All righty.. well it's Monday 7/20 and things are moving along just dandily... (I type that with a dry and sarcastic, but optimistic smile on my face).
So I have a type of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Still strange because I don't feel drastically or classically *sick* outwardly yet besides seemingly being more tired/getting more tired more quickly and maybe starting to feel a little pain in my chest when I breath really deeply, but I guess there is at least one big happy little tumor growing in my chest and it's probably in lymphocytes and lymph nodes in other places. I'll find out about that. Apparently its not nearly as common as a lot of other cancers overall, but that doesn't really matter. This seems to be fairly straightforward as far as this type of cancer goes, but I can't help but be scared *%#-less when it comes to the terms "mortality" and "long-term-survival" just like anybody always is concerning cancer. Day by day I guess.
So today was my first actual appointment in the cancer center at the Cleveland Clinic. I also had a PET scan done. I have the pleasure of having a bone marrow biopsy done on Thursday as well. There is a slight chance in 2-3% of cases that the cancer can sometimes be in bone marrow which I guess they can't see with PET scans. Sounds scary, but I think it won't be that bad. I'm already becoming way more accepting of procedures than I would have been before. I hope that doesn't hurt too much though. Ugh... They said they numb the heck out of the area then use a drill that sounds like a dentist's drill to go into the bone towards the back of my pelvis and extract a sample of bone marrow. AREN'T ALL THE NEEDLES ENOUGH ALREADY... NOW YOU HAVE TO DRILL INTO MY BONE ? ....
lol ... I won't be asleep for that one so it's probably just going to be a mental thing more than anything. LOL every time somebody in my family inadvertently but not in an ill-meaning way says "no... that will probably hurt... sorry baby" or "It's probably going to be a rough year" I just want to scream "SHAD-UP SHAD-UP SHAD-UP... Just let me do it!!!" LOL I think you kind of just have to put yourself into a "let's do this" game-face kind of mind set and not even think about it too much. It's kind of a weird reality and probably more of a coping mechanism than anything else. I still keep having those weird reality moments where I forget this is real.
I'll actually start my first chemotherapy next Tuesday. It sounds like I'll be doing 12 sessions where a session is once every 2 weeks. So 6 months or so. I think midway through they check with another PET scan how things are going and whether they need to change/modify treatment based on how the cancer is responding.
My wife needs a break... she's had painful digestive issues ever since I've known her (her whole life really) and I feel like she never truly has caught a break. I feel so bad though because in a weird way now I'M the one getting sympathy when in reality she should be. We don't know what she has still (it's so hard to pinpoint) and it's the brutally honest truth that people don't give sympathy to something you can't say 100 percent medically what it is. And also to things that society have "deemed" not that big a deal when in reality they have no idea. I've always worried about her and now she has to deal with this on top of everything. We got married on June 5th and were going to take a long road trip if we could but didn't because we didn't want her to be in pain the whole way because she needs a very careful diet. Now this as well a month later. Sometimes I just feel like I want our lives to "start" but there is always something else. I guess this is life right? We're both artistic types and I guess you could probably classify me as the "plastic bag---there's so much beauty in the world" guy from the movie American Beauty, but I think it's harder for her to see things the same way and I don't blame her.
I know I should be so grateful for all the positivity, amazing medical treatment, and overall support I'm getting through this, but cancer is still b***-s***, It just isn't fair and it weasels it's way into whatever you are doing whether you are a good or bad person, a child or an adult .... I totally *get* the phrase now I wouldn't wish this upon my enemies. I truly hope cancer is actually "cured" long-term in the future. I really can't complain as I know what I have is a "good" cancer compared to what a lot of people have or had. I'll get through this and hopefully what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. Once I do ... hopefully it doesn't come back (even if it does... I'll deal with it)... And regardless I want to be able to talk to other people who might want to talk who go through the same thing.
Holy cow this is a depressing post for you all. Don't feel like you need to read this thread more if you don't want to. Thanks for letting me use this place as a mental dumping ground. I like it here and also I can pretty much guarantee nobody else I know is on CPF so it's kind of a public-nonpublic place to get this out. Not common on the internet of 2015. Please if anybody does want to talk about these kinds of topics in your own lives pm me or something.