# Married guys: How did you know she was the one?



## V8TOYTRUCK (Dec 15, 2005)

I just broke it off with a good woman, thing is she wanted to have kids and get married asap. She is 30 and 6 years older than me. While she has been the best gf I've ever had, at 24 I wonder what else is out there. Mainly because there are so many woman at work, some who I think might be better for me...(same age, same career goals, etc) but now I don't know if I made the biggest mistake of my life or is this for the better....

What did it for you guys? How did you know she was the one?

None of my friends are married so I figured I'd ask you guys.


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## TheSteve (Dec 15, 2005)

So far my wife has bought me a U2, an M6 and a TW4-BK - need I say more?

I do think common interests and goals are a good starting point, especially when it comes to having kids - don't do if you're not ready.


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## Beamhead (Dec 15, 2005)

She said Yes...............




OK just kidding, seriously I don't think I knew completely, but after being a rather "busy" young man, when I met and got to know my wife of 22 years now it felt right.





It was not and is not all peaches and cream but we seem to fit. First and foremost she is my best friend. She accepts me for the dip I am. And the more time we spend together the more I realize she is with out a doubt the one.

I don't know if this will give you any indication, or answers but it is what I have come to know for me.

Keep your chin up and your heart open and I am sure you will figure it out.


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## leukos (Dec 15, 2005)

Nothing wrong with marrying an older woman. Just about everyone in our current circle of friends are the same. Our best friends have an age difference of 9 years. I wouldn't let that be a concern, especially if you are mature at 24.

The question and timing of children is something to take seriously. You both need to be of a similar mindset on that. If the idea of having a family seems too soon, then maybe the relationship needs more time before marriage?


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## my name is fake (Dec 15, 2005)

hey

my wife is older than I am...but thats not a problem at all.

basically in my case, we shared a lot of common interest, well not all of my interest ( esp the flashlight one...she's still trying to figure that one out:laughing: ),
so yeah, we clicked pretty well on all levels.

How do I know she;s the one? Thing is, I may never know. But we enjoy each other's company for now and we hope it'll last a long2 time. ( everybody say AWWWWWW....:laughing: )

good luck leukos.


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## AngelEyes (Dec 15, 2005)

If you need to ask "Is she The One for me?" then she is probably not (sorry).

The time will come when that question doesnt even occur to you - that's when you know she's The One!


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## HarryN (Dec 15, 2005)

Interesting question - I asked my Dad the same question about 1 month after I met my wife. That was 26 years ago (married 24). It is not always easy.

We are actually kind of opposites, with areas of overlap - it definitely keeps it interesting. I tell people we "complement" each other. I think she just tells her friends that all men are a PITA, but she puts up with us.

A funny example - we discuss how we are going to vote on a topic - often on opposite sides. By the time we get to the polls, it is not unusual for each of us to vote to the other's original position.

At 30, a woman has to be real serious about kids, or it isn't going to happen at all. I don't think men are ready for kids until after they are about 10. By then you realize that the decision to have them is ok.


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## Luxman (Dec 15, 2005)

AngelEyes said:


> If you need to ask "Is the The One for me?" then she is probably not (sorry).
> 
> The time will come when that question doesnt even occur to you - that's when you know she's The One!


+1 

Also, You need to make sure that YOUR ready..


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## Radio (Dec 15, 2005)

Luxman said:


> +1
> 
> Also, You need to make sure that YOUR ready..


 
Agreed!!!


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## PoliceScannerMan (Dec 15, 2005)

TheSteve said:


> So far my wife has bought me a U2, an M6 and a TW4-BK - need I say more?




:bow: :bow: :bow: :twothumbs :bow: :bow: :bow:


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## James S (Dec 15, 2005)

Age in that range of difference isn't important as long as the people are at the same place in their goals for their life.

If you weren't, and if you can really end it like that then you weren't as in love with her as you're worried about now.

As far as children, nobody is ever "ready" to have them  There is no magical point where you're going to sit down and say "WOW, I'm ready for children!" If you wait till you feel that the time is perfect to have children it will be when you're retired and it will be too late. If you want to have children, and you have a job or means of supporting yourself and the child, and can get the time off to do it then it's the right time to have children.

