there are some Jokes

[qcgoods2006]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

 

[TedTheLed]

B / B-

 

[qcgoods2006]

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
"Isn't it true, "he bellowed, "that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?"
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn't
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."
"Oh," said the startled witness, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

[qcgoods2006]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

 

[qcgoods2006]

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

 

[qcgoods2006]

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

 

[qcgoods2006]

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

 

[knot]

Joke: Gas price comparison

Gas Prices vs ?

I sure wouldn't want to lug around 2000+ lbs for 18 miles for only three dollars.



Q: What did the blonde say when she woke up under a cow?

A: "You guys still here?"

 

[PhotonWrangler]

TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.


3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them
in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.


f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate
them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they
can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

 

[goldenlight]

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany
her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was
like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

 

[qcgoods2006]

Humor Dialogues 1
A motel owner complains to a driver.

Owner: business is terrible. Really bad.
Driver: But every time I drive by here you have the 'No Vacancy' sign on.
Owner: That's true. But I used to turn away 30 to 35 people a night. Now, I only turn away 10 to 15.

 

[qcgoods2006]

Humor Dialogues 2
Tommy:
I hate this dull town. I want action. I want to make real money. I want to meet pretty woman. I can't do any of that here. So I am leaving.
Daddy:
Just a second, soon.
Tommy
Don't try to stop me. My mind is made up.
Daddy:
I'm not trying to stop you, I want to go with you.

best regards
Weihua

 

[Nitro]

THE PARROT​

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
Spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.​

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. ​

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a ​

house of Prostitution ​

And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."​

​

​

The woman thought about this, but decided
She had to have the bird any way.​

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
In her living room and waited for it to say something..​

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ​

"New house, new madam."​

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought "that's really not so bad."​

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school ​

The bird saw and said, ​

"New house, new madam, new girls."​

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
But then began to laugh about the situation ​

Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.​

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.​

The bird looked at him and said,
​

"Hi, Keith!"​

 

[qcgoods2006]

Dialogues
​

Employee:
i'm sorry I 'm late, My mother-in-law has been staying with us, and this morning she slipped in the bathroom and fell unconsclous over the sink.
Employer:
Goodness. What did you do?
Employee:
I didn't know what to do first. But finally I shaved in the tub.

best regards
Weihua

 

[qcgoods2006]

Humor Dialogues

Doctor in maternity house: On the last evering before your boby is to be delivered, you will given a complementary dinner.

Wife: Honey, I'm getting so excited.

Husband: Me too. I can't wait to order the lobster.
​

 

[goldenlight]

Kids Say It Best

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

[kingoftf]

annother comparison:

8 ml of ink for inkjet-Printers: 33 Dollar

That´s 4180 Dollar for 1 Liter ( or 15825 Dollar for a Gallon)

 

[kingoftf]

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
THE OTHER DAY

I THOUGHT
I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

 

[PhantomPhoton]

Found one that made me smile. I'll resurrect this thread.



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied, You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.�

You must be a programmer, said the balloonist.

I am,� replied the woman, How did you know?

Well,� answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.�

The woman below responded, You must be in Management.�

I am,� replied the balloonist, but how did you know?�

Well,� said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.�

 

[HoopleHead]

2 fish are in a tank. one says to the other:



you man the guns. ill drive.