there are some Jokes

Gather App
Candle Power Forums

Help Support Candle Power:

Over at Red Robin today for lunch:
SPzUF6j.jpg
 
What the difference between a catfish and a defense lawyer?

Hmmm, I don't know Detective.

One's a bottom-feeding scum sucker and one's a fish.
 
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
 
I was driving to a college class one day with my mom in the car. I said to her, " I just realized I just ate two half pound bean burritos and I have to take a test. Oh well, I work well under pressure."

I was driving down the 395 with my dad on the way to a backpacking trip. Rabbits kept running across the road at night. I swerved to avoid hitting one. My dad said swerving was dangerous and to just run them over next time. I hit a big one and my dad told me to just run over the little ones so I don't damage the car. I said, "What difference does it make. At this point, we're just splitting hares."

My martial arts instructor told me he stubbed his toe tripping on the vacuum cleaner. I told him, "That sucks".
 
The Lovely Mrs. Gardiner's brother-in-law was telling me how much his prosthetic leg cost - I said, "Wow! I knew they were expensive, but I didn't know they wanted an arm or a leg for one."

True story. He wasn't amused. I still think it's hilarious.
 
A coworker was telling us a story about letting someone borrow his jet ski. He told them how to operate it so it didn't stall. They rode it awhile and it stalled. They couldn't get it going again so they abandoned it and swam to shore. The coworker had to swim to go get it. He had been drinking. He swam every way he knew how and finally got to the jet ski totally exhausted. He got the jet ski working again and rode it into shore. When he was finishing his story, someone asked him " how deep was the water". I yelled back, "He could stand up."
 
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me - What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?
 
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on take Your Child to work day. As they walked around the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly - Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?
 
A soldier was stationed abroad and received a Dear John letter from his girlfriend back home. It read - Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim.


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.


There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read - Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave.
 
Late one night a moth goes into a podiatrist's office and says - Doc, ya gotta help me. I have these voices in my head and they're telling me everybody hates me and I just can't figure out who the real me is and I need help sorting it all out.

I'm a podiatrist - this is a foot clinic - I fix feet - and you, my friend, need a psychiatrist. Didn't you see the sign on the front door?

Yeah, sure, I saw the sign and I know I need a psychiatrist.

Well, if you saw the sign and you knew you needed a psychiatrist, why did you come in?

Because the light was on.
 
:hahaha:
5S8Zh5 said:
Late one night a moth goes into a podiatrist's office and says - Doc, ya gotta help me. I have these voices in my head and they're telling me everybody hates me and I just can't figure out who the real me is and I need help sorting it all out.

I'm a podiatrist - this is a foot clinic - I fix feet - and you, my friend, need a psychiatrist. Didn't you see the sign on the front door?

Yeah, sure, I saw the sign and I know I need a psychiatrist.

Well, if you saw the sign and you knew you needed a psychiatrist, why did you come in?

Because the light was on.
Click to expand...

That's funny!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top