There are contra indications for having children, like no job or no insurance or no way that you can upgrade your house with an extra bedroom in the next year or so. But there is no single indicator that will tell you when you're ready to have them.

This of course, assumes that you're married and with the right person to be having them with. Cause very little else will stress you out and make you more exhausted than children. If you're already fighting to stay happy with someone then children will not pull you together.

If you feel you can survive having children with someone, THEN you're ready to marry them and at some point later have children. Course, you have no idea just how horrible and wonderful children are  My son right now is trying to choke to death on puzzle pieces, but on the plus side i can sing along with all the songs in Blues Clues...

While there is no point where you can say "OK, NOW lets have kids, our life is perfect and we're ready for them" there is a point when it's too late to have them. It gets more and more dangerous very quickly for both mother and child as she approaches the age of 40. If you wait till 40 then you'll be 56 when they are turning 16. Do you want to be 56 when you're teaching them to drive? DO you want to be approaching retirement just as they are approaching college so that you have to work another 10 years longer than you would to pay it off? All this is dooable, people do this happily, but I get tired just thinking about it 

I'm very glad I didn't have my kids at 16, I would not have coped with the self sacrifice as well, but I'm equally glad we had them when we did. In our case it was also my wife that came to me and told me that she thought it was time to have kids. After some consideration I agreed...

As far as knowing if she's the one. You'll know when you look at a gorgeous co-ed and can think that she's pretty and attractive without wanting to actually meet her  You'll know when you can enjoy being with your girlfriend doing non-relationship things. You'll know when she's your friend who is also more attractive to you than that co-ed


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## twentysixtwo (Dec 15, 2005)

I'd second Angeleye's comment. With my first wife, I was asking myself the same question.....

After a very unhappy 2 years we got divorced. Not too long after I met my wife and had a strong hunch after a month or so. I'm not sure when I knew she was "the one" but I never asked myself if she was - I just "knew"

5 years later, we are very happily marrried....


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## Flying Turtle (Dec 15, 2005)

I knew it when she told me. That was 33 years ago. I think she was right.

Geoff


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## AJ_Dual (Dec 15, 2005)

Even if you do meet "the one", marriage still takes a lot of work. In some ways it will be the hardest thing you ever do. If you're lucky enough to meet someone, and the emotions are overwhelming, and she feels the same, good for you! That is great, and not everybody gets to experience it. Cherish that time and those feelings, you might need them later. Keep in mind, that it's also possible to find a quality person, and _make those feelings happen_ rather than just waiting around for _those feelings to happen to you_.

However, even if you do meet the "perfect woman", and for some unimaginable reason, she feels the same way about you,  marriage is a long haul, and putting up with even the "perfect" person for the rest of your life takes endurance, patience, and dedication. You WILL get angry with her, you WILL get "sick" of her, you WILL occasionally feel a pang of fear in your gut that you're "missing out" with other women. She will feel the same way about you several times during your life together. That's okay, and it's normal. A "good marriage" is not defined by the absence of these feelings/problems, but by how you deal with them.

I have to admit, that when it came to women, the flirty, bippy GIRLS without more than one complete thought in their heads were, and are, the bait that captures my immediate interest. That's what "turns my head", I can't help it. However, people like that are the relationship equivalent of junk food or candy. You can't live off that forever. What I needed was a WOMAN. I found one, and forced myself to look past my superficial interests for deeper qualities such as dedication, motivation, and character. So I pursued her. A year of dating, then a year of being engaged, and another seven years later, I've still got a wife that's a lot better than I probably deserve.

I think a lot of marriages are doomed before they even begin because these days, people don't seem to understand what "sharing your life" with someone really means. It does not just mean "spending a lot of time with that person". It _literaly means_ "sharing your life". You. Yourself. A marriage commitment means that you as a person do not have complete sole ownership of yourself anymore. 

Self centered people who look at a spouse and think they're "in love" only on the basis of how they look, if they impress their friends, or come from the "right background" are probably doomed to failure. You have to literaly examine if you can give yourself to this person and your marriage, and if you think she will give herself to you. 

