.


----------



## StarHalo




----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. I thought it was a coffee drink.


----------



## 5S8Zh5




----------



## xevious

link


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A man goes to the doctor. After examining him, the GP says - You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks - Do I have to take them every day?

No. Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and he sees the patient’s wife. Hello Mrs Murphy. How’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack.

I’m very sorry to hear that. I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine. It was all the bloody skipping that killed him.


----------



## xevious




----------



## 5S8Zh5

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director - How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them either a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No. A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?


----------



## PhotonWrangler

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert *your* course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert _*your*_ course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


----------



## 5S8Zh5




----------



## 5S8Zh5

My friend says to me - What rhymes with orange. I said - No it doesn't.


----------



## bykfixer

One day Mario asked Louigi why he hung out with Toad so much. 

Luigi replied "he's a fun-gi"……

Buh-dum-shpeeeeee……


----------



## Keitho

Why did the fungi leave the party? 

There wasn't mushroom!

[hi-hat]


----------



## Burgess

Here's a little secret:



My ATM pin number
is the last 4 digits of pi


----------



## Burgess

*My sister told me I couldn’t 
make a car out of spaghetti.


*
* You should have seen her face
as I drove pasta !
*


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What did the orchestra conductor name his three daughters?

Anna 1,..
Anna 2,..
Anna 3...


----------



## 5S8Zh5

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door.


Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

PhotonWrangler said:


> What did the orchestra conductor name his three daughters?
> 
> Anna 1,..
> Anna 2,..
> Anna 3...


Lawrence Welk.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

5S8Zh5 said:


> Lawrence Welk.



Yes, complete with bubble machine.


----------



## bykfixer

5S8Zh5 said:


> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door.
> 
> 
> Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
> 
> Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.



Sadly this may be a true story……


----------



## StarHalo

Over at Red Robin today for lunch:


----------



## 5S8Zh5

What the difference between a catfish and a defense lawyer?

Hmmm, I don't know Detective.

One's a bottom-feeding scum sucker and one's a fish.


----------



## StarHalo

iPhone case


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Geology rocks but geography is where it's at.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!


----------



## 5S8Zh5

What kind of apples grow on trees?

[ All of them. ]


----------



## Monocrom

bykfixer said:


> Sadly this may be a true story……




No worries. It's a cleaned up version of an ethnic joke.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


----------



## Monocrom

5S8Zh5 said:


> I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.




Well, 2020 is a Leap year. Should have left the 29th of February in there.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

I was driving to a college class one day with my mom in the car. I said to her, " I just realized I just ate two half pound bean burritos and I have to take a test. Oh well, I work well under pressure."

I was driving down the 395 with my dad on the way to a backpacking trip. Rabbits kept running across the road at night. I swerved to avoid hitting one. My dad said swerving was dangerous and to just run them over next time. I hit a big one and my dad told me to just run over the little ones so I don't damage the car. I said, "What difference does it make. At this point, we're just splitting hares."

My martial arts instructor told me he stubbed his toe tripping on the vacuum cleaner. I told him, "That sucks".


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

The Lovely Mrs. Gardiner's brother-in-law was telling me how much his prosthetic leg cost - I said, "Wow! I knew they were expensive, but I didn't know they wanted an arm or a leg for one." 

True story. He wasn't amused. I still think it's hilarious.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A coworker was telling us a story about letting someone borrow his jet ski. He told them how to operate it so it didn't stall. They rode it awhile and it stalled. They couldn't get it going again so they abandoned it and swam to shore. The coworker had to swim to go get it. He had been drinking. He swam every way he knew how and finally got to the jet ski totally exhausted. He got the jet ski working again and rode it into shore. When he was finishing his story, someone asked him " how deep was the water". I yelled back, "He could stand up."


----------



## 5S8Zh5

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me - What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?


----------



## GaiaIngram

If you are beautiful and single , then you are not beautiful


----------



## PhotonWrangler

It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear


----------



## 5S8Zh5

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on take Your Child to work day. As they walked around the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly - Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a Dear John letter from his girlfriend back home. It read - Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim.


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.


There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read - Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave.


----------



## Monocrom

Ha ha!
Oh, that's a good one. Enjoyed that one a lot. :twothumbs


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Late one night a moth goes into a podiatrist's office and says - Doc, ya gotta help me. I have these voices in my head and they're telling me everybody hates me and I just can't figure out who the real me is and I need help sorting it all out.

I'm a podiatrist - this is a foot clinic - I fix feet - and you, my friend, need a psychiatrist. Didn't you see the sign on the front door?

Yeah, sure, I saw the sign and I know I need a psychiatrist.

Well, if you saw the sign and you knew you needed a psychiatrist, why did you come in?

Because the light was on.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

:hahaha:


5S8Zh5 said:


> Late one night a moth goes into a podiatrist's office and says - Doc, ya gotta help me. I have these voices in my head and they're telling me everybody hates me and I just can't figure out who the real me is and I need help sorting it all out.
> 
> I'm a podiatrist - this is a foot clinic - I fix feet - and you, my friend, need a psychiatrist. Didn't you see the sign on the front door?
> 
> Yeah, sure, I saw the sign and I know I need a psychiatrist.
> 
> Well, if you saw the sign and you knew you needed a psychiatrist, why did you come in?
> 
> Because the light was on.



That's funny!


----------



## 5S8Zh5

[FONT=&quot]Today I was dismissed from the lingerie department of a very smart store, they said it was a communication issue with a customer. He came up to me and said he wanted some very nice underwear for his wife.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I asked - Satin?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Oh no. I can afford brand new.[/FONT]


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I have an inferiority complex.

But it's not a very good one.


----------



## Poppy

5S8Zh5 said:


> Today I was dismissed from the lingerie department of a very smart store, they said it was a communication issue with a customer. He came up to me and said he wanted some very nice underwear for his wife.
> 
> I asked - Satin?
> 
> Oh no. I can afford brand new.


Oh No! That was so bad, it took me too much time to figure it out.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

:twothumbs POTUS Trump is back at the White House after making a full recovery. :twothumbs


----------



## 5S8Zh5

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Saw the Vice Presidential debate tonight. Apparently, Mike Pence is a nice guy. He couldn't hurt a fly.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol. And the fly knew when it's 2 minutes were up.


