# EVIL Blimps



## DavidW (Feb 27, 2003)

*A good story found on BFC and elsewhere...*

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp. 

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal! 

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together. 

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter. 

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries. 

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling. 

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. 

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly. 

Let's face it, blimps are fun. 

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous. 

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises. 

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. 

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed. 

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again. 

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you. 

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time. 

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness. 

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. 

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. 

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!! 

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster. 

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. 

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation. 

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear. 

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces. 

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. 

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.) 

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. 

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had. 

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. 

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep. 


*** 

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached. 

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her. 

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am. 

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. 

Some blimps are better off dead.


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## Aeryk (Feb 27, 2003)

OMG...I havent laughed that hard in months...I just have to say thank you...I really needed that, lol

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Aeryk


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## DieselDave (Feb 27, 2003)

Very, very funny. 
Thanks.


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## James S (Feb 27, 2003)

I am still crying! LOL and thank you for the story!

I will be thinking about that and laughing for a long time. It brings to mind another story I read last year sometime. It had a headline about the dangers of breathing helium. That attracted my attention, since they only real danger is forgetting to breathe any real air and passing out.

Turns out that fellow gave himself a pnumothorax (spelling? I'm not a doctor, but I like to play doctor) by taking a hit directly off the tank and basically popping his lungs off the high pressure tank! So make sure you only take hits off the balloon and not off the tank /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Thanks again!


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## Silviron (Feb 27, 2003)

Wow! Great story /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I'm glad it wasn't me. There would have been a few .451 inch diameter holes in the blimp and some somewhat larger ones in the roof.

Thanks for sharing the story /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/popcorn.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbsup.gif


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## Rothrandir (Feb 27, 2003)

haven't laughed that hard in months?!?

i haven't laughed that hard <font color="red"> * ever! * </font>

that was just plain halarious!!!!!!!


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## papasan (Feb 27, 2003)

great story! laughing out loud, haven't read anything this funny for a loooong while.


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## Wolfen (Feb 28, 2003)

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif


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## Sigman (Feb 28, 2003)

I hope you don't keep loaded guns too close to you at night! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif 

Seriously, entertaining - but could indeed have had a bad ending! (How many years of life did you lose?) /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif


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## SilverFox (Feb 28, 2003)

*HO HO HA HA He He, I\'ve got to go P*

Hello David,

I just finished reading this story to my wife. We were laughing so hard we started to cry. I had to run to the bathroom prior to posting this reply.

We are glad that everyone survived the night.

Someone should contact the manufacturer about offering a teather as an accessory.

Tom


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## Charles Bradshaw (Feb 28, 2003)

*Re: HO HO HA HA He He, I\'ve got to go P*

Fortunately I didn't laugh hard enough to get cramps (happens to me). I printed this thread out for my mom to read.


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## Lighthouse (Feb 28, 2003)

Very enjoyable read!


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## rrtanton (Feb 28, 2003)

I WANT ONE! This is too cool. The ability to scare someone that badly, especially at night...hm...wonder if it'll bear the weight of a dangling LED...or maybe some glow-paint eyes...

rusty


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## PlayboyJoeShmoe (Feb 28, 2003)

I was asked from the other room "what are you laughing at?" I choked out "something I'm reading online".

I don't think I've laughed THAT hard in years!

When you write a book, I WANT one!!!!


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## Josh (Mar 1, 2003)

That is so funny I almost shot milk out my nose,LMFAO!!!!


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## logicnerd411 (Mar 1, 2003)

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

DO you know if Zany Brainys nationwide have this sale? I gotta get one...


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## Anarchocap (Mar 2, 2003)

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! (I had to get out of bed because I almost woke my wife up!) Life is so wonderful when it conspires to provide us with events such as these!


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## Burgess (Mar 20, 2008)

Truly a Priceless Story !


Thank you for sharing it with us. :thumbsup:



You've *gotta'* sell that one to Hollywood !


:twothumbs


(BTW, i've just revived a 5-year-old thread)
_


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## Icarus (Mar 20, 2008)

:wow:What a great story!  ... :laughing: ... :laughing: ... :laughing: ... :twothumbs


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## Nitro (Mar 20, 2008)

Burgess said:


> (BTW, i've just revived a 5-year-old thread)


 
It wasn't until after I read the entire story, that I noticed it was 5 years old. :shakehead

Great story though! :thumbsup:


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## PhotonWrangler (Mar 20, 2008)

:lolsign: David, that was SO funny! You have a real talent for writing and storytelling, not to mention humor! heeheehee...