If you can honestly tell yourself that you can, then she's "the one".

BTW, this all goes double if you want to have kids. Your life isn't yours at all for at least eighteen years then.

Willing to look at it that way has paid off immensely. 

*Audrey & Amelia, 16 months old.*






*Abigail & Alice, 5 months old.*


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## slick228 (Dec 15, 2005)

James S said:


> As far as knowing if she's the one. You'll know when you look at a gorgeous co-ed and can think that she's pretty and attractive without wanting to actually meet her  You'll know when you can enjoy being with your girlfriend doing non-relationship things. You'll know when she's your friend who is also more attractive to you than that co-ed


I couldn’t have said it better myself.


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## bjn70 (Dec 15, 2005)

Additional tidbits...

Look at her value systems, long range goals, religious beliefs.

You have to respect her as well as like and love her. If she does things that you don't respect or that you are ashamed of, that will cause you regrets in the future.


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## scrappy (Dec 15, 2005)

Age is not a concern. I married at 29 my wife was 37. We have some common interests, we're both lawyers... unfortunately that one common thread, leads to a lot of problems with our uncommon interests.

Shes a liberal democrat, I was a staunch Reagan man, she is Catholic, I am jewish, she likes wine, I like beer, she wants to be a partner at her law firm, I could care less what happens at mine (I want to go in house in a large corporation), she wants four kids, I want two.... the list goes on and on and on...

But its the polar opposite nature of our beings that draws us together. Hey if Mary whatever her name is and the ragin cajun can get along, why not...

I knew she was the one after our first conversation.... I made a lame joke, she laughed, i thought "wow a great audience....i need her", and its been five of the best years of my life so far...


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## springnr (Dec 15, 2005)

If ya gotta ask...


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## Lee1959 (Dec 15, 2005)

How did I know she was the right one? I just knew it, there was no mistake. All I wanted to do was be with her, do things with her, talk to her. It really didnt matter what we did, as long as it was together, even sillly stuff like wakling downtown in the snow looking in windows when we could not afford to buy anything. When I was not with her, I was thinking about her. It might sound like obsession, and perhaps it is quite similar, but that was 27 years ago, and I have never regreted it.

That she showed interest and was willing to try things that I loved, even though she was a city girl, made her different than all the rest, and that made me want to extend myself, and open myself up to her interests, which sad to say were more refined than my own  . 

When we talk, there is never your money, or my money, there is our money, we shared everything from the beginning. 

When I think of life without her, it feels incomplete. She has cancer now, and truly, the future to me is a haze. The thoght that yes, she may not recover, it is cancer, even if the best type to have with a high cure rate, makes me feel lost, scared. I find myself sitting up all hours of the night and watching her sleep, almost like I am scared to miss out on one second. 

Maybe a bit like an obsession, but she is what makes me happy, and what makes life worth living, its that simple. Seeing what is in her eyes when she looks at me, and her smile is what happiness is.


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## IsaacHayes (Dec 15, 2005)

AngelEyes said:


> If you need to ask "Is she The One for me?" then she is probably not (sorry).
> 
> The time will come when that question doesnt even occur to you - that's when you know she's The One!



I agree with this. This is probably the easiest way to tell. If you have to keep thinking about it or have doubts about something, then you're not ready/it's not right for you. If you feel 100% comfortable/happy though and can't think of loosing her, well then there ya go...


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## Paul_in_Maryland (Dec 15, 2005)

Ask not, "When I'm with her, how do I feel about her?" but rather, "When I'm with her, how do I feel about me?"

I've read that the best predictor of whether your second marriage will work is, "Do your friends approve of your choice?"


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## Paul_in_Maryland (Dec 15, 2005)

TheSteve said:


> So far my wife has bought me a U2, an M6 and a TW4-BK - need I say more?


Um, does she have a sister?


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## greenLED (Dec 15, 2005)

You just kinda "know". 