----------



## bigburly912

PhotonWrangler said:


> Lol. And the fly knew when it's 2 minutes were up.



It also knew that some piles of crap are just too nasty to land on. : D


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

bigburly912 said:


> It also knew that some piles of crap are just too nasty to land on. : D


Oh come on. We all know Joe Biden planted a bug on Pence during that debate. This is the start of Flygate.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Hooked on Fenix said:


> Oh come on. We all know Joe Biden planted a bug on Pence during that debate. This is the start of Flygate.



....aaaaaand it's already a product. Someone is selling a "debate fly wig" for Halloween. No I'm not linking to them.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Last week I got kicked out of a Flat Earth Society meeting after I asked if this six foot social distancing thing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.


----------



## Poppy

How can you tell the difference between Trump and Pence?
Trump doesn't sport a fly.




Chauncey Gardiner said:


> :twothumbs POTUS Trump is back at the White House after making a full recovery. :twothumbs


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

:laughing: Even COVID picked Trump over Biden. :laughing:


----------



## PhotonWrangler

5S8Zh5 said:


> Last week I got kicked out of a Flat Earth Society meeting after I asked if this six foot social distancing thing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.




The Flat Earth Society has members all over the globe! :ironic:


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

*Sad News From Minnesota*

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin with the gravesite piled high with many flours.
Numerous celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the California Raisins, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born in 1965 and bread in Minnesota, Poppin’ Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes.
A little flaky, he was known as crusty man, but still considered a positive “roll” model to millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough; three children – John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough…plus, they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly uncle, Pop-Tart. 
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 15 minutes.
If you enjoyed reading this, rise to the occasion and share it with a friend who’s having a crumb-y day.



​


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

PhotonWrangler said:


> ....aaaaaand it's already a product. Someone is selling a "debate fly wig" for Halloween. No I'm not linking to them.


Pence was appealing to the younger generation of voters by looking fly. Pretty fly on a white guy.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Vegans say it's gross to sell meat, but a person who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

5S8Zh5 said:


> Vegans say it's gross to sell meat, but a person who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.


A large group of baboons is called a congress. A group of alligators is called a congregation. Not what you want to bring up in conversation near the White House or at church.
Next time I see a vegetarian eating broccoli, I'm telling them they can either hug a tree or eat one. You can't have it both ways.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware humanitarians!


----------



## greenpondmike

What are a blonde's first words after graduating college? "Would you like fries with that?"

Since I'm also blonde I figured it wouldn't hurt to do a little picking


----------



## greenpondmike

.....


----------



## bykfixer

What do you get when you cross three little pigs with a big bad wolf? 

Pork, the other white meat.


----------



## greenpondmike

I thought opossum was the "other" white meat.  
Makes me wonder how many carbs a 5 pound opossum has in it? Knowing me though I'd probably make a pet out of it and name him George...


----------



## bigburly912

greenpondmike said:


> I thought opossum was the "other" white meat.
> Makes me wonder how many carbs a 5 pound opossum has in it? Knowing me though I'd probably make a pet out of it and name him George...



No carbs. 188 calories per 3oz 9grams of fat around 25g of protein.


----------



## greenpondmike

Cool! I didn't know opossum was high in protein:laughing:. I think it would be better to bake them than to fry. On older squirrels that are a little tough you can slow bake them while wrapped in foil and then fry them up and they will be tender, yet still have that fried squirrel taste. I'm thinking that might work on opossum- yum, yum.
I seen where someone had an armadillo (opossum on a half shell) out on a grill. I wonder if that's white meat also?


----------



## bykfixer

The day I saw a turkey vulture walk up to a possum, peck at it, shake its head then fly away was the day I decided if a vulture won't eat it I hope I never have to.……


----------



## greenpondmike

A lot of that was just tongue in cheek goofiness, but I heard the key is to clean them out with good food a week or two before you eat them. As far as an armadillo goes, I don't want to even touch one- they are carriers of leprosy.:sick2: 

That's true about the squirrel though and you can do chicken that way or partially boil it before frying to ensure it gets fully cooked without bruising the spices in the batter. Golden brown, tender and juicy- my wife likes mine better than kfc. I like popeye's


----------



## greenpondmike

I saw a comic on fb a while back when I was on it.
A woman threw a coin into a wishing well and made a wish to become desirable to men.
Poof!- she was turned into this beautiful new bass boat on a trailer ready to be hitched up and taken to the water. 
The actual picture of it all got a lol from me


----------



## greenpondmike

A blonde one time was afraid that her mechanic was going to take advantage of her, but was relieved when he said he only had to replace the muffler bearing.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

This is not a joke per se but it's still really funny. An Ikea store in Spain ran a contest where the public had the opportunity to name the street next to the store. For those unfamiliar with Ikea, it's a furniture store where you buy a kit and assemble it at home. Naturally the winning entry for the street name, when translated into English, means "I'm missing a screw."


----------



## greenpondmike

I wonder if the furniture store was known for leaving out a screw or two in its kits.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Tired of his constantly rising liability insurance rates, an OBGYN started training to become a mechanic. After two years of schooling he took his final exam on rebuilding a motor. He passed with ease. 

Upon receiving his diploma the instructor congratulated him and said - I've seen a lot of mechanics rebuild a motor, but I've never seen anyone do it with their hands and arms stretching through the exhaust system.


----------



## bykfixer

You know it was so cold in DC the other day I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets……

Buh-dum-shpeeee! 

Hands……in his own……pockets……get it? Oh never mind. 

Where should you go in a room if you're cold? 
A corner, it's usually 90 degrees……

What do dentists call x-rays? 
Tooth pix

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building? 
Of course, the empire state building can't jump. 

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees? 
Because they're very good at it……


----------



## greenpondmike

Lol, I like yall's jokes better than my own. 
Edit: I got a few more blonde jokes, Auburn jokes and a true very short story about something a parts runner was sent to get. Although I was a parts runner also at that time it wasn't me- although it could have been because I never heard of a fl. tube either.