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## LED_Thrift (Mar 20, 2008)

Stories this good should be revived. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Thanks for sharing it. 

Thanks for dredging this one back to life Burgess.


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## shroomy (Mar 20, 2008)

Wow, that was great, thanks Burgess, I'd missed it the first time around.


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## fnmag (Mar 20, 2008)

David, you have a great way with words. Very funny. :thumbsup:


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## jugg2 (Mar 20, 2008)

Wow, that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Thanks for sharing that!


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## unnerv (Mar 21, 2008)

I forget the authors name, but he used to write for a ezine called Teemings,I believe, which was a spin off of a forum connected the Straight Dope website

http://www.straightdope.com/

It is no longer around, but the author was probably one of the best writers that I have read in a long time. Very philisophical in a down to earth every man way.


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## unnerv (Mar 21, 2008)

I just found the website that hosts a lot of the Authors original articles/stories if anyone is interested.

http://www.straightdope.com/teemings/extras/index.html

The Authors psuedonym was Scylla, and the original story was called the Horror of Blimps. By far one of my all time favorites.


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## SilverFox (Mar 21, 2008)

Hello Unnerv,

Excellent find. I look forward to reading more of Scylla's writing.

Tom


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## csshih (Mar 17, 2009)

aughAHAHAHAHAH!!!

bump for the funniest story ever!


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## AMD64Blondie (Mar 17, 2009)

5-year-old thread or not,that is quite funny...
I'm giggling at the image of you swatting madly at the blimp as it glides past in the dark.


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## Sgt. LED (Mar 17, 2009)

Oh poop, my ribs!......................


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## csshih (Mar 17, 2009)

see? told ya so!

hehehhehehehe..this is one of the few threads where I actually laughed out loud!!


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## D.B. (Mar 17, 2009)

Can't....breath....sides.....cramping.....

*wheeeeeeeeeeze*


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## NorCal2500HD (Mar 17, 2009)

THE BEST....i still have tears in my eyes......


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## Patriot (Mar 17, 2009)

ROFL!!!

Funniest read that I've had on CPF for a long time. That was hilarious.

Thanks for posting your experience...lol


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## Helmut.G (Mar 17, 2009)

good thing this thread was revived:twothumbs
I don't know the last time when I had to laugh like that


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## Zeruel (Mar 17, 2009)

This is as funny as the Straight Baller Son thread, if not funnier. HILARIOUS! Very well written I must say.  :laughing:  :laughing:


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## Zeruel (Jun 22, 2010)

Revival bump for a good laugh again.


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## emac (Jun 22, 2010)

JUST GREAT EVERYONE AT WORK THINKS I AM A LOONY NOW BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD AT THIS STORY!!!!!


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## Kestrel (Jun 22, 2010)

Zeruel said:


> Revival bump for a good laugh again.


Thanks for the bump, I loved reading this one the previous time around. :thumbsup:


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## Cataract (Jun 22, 2010)

MWAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks for bumping this up! Good thing I'm alone back here... they already think I'm crazy enough as it is...


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## Batou00159 (Jun 22, 2010)

:laughing::laughing::laughing::mecry:


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## jeeves (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks for the bump.

Made me day.


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## r_x (Jun 22, 2010)

Now that I have caught my breath, great story!


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## cave dave (Jun 27, 2010)

Best
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Cafe'
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Story
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:bow: *EVER!* :bow: 



I can't believe in all the years I've been on CPF I somehow missed this one.


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## cave dave (Jun 27, 2010)

The Stright dope website link above didn't work but a google search found more of the Scylla's work:

http://www.teemings.net/extras/index.html


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## N10 (Jun 27, 2010)

ROFL...lol


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## Kestrel (Mar 1, 2016)

Well, it's been a half-dozen years so I figured I'd put up another revival bump for a classic thread.


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## Tejasandre (Mar 1, 2016)

13 years later...still hilarious.


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## mk2rocco (Mar 1, 2016)

Thanks for bumping this, hilarious story lol.


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## StarHalo (Mar 1, 2016)

Gotta watch out for those blimps..


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## PhotonWrangler (Mar 1, 2016)

Air shark!


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## Wendee (Jul 11, 2016)

LOL!! What a great way to start my day. That story was hilarious! I'm glad that I stumbled onto this thread.


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## Str8stroke (Jul 11, 2016)

Lol. Where did y'all find this jewel. Too funny.
His daughter is 16 now! Wondering how things are going? Looks like people bump this thread every few years. Great find.


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## Kestrel (May 7, 2018)

~2yr revival bump.


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