Women's "biological alarm clock" goes off at different time than men's. At least that's what I've seen with friends and expericenced myself, YMMV -I also know couples where it's the other way around. It took years for me to really want to have a baby; my wife had been drooling for one for longer than that. It's sad that the desire for children sometimes influences a couple's relationship to the point of breaking up. 

That said, if you don't want kids yet, nobody should be pressuring you to marry and have them. That's a very respectable position you've taken.


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## C4LED (Dec 15, 2005)

There's no rush at 24.


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## Radio (Dec 15, 2005)

As a matter of fact, If she is indeed the right one, Neither one of you will have to ask!


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## *Bryan* (Dec 15, 2005)

I knew when I would rather be with her then my friends.

I would be out at a club and say "this sucks". I wonder what she is doing and go see her. 

You will know. I also agree with James S. He said it well.


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## jeep44 (Dec 15, 2005)

My wife is 4 years older than me,but after 30 years of marriage,I'm the one that looks older. The first time I ever saw her, I thought "There's no way someone like her would go out with me", but somehow the stars were in proper alignment or something, and we did get together. I've been a lucky,lucky guy.
Like others are saying, there is no "good" time to have children. You can always think of many reasons NOT to have them. Things were bad when we had our son-our jobs were shaky,the economy was in a recession.I sometimes wonder how we got up the nerve to just go ahead and try for a baby. The time has flown by,and if I have one regret,I wish we had had more than just one child,even though he turned out as perfect as anyone could want.


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## PEU (Dec 15, 2005)

Im still not sure... 

Jokes aside, if the good moments outnumber the bad ones, then she is the one.


Pablo


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## DieselDave (Dec 16, 2005)

I knew something was different 10 minutes after I met her. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her by our third date. I was 26 then, had dated at least my share of gals and none of them even crossed my mind as being the one. I didn't even want a girlfriend at that point in my life. We were engaged 3 months after we met and married 5 months later. That was 19 years ago.

Maybe you know she's the one when the thought of living without her seems to grim a concept to explore. Values, goals and timing also play a large role. 

Like as been said before, you just know and there's no question about it.

Did I mention she can be a pain in the *** even after this many years? I wonder if she ever thinks the same thing, nah.


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## gadget_lover (Dec 16, 2005)

Finally! a thread where I can contribute with a great deal of expertise!


I learned a lot during my first two marriages. I learned what not to do and I learned what to do. I also learned that I never wanted to get married again. I even told my family that. Never again.

But then I met a lady at work who was smart, funny, fiery, fun and articulate. We talked mainly about work. One day she called me at home about a group activity she was planning, and we talked for 3 or 4 hours, long distance. We got to know each other. 2 years later we were engaged, 2 more and we were married.

The elements that make it work so well? We respect each other. We have similar values but different views. Our goals are compatible yet not the same. We are each able to accept the faults of the other because we both know that you can't really change your spouse.

How did I know it was her? It's kind of silly. I noticed one day that every time I talk to her I feel happy. I hang up the phone smiling. She looks at me the same way I look at her. It's a really cool thing.

If I had not learned though my first two marriages (and her first two) we would not be able to be happy today. We are the product of all those relationships.

A little advice... A long engagement works well. If you are going to be together forever then what's an extra year or two? It's better to break up with a girlfriend than your children's mother.

Daniel


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## greenLED (Dec 16, 2005)

gadget_lover said:


> How did I know it was her? It's kind of silly. I noticed one day that every time I talk to her I feel happy. I hang up the phone smiling. She looks at me the same way I look at her. It's a really cool thing.



Aaaww!! That's cute! 
It's also true. Nice post, gadget!


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## tb2776 (Dec 16, 2005)

You can never get married too old -- only too young.

How do you know if she's the one? That's a tough one. Try to imagine yourself with her in 20 years, 30 years, 50 years.


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## Darell (Dec 16, 2005)

If the two of you can make something like this:







Then she's the one. Of course by the time you get to this point, it is too late to be thinking like that, so I'm no help what-so-ever. Obviously I'm just using this as an excuse to show of the *result* of my marriage. :wave:


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## DieselDave (Dec 16, 2005)

Darell's is a special case. He sent 300,000 spam e-mails with his photo and a proposal. The only one that came back was from the gal he ended up marrying. She thought she was sending a condolences reply and once she found out she was the only one to reply, pity took over and the rest is history. 