----------



## Poppy

Its's not uncommon on a big construction job, for a journeyman to send a new kid for a board stretcher.

It'll go something like this:
Bill, "Damn, I cut this a little too short. Johnny, go get me a board stretcher. Frank has one, he's up on the third floor."
Frank, "Oh the board stretcher? What happen Bill cut his board short again?.. Well I don't have it, Pete came by yesterday and took it. He's up on the top deck."
Pete, "The board stretcher? I just sent it over to Freddie, his helper took it." ...


----------



## ironhorse

We had the new kid in the tool van looking for the sky hooks for half an hour.


----------



## Poppy

ironhorse said:


> We had the new kid in the tool van looking for the sky hooks for half an hour.


LOL... literally laughing out loud. 

What is a skyhook? used for?


----------



## bigburly912

Ask ol Kareem Abdul jabbar. I think he knows a little about em


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

ironhorse said:


> We had the new kid in the tool van looking for the sky hooks for half an hour.


Someone my dad worked with was told to get a sky hook. He brought back a crane.
Doing electrical work, journeymen usually ask an apprentice to get the wire stretcher (the apprentice is the wire stretcher) or tells them about the free linesman pliers in the bucket of soap/wire pulling lubricant.


----------



## greenpondmike

Lol, those are some good ones about the sky hook and the board stretcher. That reminded me of a certain fellow I knew- his cousin was telling me about a time when that fellow was at work on what I reckon was a construction site. He went to the porta-john to smoke something illegal and they hooked up a crane cable and lifted it up about 50 ft with him still in there not knowing what was going on. He probably felt a jolt, but just probably thought what he was smoking was some good stuff. He went to step out and he grabbed ahold of the door just in time and pulled himself back in. I was told they had him screeming like a girl till they put him back down.
Now that was a risky and cruel prank, but seeing no one got hurt it was kinda humorous.


----------



## Glenn7

A few more: 
Sent out to get some stripped paint.
A left handed screwdriver or hammer.
A long weight (wait)


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Glenn7 said:


> A few more:
> Sent out to get some stripped paint.
> A left handed screwdriver or hammer.
> A long weight (wait)



I'll add the tempered glass cutter


----------



## Jay R

Bucket of blue sparks.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

A friend worked at a local park. In one of the mechanical buildings was a machine (I don't know what it was) that had a steam relief valve. My friend sent the new guy for a bucket of steam to clean some tools. To no one's surprise the bucket was empty when the low IQ hire returned. It was reported that he was dangerous to have around so they sent him off on errands as frequently as possible.


----------



## bigburly912

I’m not proud of this since I ended up running the place later on and the poor kid wore himself out............but once upon a time I was training a new hire at a flooring manufacturing facility. When we stacked up wood that was to be turned into flooring sticks were placed between the layers for air flow. When the wood was destacked it would run over a series of chains and the sticks would fall down a shoot into a large hydraulic activated hopper we simply called a stick machine. The stick machine went down one day and my new hire was harassing maintenance telling them how to fix it and what was wrong. These guys were in hydraulic fluid covered in dust pissed off. Just an absolute mess. The last thing they wanted was to have some dude standing over them trying to tell them how to fix something he knew absolutely nothing about. I told him if he wanted to help to go back to the maintenance shop and ask the other guys for a flux capacitor because it had went out and that’s why the stick machine stopped moving. 

The maintenance shop was on the far end of the property probably around 300 yard away. Well, the boy took off towards it and I didn’t see him for a good 20 minutes. When he came back I saw why. The maintenance crew had given this poor kid a 3hp electric motor to carry. (Weighed about 70 pounds) and absolutely covered him in hard lines. He carried every bit of that stuff back over toward where the machine was and the night shift production manager stopped him halfway and asked him what the heck he was doing. If I’d have known they were going to do all that to him I never would have sent him haha. It was great. 

We also had knot pullers and board stretchers and cans of A I R


----------



## kaichu dento

Not as funny as the stuff you guys came up with, but we had a new know-it-all-and-not-afraid-to-let-you-know type show up. We were talking about something that needed to be put together and I just stopped the conversation and said "Great, we don't have to worry about it. He knows how to do it so he can do it." He said "No problem". A few more times of that happening and he stopped being so vocal about telling others how to do things!


----------



## desert.snake

Here I am sitting and here I came up with a new anecdote, I urgently need to conduct a study, is it really new or did it come up in my memory in connection with another anecdote?


Two girlfriends met in the shopping center, chatting, thinking to go to a cafe, then a guy comes up to them and one says to the other, here you are, my new boyfriend. And the second one answers - I think you are coronavirus, I'll go home! The first one asks why? Second - you have clearly lost your taste !!


You can think of something about other situations, for example, about the choice of cars by friends or the choice of some clothes by these girlfriends, etc.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

:drunk: *Why Beer is Better than Women *:drunk:

I’m allowed to complain - about a beer being flat. 

If my lips touch another bottle - my old beer don’t get mad. 

When I’m at a bar - I’m always able to pick-up a Bud Lite. 

And beer looks the same in the morning - as it did on Friday night. 

Beer’s always ready to leave on time - and that’s why beer’s never late. 
 
And when I want to swap beers - my old beer won’t take half my estate. 
 
A world where I could just date beer - would just be great. 

The song with music - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkJdwtnIaAs


----------



## ironhorse

Poppy said:


> LOL... literally laughing out loud.
> 
> What is a skyhook? used for?



I was never told exactly what it was for, but we always needed it when working on the roof.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A skyhook is sort of a theoretical device seen in spy movies when someone sends up a balloon attached to a cable connected to a person harnessed in. A hook and cable are dragged behind a plane, hook the balloon and cable and carry the spy away. I don't think it works well in real life.

Skyhook is also a brand for a crane. (Be careful telling someone to bring a skyhook if they have connections with a crane company.)


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Hispanics were polled to determine their views on illegal immigration. It turns out about half of them were on the fence.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

They replied - Todos los humanos son legales.


----------



## bykfixer




----------



## 5S8Zh5

An older gentleman getting on in years had spent decades polishing his jokes and practicing them at parties. One night, at a cocktail party, he met a nice older lady. They really hit it off and went out for coffee later that week.

