A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.
there are some Jokes
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StarHalo
Flashaholic
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
Lol. I thought it was a coffee drink.
xevious
Flashlight Enthusiast
A man goes to the doctor. After examining him, the GP says - You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets I think it will be okay.
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks - Do I have to take them every day?
No. Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and he sees the patient's wife. Hello Mrs Murphy. How's your husband?
Oh he died of a heart attack.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.
Oh the tablets were fine. It was all the bloody skipping that killed him.
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks - Do I have to take them every day?
No. Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and he sees the patient's wife. Hello Mrs Murphy. How's your husband?
Oh he died of a heart attack.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.
Oh the tablets were fine. It was all the bloody skipping that killed him.
xevious
Flashlight Enthusiast
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director - How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them either a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No. A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?
Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them either a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No. A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
My friend says to me - What rhymes with orange. I said - No it doesn't.
One day Mario asked Louigi why he hung out with Toad so much.
Luigi replied "he's a fun-gi"……
Buh-dum-shpeeeeee……
Luigi replied "he's a fun-gi"……
Buh-dum-shpeeeeee……
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
What did the orchestra conductor name his three daughters?
Anna 1,..
Anna 2,..
Anna 3...
Anna 1,..
Anna 2,..
Anna 3...
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied - I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Lawrence Welk.
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
Sadly this may be a true story……