I'm not bragging but he got the idea from me. I only had to send out 250,000 e-mails to get two responses. One came back from my Mom and although it was a nice gesture I don't live in the right state for that sort of thing. The other one came from my now wife chastising me for my poor spelling and grammar but not saying no to the proposal. Later I found out she never read down that far but that's her mistake, she's mine now.


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## Lurker (Dec 18, 2005)

There is no woman who is "the one." That is a myth. There are thousands of women out there who you could love and build a happy marriage with. The tricky part is not in picking the woman, but in building the marriage. I think people get married to whoever they are dating when they finally decide to stop solving their relationship problems by breaking up and start solving them by working them out. And you have to have that mindset to make a marriage work. You have found "the one" when you would rather work out your relationship problems with her than go back out into the dating pool and start all over from scratch yet again (just to find yourself facing the same relationship problems again 6 months from now with someone else).

Of course having common goals and a common background is important, and if you are not ready to have children and her clock is running out, then that is going to be a huge problem. Here's a tip: don't date women who are approaching or passing the age of 30 unless you are getting comfortable with the thought of children.

Picking a suitable partner is important, but don't get caught up in searching for a "soul mate" or looking for love at first sight. That drivel is for the romance novels. 

Just for reference, I have been married 5 years, together for 8, 2 kids and we are happily married. I got married at the age of 35, which is kind of late, probably because I had the same question you have. I now realize that there were several women I had friendships or relationships with along the way that could have easily been very good marriage partners for me and we could have been very happily married, but of course I didn't see it then because I was looking for "the one" without knowing what that was.

I commend you for asking the quesiton. Good luck.


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## Lurker (Dec 18, 2005)

Darell, your daughter is an absolute angel.

Adopted, I presume?


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## glockboy (Dec 18, 2005)

If she say she love you, then she the one.


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## Lee1959 (Dec 18, 2005)

I do have to disagree Lurker, perhaps there is not "the one" for everyone, but I believe there is, and I KNOW there is and was for me, and I met her 27 years ago, and have been married for 26 of them to her. Yes, marriage/relationships take a lot of work, and constant care, but so does anything worth having. 
Perhaps for you, there is none. I am happy you fonud someone to share your life with, I wish you luck, perhaps you will even make it as long as I have and as happily.


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## whiskypapa3 (Dec 19, 2005)

Lurker is close, after 55+ years I still ain't sure...


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## Lips (Dec 19, 2005)

Lurker said:


> Darell, your daughter is an absolute angel.
> 
> Adopted, I presume?




LOL good one!
She is a cuttie pie



I don't see a problem with asking. I think I should have asked more questions and got more advice. Lots of good advice in this thread. Look at the divorce rate. Divorced after 3 lousy expensive years.

Also what Lurker said. There are 1000's of compatable mates around. Gotta hunt up a good one though.


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## DieselDave (Dec 19, 2005)

While I disagree with Lurker I do think many people don't marry "the one". Many things go into it being "the one". I don't want this to turn into a religion thread but the Bible talks in depth about "the one". It doesn't use those words but it talks about one Man and one Woman. V8toytruck might want to do a little research in the good book for more advise on the topic.

Many things drive a man to marriage. Lust is probably tops on the list followed by a sense of completion, loneliness and timing. You must guard against those emotions and others if you want to have a chance at recognizing "the one". Not only does it have to be "the one" for you but she must also be marrying "the one" and not marrying for some ulterior emotion.

By no means is "the one" the person you will live harmoniously with all the time or the person that is in constant agreement with you. "The one" is the person you are willing to get so angry at you could scream but during that anger is the person you continue to love and you know you will work out your differences no matter what. 

The divorce rate is terribly high and even the right ones divorce. I think if your parents are still married and her parents are still married then the likelihood of keeping it together are far higher than if one or both sets of parents are divorced. I know there are lots of bad marriages, some salvageable and some that aren't. There is no magic formula, just lots of patience and hard work.


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