During their date, the man started telling his jokes. He was notorious for his puns, and it was obvious to the lady as to why. They were absolutely brilliant, well timed, dry, and always seemed to fit the moment perfectly. His puns always made her smile.

One day she read in the newspaper that people could enter up to ten puns in a joke contest with a grand prize of $10,000. She couldn't wait until later that day when she would see him so she could tell him. When they met, she convinced the man to enter the contest, as surely he would win.

The man spent hours trying to write his best puns. After gleaning his list many times with the lady, they finally decided which ten puns he would submit.

Weeks later a letter announcing the results of the contest finally came. The man excitedly opened it. Slowly his eyes scanned the page until he quietly folded the paper back up and placed it on the table. He looked crushed. The lady asked nervously - Did you win?

The man looked at her and quietly muttered - No pun in ten did.


----------



## greenpondmike

Did you hear about the blonde that discovered that they could use "right guard" under their left arm?


----------



## greenpondmike

A blonde found out they done spent all their money and they wanted more, so they grab this kid and sends him home with a note saying "I just kidnapped your child and if you want him back put $10,000 in a bag and leave the bag behind the biggest rock at the park by 4pm the next day- signed, a blonde". So the next day the blonde goes and checks and there is the bag with all the money in it and also a note saying " how could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


----------



## greenpondmike

I don't know if this is true or not, but a friend of mine told me back when he was a youngster living in Florida he was in this pet shop that had a parrot in it. He was looking around and there was this lady that was doing something not far from the parrot cage. The parrot starts saying random lewd comments at her and every time she turned around the parrot was just setting there on their perch like they were innocent and my friend got the blame. I don't remember what that lady did to him. That was told to me probably in the early 80s, so I do good to remember what I just wrote. He said he tried to tell her the bird said all that, but she didn't believe him.


----------



## bigburly912

I’d believe it. There is one in pigeon forge at the Christmas shop that will only talk to you when you don’t pay it attention. It doesn’t say or do anything rude but if you put him on the spot he will hiss at you haha


----------



## greenpondmike

Birds are way smarter than we give them credit for.


----------



## bigburly912

Look up “bird catches fish in koi pond” on youtube


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Guy walks up to a hot woman at a bar and says - You must be Australian.

No, why?

Because you meet all my koalafications.


----------



## Poppy

greenpondmike said:


> I don't know if this is true or not, but a friend of mine told me back when he was a youngster living in Florida he was in this pet shop that had a parrot in it. He was looking around and there was this lady that was doing something not far from the parrot cage. The parrot starts saying random lewd comments at her and every time she turned around the parrot was just setting there on their perch like they were innocent and my friend got the blame. I don't remember what that lady did to him. That was told to me probably in the early 80s, so I do good to remember what I just wrote. He said he tried to tell her the bird said all that, but she didn't believe him.


Mike, are you thinking of this one?

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.
Each time he brings a lady into his house, the bird acts up; he is embarrassed, and the lady is insulted and leaves.
Finally, in a moment of frustration, he grabs the parrot by the neck, gives him a good shaking, and throws the parrot into the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. Feeling guilty, the young man opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I promise I'll never act like that again!"

The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Last nigh I came across a self administrated COVID test. 

Pour three fingers of your favorite spirits in a glass. If you can smell it, you're half way there. 

Drink it and if you can taste it, you don't have the virus. 

Loss of smell and taste are two of the symptoms. 

I tested myself three times last night, just to be sure. I was negative every time. 

I'm going to test myself again tonight. I have a monster headache and that's another one of the signs. 

~ Cg:drunk:


----------



## greenpondmike

Bigburly, I looked and couldn't find anything typing in those words, but there was some herons and a kingfisher catching fish.
That's a good one Poppy, but the one my friend told me sounded like an actual experience. He was known though in his younger years if he saw a lizard, by the time he finished telling about it the lizard was as big as a dinosaur.
I like that episode where that cockatoo latches onto Nile's head and then at the dinner party repeats what he heard Fraser and Niles say earlier in private.


----------



## bigburly912

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UNTw7GH325U

Here’s one such video. There are several


----------



## greenpondmike

bigburly912 said:


> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UNTw7GH325U
> 
> Here’s one such video. There are several



Hey, that was neat! I like that


----------



## Monocrom

+1
That was a great video. Gone Fishing....


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he still made the cast.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were considering merging into one company. They decided against it, and not because they are being investigated by Congress. It turns out that YouTwitFace didn't poll well in focus groups.


----------



## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he still made the cast.



Okay, that was a good one.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Saw this on another site today -

The Merriam-Webster word of the day for December 5 is "Incandescent" as in "Beer incandescent taste the same as draft"


----------



## Poppy

LOL how appropriate for the CPF site!


----------



## 5S8Zh5

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?


Hailing taxis.


----------



## bykfixer

A rancher and a vaquaro were next to each other in a bar. The rancher asked "what kind of ranch do you have?" The vaquaro replied "I own a 50 acre goat farm". 

The rancher replied "I can leave my house at sunrise and drive until sunset before I reach my front gate". 

The vaquaro replied "I used to have a truck like that too"……

Buh-dum-shpeeeeee 
Don't forget to tip your waiter.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

What do you call a paper airplane that won't fly?

Stationery.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

An Indian woman hitchhiking back to the Rez in the middle of the night was picked up by a white woman.


The Indian woman says - what are you doing out on the road this late?


She points to a brown paper bag and says - I got this bottle of wine for my husband.


Good trade.


----------



## bykfixer

Over heard

One time my dad took me hunting. We saw a sign that said "bear left" so we went home……


----------



## 5S8Zh5

My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full..., with either rum, vodka or whiskey.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

My New Year's resolution is 1920x1080.


----------



## greenpondmike

.....


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

New Year's Fears


----------



## orbital

bykfixer said:


> Over heard
> 
> One time my dad took me hunting. We saw a sign that said "bear left" so we went home……



+

another way to look at this one:


== _One time my dad took me hiking. We saw a sign that said "bear right" so we left._


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Man smashes index finger in car door and is in great pain. On the other hand, he's fine.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

5S8Zh5 said:


> Man smashes index finger in car door and is in great pain. On the other hand, he's fine.



