there are some Jokes

[greenpondmike]

My wife and I were at my mother in law's one night and my mother in law saw a dollar general bag just laying there and she said "what's that bag doing there?" I took advantage of the situation and said: "that's your daughter". I like getting my mother in law's goat.

Ps. I miss those animated smilies.

 

[greenpondmike]

 

[greenpondmike]

 

[greenpondmike]

 

[greenpondmike]

I don't watch the simsons, but I came across the knowledge of this short video and I checked it out. It'll make you laugh now and giggle hours later- at least it did me.

 

[PhotonWrangler]

Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?

She gave birth to a litter of mittens

 

[Hooked on Fenix]

I found the solution to stop car thefts and crime, and it can help fix our doctor and nurse shortages too.

 

[Poppy]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A BirdPathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[PhotonWrangler]

Lol! That was a long walk but worth it.

 

[Hooked on Fenix]

Here's a bad lip reading from Empire Strikes Back:

 

[PhotonWrangler]

A chemist accidentally froze himself at -273.15C. Don't worry though, he's 0K.

 

[Chauncey Gardener]

 

[PhotonWrangler]

I don't normally brag about going to expensive places, but I just came from the gas station.

 

[Chauncey Gardener]

I don't normally brag about going to expensive places, but I just came from the gas station.

^ I'm alternately laughing and crying at that joke.

 

[bykfixer]

 

[desert.snake]

A visitor comes to a brothel - scary, already horror! You won't even look at this without a shudder of the heart. But what to do! And madam sends a girl to him. After a couple of minutes, the girl flies out of the room like a bullet and literally flies down the stairs, wailing on the go: "Horror! Horror! Horror!".

Then Madame sends a second girl to him. A minute or two later, the scene repeats itself: the girl almost falls head over heels down the stairs, whispering in fear: "Horror! Horror! Horror!"

Madame sends a third girl to him, but the outcome is the same: "Horror! Horror! Horror!"

What to do! The client's wishes are the law. And Madame goes to him herself. The girls huddled downstairs with fear, waiting for what was about to happen. But two minutes pass, five minutes, ten, fifteen ... In the end, after twenty minutes, Madame leaves the room, victoriously descends the stairs and turns to her work team: "Well, what?! Well, yes! Well, horror! But not "horror-horror-horror"!

 

[Sadsack]

I went online to Kelley Blue book today to check the value of my pick up truck and they asked if the gas tank was empty or full.

 

[Hooked on Fenix]

I tried bringing home the bacon, but the pig just wouldn’t cooperate.

 

[Chauncey Gardener]

Why is the Queen able to move so freely about the chessboard?

Because the chessboard looks so much like a kitchen floor.

 

[bykfixer]