DM51
Flashaholic
That better not be Atomic Chicken the guy hit with his car. That ol' Bird is in the middle of some important work right now.
there are some Jokes
- Thread starter qcgoods2006
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jds009
Enlightened
haha
Carabidae
Newly Enlightened
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
Didja hear about the guy who violated Ohm's Law?
He was thrown in a dry cell and charged with battery.
He was thrown in a dry cell and charged with battery.
qcgoods2006
Newly Enlightened
Jokes May 9th
*Men vs Women*
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
*Men vs Women*
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
TorchBoy
Flashlight Enthusiast
qcgoods2006 said:
I feel a ittle short changed.qcgoods2006 said:
Good Deed for the Day
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, a few minutes ago", replied the man.
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, a few minutes ago", replied the man.
qcgoods2006
Newly Enlightened
*Men vs Women*
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
TorchBoy
Flashlight Enthusiast
qcgoods2006 said:
And around 2007/5/16...
qcgoods2006 said:
I feel a little short changed. Again.
jason9987
Newly Enlightened
Maybe qcgoods2006 just has bad short term memory, or maybe OCD??
qcgoods2006
Newly Enlightened
so sorry for that, I just think the joke is very good, so I relist, and I would like to stop that.
weihua
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender comes over and says "Hey, a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says "That's funny. Why would you name a drink Bob?"
The bartender comes over and says "Hey, a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says "That's funny. Why would you name a drink Bob?"
TorchBoy
Flashlight Enthusiast
A guy walks into a bar.
"Ouch!" he said. "I never was good at limbo."
"Ouch!" he said. "I never was good at limbo."
carbine15
Flashlight Enthusiast
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender points to the sign and says "We don't serve string here. Aren't you a string?" The string thinks for a minute and does a little dance, ties himself up and shakes around and says, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
goldenlight
Enlightened
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
enjoy... Even these silly little cute..... And clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
enjoy... Even these silly little cute..... And clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited:
TorchBoy
Flashlight Enthusiast
Sorry goldenlight, I probably would have laughed or groaned if I hadn't been told something was going to hurt.
That termite joke was good.
That termite joke was good.
carbine15
Flashlight Enthusiast
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
TorchBoy
Flashlight Enthusiast
I managed to resist adding that one.