On the other hand, there's more fingers.


----------



## Katherine Alicia

if it`s zero degrees outside, and tomorrow it`ll be twice as cold, what will the temperature be?


----------



## Empath

Katherine Alicia said:


> if it`s zero degrees outside, and tomorrow it`ll be twice as cold, what will the temperature be?



Of course it ruins the joke, but it will be necessary to convert whichever scale you use to kelvin, calories, BTU or something quantifying. It's otherwise just a point on a scale.


----------



## bykfixer

Katherine Alicia said:


> if it`s zero degrees outside, and tomorrow it`ll be twice as cold, what will the temperature be?


Max-chilly


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Katherine Alicia said:


> if it`s zero degrees outside, and tomorrow it`ll be twice as cold, what will the temperature be?



Cold enough. I went to take a iss outside, but left behind the frozen P.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender - Do you have any jobs?


Why don’t you try the circus?


Why would the circus need a bartender?


----------



## KITROBASKIN

Dear Algebra,
PLEASE STOP ASKING US TO FIND YOUR x 

SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK
AND DON'T ASK y


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Charles ****ens walked into a bar. "I'll have a martini," he said.
Bartender: Olive or twist?


----------



## Burgess

" I hate Victor Hugo ! " said Les Miserably.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

I told my wife her underwear was far too tight and revealing; she told me to shut up and just wear my own.


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Dave was bragging to his boss one day - You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?

No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. Dave and his boss fly to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door.

Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else.

The U.S. President.

Yup, old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.

Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope.

Sure, I’ve known the Pope for years.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says - This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

What happened?

It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said - Who is that on the balcony with Dave?


----------



## Lucciola

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

4 out of 3 people have trouble with math.


----------



## raggie33

PhotonWrangler said:


> 4 out of 3 people have trouble with math.


1.3333333333333333333333333333333333333


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

At a party, my brother asked me what the bottle of lemonade was for. I told him it was a suppository.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Why shouldn't you brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better


----------



## 5S8Zh5

Two bees met on the street one day. One said to the other - The weather has been cold wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey.

No problem - said the first bee. Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

Thanks for the tip.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked - How did it go?

Great. It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and such huge floral arrangements on everytable.

What's that thing on your head?

That's my yarmulke I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.


----------



## greenpondmike

My wife and I were at my mother in law's one night and my mother in law saw a dollar general bag just laying there and she said "what's that bag doing there?" I took advantage of the situation and said: "that's your daughter". I like getting my mother in law's goat. 😂

Ps. I miss those animated smilies.


----------



## greenpondmike




----------



## greenpondmike




----------



## greenpondmike




----------



## greenpondmike

I don't watch the simsons, but I came across the knowledge of this short video and I checked it out. It'll make you laugh now and giggle hours later- at least it did me.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?

She gave birth to a litter of mittens


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

I found the solution to stop car thefts and crime, and it can help fix our doctor and nurse shortages too.


----------



## Poppy

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A BirdPathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "*Cah!!*", not a single one could shout "Truck."


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Lol! That was a long walk but worth it.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Here's a bad lip reading from Empire Strikes Back:


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A chemist accidentally froze himself at -273.15C. Don't worry though, he's 0K.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner




----------



## PhotonWrangler

I don't normally brag about going to expensive places, but I just came from the gas station.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

PhotonWrangler said:


> I don't normally brag about going to expensive places, but I just came from the gas station.


 
^ I'm alternately laughing and crying at that joke.


----------



## bykfixer




----------



## desert.snake

A visitor comes to a brothel - scary, already horror! You won't even look at this without a shudder of the heart. But what to do! And madam sends a girl to him. After a couple of minutes, the girl flies out of the room like a bullet and literally flies down the stairs, wailing on the go: "Horror! Horror! Horror!".

Then Madame sends a second girl to him. A minute or two later, the scene repeats itself: the girl almost falls head over heels down the stairs, whispering in fear: "Horror! Horror! Horror!"

Madame sends a third girl to him, but the outcome is the same: "Horror! Horror! Horror!"

What to do! The client's wishes are the law. And Madame goes to him herself. The girls huddled downstairs with fear, waiting for what was about to happen. But two minutes pass, five minutes, ten, fifteen ... In the end, after twenty minutes, Madame leaves the room, victoriously descends the stairs and turns to her work team: "Well, what?! Well, yes! Well, horror! But not "horror-horror-horror"!


----------



## Sadsack

I went online to Kelley Blue book today to check the value of my pick up truck and they asked if the gas tank was empty or full.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

I tried bringing home the bacon, but the pig just wouldn’t cooperate.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Why is the Queen able to move so freely about the chessboard? 

Because the chessboard looks so much like a kitchen floor.


----------



## bykfixer




----------



## Skier

bykfixer said:


> View attachment 25787


...alt version...Tennis Ball


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Our dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get checked out.

No word yet.


----------



## chip100t

I just found out one of my friends was rushed to hospital with a vacuum cleaner stuck up his butt. When I rang a nurse said he was picking up well.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

I had a friend who said he broke his toe tripping over the vacuum cleaner. I told him, “that sucks.”


----------



## knucklegary

If prisoners could take their own mug shots they'd be called Cellfies


----------



## Ropetangler

PhotonWrangler said:


> Our dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get checked out.
> 
> No word yet.


And I thought that the punchline was going to be the "The vet was lost for words"


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Ropetangler said:


> And I thought that the punchline was going to be the "The vet was lost for words"


 
"No vowel movement, yet."


----------



## Burgess

Chauncey Gardiner said:


> "No vowel movement, yet."



This COULD spell DISASTER !


----------



## knucklegary

CONSTIPATION = 16 PTS


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.


----------



## bykfixer




----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

^ Tin Man's bathroom.


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

bykfixer said:


> View attachment 26760


Well, it can seal up that crack, but your plumbing is bound to get backed up. T.p. is the better option for sure.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

One of my life goals is to finish a tube of Chapstick before losing it. Baby steps.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

Did you hear about the sale at the Lego store? People were lined up for blocks


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

Due to supply chain issues and inability to keep up with demand for chicken breasts, legs, thighs, and wings, stores decided to cut out the middle man and sell live poultry. So far it’s working out great. The chickens are flying off the shelves.


----------



## thermal guy

A woman can run faster with her dress up then a man can with his pants down 😂. That’s a life lesson right there


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

In this week's weather in Tuscon, Arizona it was raining flying trampolines followed by several power outages. 



Next week calls for swarms of locusts and raining cats and dogs. Don't step in a poodle.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

It works!!


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

I was at Stater Bros the other day. One of the restrooms had a sign saying it had a baby changing area. The other restroom had a sign for a baby hanging area. This was in California. So many punchlines that will get me in trouble. I’ll have to leave it at that.


----------



## PhotonWrangler

We discovered that there's a bird's nest in our yard. We heard about it via twitter


----------



## bykfixer

PhotonWrangler said:


> We discovered that there's a bird's nest in our yard. We heard about it via twitter


Buh-dum-shpeeeeee


----------



## knucklegary

Why is Peter Pan always flying.. 
Because he Neverland's..


----------



## bykfixer

I have a dad bod.
It's called a father figure


----------



## bykfixer

What did 0 say to 8?
That belt looks great on you. 

I feel sad for the calender. Its days are numbered.
Buh-dum-shpeeee


----------



## PhotonWrangler

I got fired from the calendar factory just for taking a day off


----------



## kaichu dento

PhotonWrangler said:


> I got fired from the calendar factory just for taking a day off


LoL!!


----------



## bykfixer

One night an elephant and an ant made love. 
Next morning the ant wakes to find the elephant dead.
"dawg gonnit" the ant says. "One night of passion and now I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave". 

Frank Furillo on Hill Street Blues season 1.


----------



## bykfixer

These two old baseball players Harry and Lou made a pact to communicate with each other in the afterlife. Harry passed away. One night he woke up Lou during the night. Lou says "Harry is that you?" Harry says "yup". Lou says "do they play baseball in Heaven?" Harry says "why yes. I've got good news and bad news, the good news is we play baseball everyday, the bad news is you're pitching tomorrow night". 

Frank Furillo on Hill Street Blues season 2.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

bykfixer said:


> One night an elephant and an ant made love.
> Next morning the ant wakes to find the elephant dead.
> "dawg gonnit" the ant says. "One night of passion and now I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave".
> 
> Frank Furillo on Hill Street Blues season 1.


The ramifications are deep.


----------



## PhotonWrangler




----------



## Hooked on Fenix

bykfixer said:


> I have a dad bod.
> It's called a father figure


People say I’m not in shape. I tell them, “Yes I am. Round is a shape.”


----------



## Monocrom

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Lawyer find themselves in a Lifeboat after the cruise ship they were on; sunk. A shark comes swimming along, intentionally tips the Lifeboat over. Then proceeds to devour two of the men. But he leaves the Lawyer completely untouched, before swimming away. The reason?.... Professional Courtesy.


----------



## bykfixer

Bud-dum shpeeeeeeeeee


----------



## Hooked on Fenix

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The lawyer walks away drunk with a girl on his arm. The Catholic Priest walks away carrying a bottle of wine for Communion. The Rabbi walks away holding the lump on his head saying, “I should’ve ducked.”


----------



## PhotonWrangler

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'


----------



## knucklegary

A priest, a lawyer and a young boy were in a airplane that was about to crash, yet they only had 2 parashutes. 
The lawyer proclaimed he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took one of the shutes and jumped..
The preist looks at the young boy, reflecting back on his life, told the boy to take the last chute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life..
The boy replied: "You can have the other shute because the smartest man on the plane just jumped out with my book bag"


----------



## bykfixer

Doh!!



One day God visited Adam in the garden of Eden. He said "how's it going Adam?" Adam says "well I'm lonely, how about a companion?" 
Next day Eve shows up. 
A couple of days later God popped back in and asked Adam "wutcha think?" Adam says "oh man I have some questions if you don't mind". God says "fire away".
Adam says "why did you make her so curvey?" God said "so you'd like her".
"Why is her hair so soft and smooth?" 
"So you'd like her".
"Why does she smell so good?" 
"So you'd like her".
"Why is she not too bright?" 
"So she'd like you"
Buh-dum shpeeeee


----------



## Poppy

So a Priest, a Rabbii, and an Atheist decide to go fishing.

The three of them row out in a little boat, and once out there, they realize that they left their poles on the beach, and the priest said... "No problem, I'll go get them." and he jumps overboard, and walks to the beach and comes back with the poles, hooks, lines and sinkers. 

The Atheist is astonished; did he just walk on the water?

On no... now they realize that they have no bait, so the Rabbi said, "no problem, I'll go to shore and dig up some worms, I'll be right back." He too, just walks across the water, and comes back with worms from the shore.

Of course the Atheist can't believe his eyes, but... incredible!!!

Now it is lunch time, and they realize that they left the cooler on the beach. The priest looks at the Rabbi, and together they look at the Atheist. The Atheist thinks if these two can walk on walter, so can I! So he jumps overboard, and just about drowns! He though manages to swim to shore, and work his way back with the cooler full of sandwiches, and sacrificial wine. On his way back, the Rabbi says to the Priest - " Should we tell him where the rocks are?"


----------



## Poppy

Hooked on Fenix said:


> I heard a similar joke.


It seems that there is often a multiple of variations of good jokes. They are particularly funny when the punch line is unexpected. Unfortunately for me, when I was in High School we had a two period chemistry lab class once a week; my little group typically was able to complete the experiment during the first period, and then went to the cafeteria for ice cream sandwiches during the break. We then had the whole second period to flirt with the girls, and tell jokes. 

It became important to me to learn some jokes, and remember the punch line so that I could participate. Over time, I heard and told so many jokes, that it is rare for me to hear one that I haven't already heard a variation of it, and I can anticipate the ending before the story teller is finished telling the story.

I thought that one about jumping out of the plane with a back-pack was cute.


----------



## Chauncey Gardiner

Poppy, Stop reading if you've heard this one.

Three guys had been quietly fishing for a spell when one of them shared - "My wife made me clean the garage as a condition of being able to come today." About 15 minutes later another guy sighed and confessed - "My wife made paint the laundry room." 30 minutes had passed sans a spoken word when the two guys started casting glances at the third. After another 30 minutes, one of the first guys asked - "Well, what'd your wife say when you told her we were going on this trip?" The third guy ever so slightly shrugged his shoulders and replied - "The only thing she said was - "Don't forget your sunblock." 

The three fishermen were quiet for another hour or so when finally one of them just had to ask - "Really? Your wife didn't make you do anything to be able to come fishing?! How come?" 

"Well guys, I didn't tell my wife we were planning this trip a month ago. Matter of fact I only brought it up this morning at 3 am. I gently woke her and asked "Sex or fishing?" She rolled over and said - "Don't forget your sunblock."


----------



## Monocrom

Four high school friends reunite for a meal and some drinks. The first one shows up in a brand new Chevy Spark. The second one, in a Lexus. 3rd guy arrives in a 20 year-old Ford Taurus barely running. The last seems to walk in off the sidewalk. Eventually they talk about their lives.

Spark talks about how he was lucky to get a good deal on his new ride because it's a manual in an unpopular color. Plans to use it as his work truck at the construction site. Tells them all about how his wife left him and he was stuck paying alimony. Ford Taurus says Spark is lucky. His wife left him too, and took both their children with him since he struggled holding down a job, no matter how hard he tried. Now he has to pay alimony and child-support. She let him keep the Taurus because she wants him to have a car for driving to work, so he can pay all that alimony and child-support.

Last guy admits he's been divorced four times. Can't seem to learn his lesson. Wants to find everlasting love. Admits he's about to be thrown out of his apartment. The other three all donate money to help him out. With Lexus donating the most. The others look at him and marvel at his ride in the parking lot, and his generosity. They comment how wonderful it is that at least one of them became a huge success. But he admits he just works a blue-collar job, has no career, and bought the Lexus Used, from a neighbor who owned it for 5 years. But, no worries; he has money saved up.

The guy who walked in, asks if Lexus' wife has a sister. Lexus replies: _"Oh, I've never been married; and don't have any kids."_

His friends envy him.


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## bykfixer

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie to Pooh have in common?
The same middle name. 

A grandmother was telling her grand daughter "I think I'm out of shape so I signed up for a fitness class". The grand daughter asked how it went.
The grandmother said "I bent, twisted, jumped, gyrated and sweated for an hour and by the time I got my leotard on the class was over".

Three old guys are walking on a sidewalk. The first one says "it's windy today". The second one says "no it's Thursday". The third one says "I'm thirsty too".

When you're 20 and drop something you bend over and pick it up. When you're 80 you decide you don't need it anymore.

And finally:
The great thing about being old is a joke can be funny more than once.


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## knucklegary

Ba-Dum..Tsss!


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## Poppy

This joke was written back in the day when Polish people were stereotyped as stupid, and often carpenters or wood workers.

It just so happened that this one day a Polish Carpenter was walking home and noticed a few Italians were struggling near a flag pole. He asked "What are you doing?" One replied, "we are trying to measure the height of this flag pole, but as we get near the top, my ruler bends over, so we can't measure the height."

With that the Carpenter pulls his hammer off of his belt, bends over and knocks the pin out, at the bottom of the pole. Now with the pole lying on the ground, he pulls out his ruler, and says... "It's 22 feet long."

One Italian turns to the other and says, "Stupid Pollack! I ask the for height... he gives me the length!"


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## bykfixer

A coworker once told pollock jokes every day. He was of Poland desent. Yet if a non Pol told a Pollock joke he'd get all mad-like. With that said:


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## PhotonWrangler

How do you boil oil?

Add a B.


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## bykfixer

What do you call bears without ears?

B


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## PhotonWrangler

bykfixer said:


> What do you call bears without ears?
> 
> B


Beary funny


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## Hooked on Fenix

Two guys are out fishing on a lake. One keeps pulling in fish left and right. The other hasn’t caught a single fish. The guy with no fish asks the other guy, “What’s your secret to catching all those fish?”
The guy with his mouth closed says, “M mmmm mm mmmm mmmm.”
The other guy asks, “What?”
He responds again, “M mmmm mm mmmm mmmm.”
Again the other guy asks, “What?”
He pulls something out of his mouth and says, “I keep my worms warm.”


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## Monocrom

Dr. Finch had studied hard. He opened up his practice in a busy town. Needing a new sign for the office space he'd rented, he told the painter that it should say his name and title. Followed by the word, "Therapist."

The painter finished. The good doctor paid him, but was too busy to check the man's work. In less than an hour, an angry mob had gathered outside. Puzzled, the good doctor went out to speak to them. It was then that he noticed his new sign. The painter had left a space in between the "e" and the "r."

{Old Benny Hill joke, used in a sketch.}


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## bykfixer

So Einstein and this Indian guy were sitting next to each other on a train and began to converse. The Indian guy says "you know everything". Einstein says "lets have a contest, I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Ask me a question and if I don't know I pay you $500." 
"Fair enough" says the Indian guy.

"I'll start" says Einstein, "how far is it to the moon?" The Indian guy says "I don't know", reaches in his pocket and hands Einstein $5 and says "my turn". 

"What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?" Einstein says "I don't know", reaches in his pocket and hands the Indian guy $500. Then he says to the Indian guy "my turn, but first please tell me what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with four?" 

The Indian guy says "I don't know", reaches in his pocket and hands Einstein $5.....


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## PhotonWrangler

Battery chargers are re-volting


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## bykfixer

Three old guys are sitting on a park bench begin having a discussion. 
The first says "geez would I like to be able to have a good strong #1 anymore". 
The second guys says "I'd sure like to have a solid #2 for a change". 
The third guy says "well I have #1 like a fire hose and #2 like mount saint helen."
The first guy says "well what are you complaining about?" 
The third guy says "that's at 7:35am and I don't get out of bed until 9."


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## Dave_H

There are only three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't....


Dave


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## Dave_H

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone so people could call their mothers on Mother's Day.

Therefore, mother was the necessity of invention.

Dave


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## PhotonWrangler

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

Seriously, think about it - when was the last time you ate a monkey?


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## Dave_H

In the NHL when New Jersey wins over Ottawa, too bad for the Senators fans...besides, the "details are in the Devils".

Dave


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## Monocrom

Man walks into a Bar, sits down, orders a beer, finishes it, pays up; and leaves. Doesn't acknowledge anyone else in the place. The lawyer, the doctor, the Shark, the Jew, the African Warlord, the gay biker, and the little person cowboy, along with the alien astronaut; all feel greatly offended. The 800 pound Gorilla in the room doesn't seem to care though.

_"Meh, I'm used to it."_


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## PhotonWrangler

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes a parent.


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## PhotonWrangler

Today is National Cliche Day.

Whatever


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## PhotonWrangler

A man went to the airport check-in terminal. As he placed his bags on the scale he told the attendant "Ok, now I want you to send one of these bags to Denver, one to Chicago and one to Toledo."

"I'm sorry sir, we can't do that" said the attendant.

"Why not? You did it last time!"


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## bykfixer

Two gentlemen arrived at the Pearly Gates. One a pastor, one a politician. St Peter said "gentlemen, nice to see you". He says "we have a fine place for each of you ready to go, just follow me".

He continues "first Mr Pastor let me show you your new home". He shows him a nice little one room home with a table, a chair and a reading lamp. "Thank you sir" said the pastor.

He shows the politician his new home next. A multi room mansion with servants and lots of beautiful accessories. "Here you go" he says. The politician says "now wait a second, how come such an honorable man received such a humble abode and I receive such decadence?" St Peter pauses and says "sir we have thousands of pastors already but you're the first politician to make it here".


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## Hooked on Fenix

Three guys die in a drunk driving accident. They appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Peter says, “Since it’s Christmastime, if you hand me something Christmas related, I’ll let you in.” The first guy pulls out a lighter, uses it, and says, “It’s a candle.” Peter lets him in. The second guy takes out his keys and shakes them. He says, “They’re bells.” Peter let’s him in. The third guy pulls out red women’s bikini cut underwear from his pocket. He says, “They’re Carol’s”.


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## bykfixer

What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.


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## bykfixer

A bull and a pheasant were grazing a field. The pheasant looked up at the top of a tree and said "oh there was a time when I could reach the top of that tree".The bull replied "you can get to the top of the tree, just eat some of my dung and you'll reach it in a fortnight". The pheasant said "oh come on what kind of rubbish is that?" The bull said "really, just try it and you'll see. All of humanity is on it". So the peasant started pecking on the dung and sure enough in a fortnight he found himself at the top of the tree. He was just beginning to enjoy the scenery when an old farmer pulled out his shotgun and shot the pheasant.

Moral of the story; bull**** can get you to the top but it never lets you stay there.


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## Dave_H

PhotonWrangler said:


> Today is National Cliche Day.
> 
> Whatever


I don't like cliches, and try to avoid them 24/7 like the plague.

Dave


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## Dave_H

bykfixer said:


> What do you call bears without ears?
> 
> B


I've tried this one around and getting lots of mileage from it....thanks. Some get it right away, others not so quickly if at all.

Dave


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## Dave_H

bykfixer said:


> What's blue and not very heavy?
> Light blue.


Or "Blue Light"? (Labatt beer)

Reminds me of a supposed case where a guy driving a very heavy truck carrying lights, which was painted white, saw a
road-sign "light trucks only" and decided to proceed...

Dave


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## Monocrom

A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi were stuck on a Lifeboat after the cruise ship they were on; sank. Along came a shark, tipped the boat over; and ate them! Well, except for the lawyer. No, the shark wasn't full. Just a case of showing professional courtesy to his own kind.


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## Poppy

A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist decide to go fishing.
They row their boat a ways from shore, and realize that they left the bait on shore.
The Priest says... "I'll get it." He jumps overboard and walks to shore, and returns with the bait.
The Atheist is shocked to see this "man of the cloth" walk on water!

Not too much time goes by before it is lunch time, and lunch was left on the beach. The Rabbi says, "I'll get it." He jumps over the side of the boat and walks to shore.

Again the Atheist is stunned,

When the Rabbi returns, he said, "I brought the sandwiches back, but couldn't manage the cooler with the drinks in it too."

They both looked at the Atheist. He figured, Oh Well! And jumped overboard. Straight to the bottom he went. Fortunately it was only 6 feet deep. He swam to shore, and struggled getting the cooler to float, as he pulled it towards the boat.

Both men of the cloth watched the Atheist struggle with a smirk on their faces. 

One turned to the other and asked... "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"


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## bykfixer

A woman came home from church to find a burglar inside stealing her belongings. She hollered "stop! Acts 2:38". That is a verse that says "repent and be baptized". The burglar froze. She called the police. While the policeman was handcuffing the burglar he asked "why did you freeze when she cited Bible scripture?" The burlar replied "Bible scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and 2-38's"


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## PhotonWrangler

An encyclopedia is like a printed copy of Google


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## Dave_H

You can tune a piano...but can you tuna fish?

Dave


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## bykfixer

A man approaches a farmer and asks "can I cross your field? I need to catch the 4:23 train". 
The farmer said "go ahead and if my bull sees you, you might make the 4:11 train".


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## knucklegary

"I spilled spot remover on my dog.. now he's gone"


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## fulee9999

guys we seriously need a serious-face-nose-exhale-chuckling-inside emoji for this thread 

also, to be ontopic as well:

Why does dracula always bite people in the neck? 


Spoiler



Because he's a neck romancer


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## Dave_H

"I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Dave


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## ironhorse

There is a blind man nearby that is a furniture and cabinet builder. He works in his shop with power tools that could cut a limb off easily. It freaks people out at first, him working with power tools with no lights on.


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## Chauncey Gardiner

Prosthetics are expensive - They want an arm or a leg for one.


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## PhotonWrangler

It's so cold I saw a guy in a red suit trying to jump start a reindeer.


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## PhotonWrangler

I searched for Google on Google. I wound up in a parallel dimension


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## Monocrom

PhotonWrangler said:


> I searched for Google on Google. I wound up in a parallel dimension


Whatever you do, don't eat the cake. It's still a lie. 🎂


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